Running at the Speed of Me

Desert Tri Ironteam Style

2012-03-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'm not even sure where to start describing this past weekend. It was an incredible experience spent with some of the greatest people I know. But, I'm gonna give it a shot, hopefully its not too long. So, here's what went down. (All pictures borrowed from my teammates, Marvin, Marisela (my mentor), Holly and Pai)

Got off work at a reasonable hour on Friday and rushed home to finish packing. Melissa, my teammate, came by so we could carpool up to the desert together (and we were sharing a hotel room). I didn't have enough time to run all the errands I needed to, so we had to drop the dog off at my parents house and stop for gas before we got out of LA. And then when we got to the desert I needed to run to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for the next day. I'm usually far more prepared than this, but I've been busy. We got to the hotel around 10:30 and met up with two of our teammates, Dolly and Aaron, whose room we were sharing that night. We all played triathlon chemistry and got our bottles ready for practice in the morning. Yep, that's right, we had practice the day before the triathlon. Cause that's how the Ironteam does things. Some people rest the day before their first triathlon, not us.

The next morning we met the team at Lake Cahuilla, where the tri was going to be taking place, for a two hour ride (~30 miles) and six mile run, followed by lunch, packet pickup and then a swim in the lake. Busy day! Most people rest the day before their first triathlon, we did the entire distance the day before.

We set out on our ride just before 10am, and it was already quite warm out. This wound up being a really good and fun ride for me. I got my hydration right all day. And I found some confidence on the bike, something I've been seriously lacking. I also managed to successfully get my bottle in and out of the front cage every time, not something I'm always capable of doing. And, I ate on the bike, also something I have not always been able to do successfully. I spent most of the second half of the ride with a group of amazing women from the team, chatting, and enjoying the day. It reminded me that cycling (and all of this), while it's hard work, should be fun.

Part of Saturday's ride

After the ride we had our 1 hour, 6 mile run. In the middle of the day. In the desert. In the sun. Ugh. It was rough. I was slow. I walked, a lot. I wound up run/walking most of the second loop with my teammate Erin. It made it easier to have some company. When we got done we all sat around and ate lunch, I had brought some strawberries that I got the night before at the market, and they were seriously amazing. (I had a picture of them, but my dumb phone deleted ALL of my pictures from the weekend, so sad, so I'm grabbing them from everyone else.) Then we headed to the little expo and picked up our race packets. While there I spotted a sale and got a new tri top for $30. And, I shared a gigantic snowcone with Marisela, my mentor. It was delicious, but SO big. Major sugar crash later.

me, mari, melissa, tushar and dolly

little expo.

massive snow cone in the making

that's only a small part of the snow cone. seriously the
thing was massive - and perfect on a hot day

After that we all headed down to the water, pulled on our wetsuits (no easy feat when you're all sweaty from 3+ hours of working out in the desert sun. After a swim in the lake we headed back to the hotel to shower, change and head out to a team dinner.

team post Saturday swim

At dinner there was a game, "Sh*t Ironteam Staffers Say." We had to guess which coach, captain or mentor said which thing. I started just randomly filling in names after a while cause I couldn't figure a lot of them out. And then, I wound up winning a prize, these fun socks, for getting the third most answers correct. How bout that?

I didn't eat a lot of my dinner, I was feeling a little off and had a small panic moment during dinner and food seemed very unappealing (I tend to get panic attacks surrounding food more than almost anything else, always have, especially if something upsets my stomach). We headed back to the hotel and got ready for the next morning, including finishing packing our transition bags, more tri chemistry, and packing all of our stuff up since we would have to check out of the hotel when we left for the race in the morning. I set the alarm for the unappealing hour of 4:20am.

I was startled awake when the hotel alarm went off, it took me what felt like an hour to turn it off. It was only midnight, back to sleep. Finally, a few short hours later we got up and ate breakfast (I'm back to bread, peanut butter and banana - and not enjoying it, must find a new pre-workout breakfast, I'm over oatmeal and bread/pb). Then we headed down to Lake Cahuilla. It was early, around sunrise when we got to the park, and we actually got a decent parking spot. We headed over to transition, set up (I took a picture, again my phone deleted it), and got body markings (which, days later, still haven't completely come off). After a quick five minute warm up jog with the team we put on our wetsuits (I also took a picture of this... alas, its gone) and headed down to the lake.

transition

Sunrise at Lake Cahuilla

After a quick warm up swim we got ready to go, my wave was at 7:39. I stayed to the back, as I didn't want to get kicked or shoved, and I'm not trying to win. I'm a strong swimmer, but I don't mind starting at the back. I stayed with a teammate for a bit who was having a rough start and then I lost her. I felt really bad, and kept trying to find her, but eventually had to give up and keep going. I felt good for the entire swim, although my wetsuit, around my arms, feels a little tight/stiff. I know it'll loosen up the more I wear it, but right now its a little weird feeling.

I got out of the water and headed to transition - where I apparently spent 8:45 minutes. WHAT?! What the heck was I doing? Making tea? Seriously. I don't understand what the hell took me so long. But, I finally got on the bike and got going. I actually felt pretty strong most of the ride. I felt like I had my nutrition and hydration down. I did really well with getting the bottle in and out of the front cage, and I never felt scared (now I need to master getting the bottles in and out of the other cages, cause I had to stop to rearrange them when the front one was empty). I was trying to average at least 15mph, but in the end wound up with a 14mph average. Not fast, but WAY better than most of my previous rides. I even managed to grab a bottle at the bottle exchange! I wasn't planning on it, but I needed some water, and my water was in the rear cage, so I went for it, and did so successfully! Woo hoo! And, I was able to eat food (Honey Stinger Waffles - yum!) on the bike without feeling sick, which is what has happened almost every other time. I feel like I might have found a good combination (Heed plus Carbo Pro plus Endurolytes). Now to multiply that out by more hours. Also, I realized my cadence is still not where it should be - I have now set a cadence alarm on my Garmin so whenever I drop below 90 I'll hear a beep and get back to where I should be.

I got back in to transition and it looked like practically every bike was back. I was sitting on the ground finishing putting on sunblock and a girl down the rack from me said, "Congratulations! Isn't it awesome to be done?" I looked at her and said, "I'm not done, I have to start my run now." She looked at me slightly horrified. I said I wasn't worried about it, I'm not training for this distance, I'm training for an ironman. She looked impressed and wished me luck as I set out on my run. (This time I only spent ~4 minutes in transition, better but still too long.)

It was so hot when the run started. At the first aid station I took two cups of water and poured them over my head. I ran, very slowly. But, stuck to my interval as much as I could. At every aid station I took a cup of water and poured one over my head, took a sip out of the other one and then dumped it over my head as well. I took two peanut butter Gu's on the run (amazing!) and also kept up with my hydration. I never felt dehydrated. Score!

I FINALLY finished and when I crossed the finish line I could not have been happier. I knew that I was now a triathlete. But, about 10 seconds later I was happier than I could have imagined. I looked up and saw everyone on the team who had already finished, and all the coaches standing there cheering for me. I got so many hugs and high-fives. I have never felt so supported and loved my a group of people who just a few months ago were strangers. It was incredible. This is just one part of what makes this team so fantastic (another part is that we, collectively have raised more than $200,000 for LLS - that's enough for 2 research grants - TWO!).

the start of the hugs - with Coach Jason

Hug from Coach Erin and Ironbaby

We waited for the last of our teammates to come in and gave them a tunnel of love. So amazing. The support and love on this team is like nothing else. After everyone was in we all headed to lunch at Chipotle and then home. Such an incredible weekend and such a great way to finally officially call myself a triathlete. Thanks team!

tunnel of love!

Go TEAM!

greatest group of people you could ever want to train for an ironman with

If you want to know what Desert Tri was like, check out this super cool video made my my teammate Rommel, with a little help from Carlos, another one of our teammates. It gives you an idea of the race. Thank you Rommel!

Desert Triathlon 2012, Palm Desert, CA from Rommel Calderon on Vimeo.

Open Water Swim!

2012-03-01T16:50:00.001-08:00

I haven't really updated this blog recently on my training, which is the whole point of it. Whoops! I've been doing all the standard workouts - swim, bike, run, repeat, repeat, repeat. But, last weekend the IronTEAM had a practice I was really excited about - our first open water swim! (OWS) I love swimming and being in the water, so naturally I was really excited to get in to the ocean. I know lots of people are scared and really nervous/anxious about OWS, but not me. I was excited. Don't get me wrong, I have a healthy respect for the ocean, but it doesn't scare me. Plus, I have already had enough anxiety on the bike to last me a lifetime, I don't need to be anxious about anything else.

I woke up early and headed to practice wearing tri shorts, a t-shirt (I still don't have a proper tri-top) and my running shoes (we had a run on the schedule after OWS). Since its a recovery week the workout was going to be shorter. Yay! I had tried on my wetsuit (thank you Audrey!) a few weeks before so I knew it fit. The first time I put it on it took me probably 30 minutes to get the damn thing on. It felt like a workout in and of itself. If you've never worn a full wetsuit, its weird. It sort of feels like full-body spanx (girls, you know what spanx feels like, imagine it over your whole body). The second time I tried it on I had gotten some tips and it only took 7 minutes! The thing that took the longest was zipping the damn thing up.

We met at the Venice Beach fishing pier and got ready to swim. The ocean looked peaceful (not a lot of waves) and cold. I got my wesuit on (and zipped with the help of Tara) and then we all jogged down the beach (a little less than a mile) to warm up. Note to self, do not zip wetsuit all the way up if you have to jog, it makes it difficult. The alumni, and experienced ocean swimmers, were separated from us newbies and they got in pretty quick. We were given some safety instructions and then slowly got in the water, first time in up to our knees, splash your face, come back out. Then we went back in and if we felt comfortable started swimming. So, of course, I jumped on in and started swimming.

I had so much fun. But, I will say that swimming in the ocean is hard. Way harder than swimming in a pool. It's weird not being able to see the bottom. It's also really weird to be swimming and feel like you're going nowhere. Not having any perspective (like the end of the pool) made it tough to judge how far I was going. I didn't swim super hard, cause swimming in a wetsuit is tough too. But, even with all of this, it was really fun.

On my second loop I got a little dizzy. But then I just stopped. That wetsuit is really bouyant. I didn't have to tread water really at all, awesome. I got dizzy again, so I stopped again. And then I made it back to shore and when I got out of the water I was a little dizzy again. I think it was from the waves, maybe. It really wasn't that bad, just not something I'm used to. I'm excited for our next OWS and next ocean swim!

After OWS we did an hour run. Yay for another one of my comfort zones! We did loops around the neighborhood with pickups part way through. I kept a good pace the whole time and am ready to increase my interval again.

I have no pictures to share from OWS, as I was in the ocean. But I did take a picture of this gigantic yatch hanging out just outside of the Marina. It might not look gigantic in this picture, but I promise, it was HUGE, it had a helicopter on it.

So, on a running related note. After my hill repeats a week ago last Tuesday (the Tuesday before OWS) I plugged my watch in to my computer and didnt look at my splits, which I normally would. But, I had fallen twice and didn't really care. But, when I looked at my splits I was pretty pleased. We had to do three sets of three times up, first time easy, second time moderate, third time hard. My first time up, moderate was at a 10:13, which is approximately my long run pace. Then the second one was 9:07 and the third 8:15. Each set got progressively faster. I think this means I'm not running to my potential. What's new? I really need to work on that.

This weekend I have a long ride, run and open water swim on Saturday out in Palm Desert and then my first practice race, an international distance tri, Desert Tri, on Sunday. Should be an interesting weekend!

As always, I'm still fundraising. I'm almost 50% to my goal. Can you help me get there before Sunday? Please... Pretty please...

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Thanks!

Something I'm listening To

2012-02-29T23:00:00.000-08:00

My last February pictures...

I am fascinated by the Amish. Everytime there is a documentary or tv program about the Amish on, I record it. Fascinated. Tonight I was listening to a documentary on the Amish, the American Experience. Riveting. (Well, it was to me.) Two pictures of my TV playing this documentary...

Side Effects and Awareness

2012-02-29T22:41:00.001-08:00

My medication has lots of side effects. Most of them aren't too bad, a couple are pretty heinous (especially when it comes to training for an ironman). But, once I get past the first couple of weeks the side effects start to wind down, which is good. It's been a little more than three weeks since I restarted the lithium and welbutrin, and just over two weeks since I restarted the lexapro. And, you know what? I feel better. Most of the side effects have stopped. I lost my appetite for about two weeks and had a terrible case of dry mouth. Both of those seem to be better. (Although now I'm having different, more irritating problems, a crazy bad sweet tooth, worse than normal, and insane hunger pangs pretty much all the time - even when I've just eaten and don't need more food, grr.) My sleep patterns have also returned to normal and I don't feel exhausted all day long. This is good news. But, the really good news? All the anxiety is gone. Just like that. The swallowing of four pills a day and poof, anxiety monster has gone back in to hiding.

And, the best news of all? Well, I still feel like me. I don't know exactly what is different this time, but I don't feel the fog that can sometimes settle in when I restart my meds. The thing is, usually, when I start taking all these meds, it takes longer for some of these side effects to pass. And, I usually feel foggy and not like me at all - at least for a little while (usually for a couple of months). It's a hard place to be. Because off the meds I feel like a magnified version of myself. Until I don't. And I was headed to the place where I don't. So, all in all, it's good.

Something that I found out just this week, February is National Bipolar Awareness Month. Who knew? Not me. Its funny, cause five years ago, in February, I was diagnosed with bipolar. Sort of fitting that its the awareness month. In the spirit of awareness I thought I'd clear up a few things about bipolar and those who live with it (this is all from my point of view, you can take it with a grain of salt if you like and I know not everyone's experiences are the same, but I think these are some good broad strokes).

Bipolar is not a debilitating disease. Or, at least, it doesn't have to be. Even with bipolar a person can live a long, happy, productive life. Some people do wind up on disability, for good cause, but not all. Not me.

Taking medication is not as easy as you might think it is. It's easy to say that its like taking medication for diabetes, but really, for the person taking it (or maybe just me) it is not like that at all. Its hard taking medication(s) that changes part of who you are. It just is.

Having bipolar does not define a person, it certainly does not define me. It is a part of who I am, sometimes a bigger part than others, but still just a part. I am also a daughter, sister, friend, writer, photographer, runner pretending to be a triathlete, hard worker, and so much more.

I don't mind the word crazy, and I use it often, mostly to describe myself. I usually am doing so to make a difficult topic a little easier to handle, bring a little light to the subject. You say you're crazy and people usually laugh. I probably shouldn't sue the term, because it isn't accurate, at all. And, MANY people with mental health issues find the word offensive when people use it. Basically, you probably shouldn't use it, and neither should I.

People who have bipolar are not violent criminals. Of course some are, but so are a lot of people without mental health issues. You don't have to be scared of someone with bipolar. Most of us are law-abiding citizens.

You might think someone you know has bipolar because they are moody. Moody doesn't mean bipolar. Don't try to diagnose people. You can't do it, I promise. It took my doctor 10 years to properly diagnose me, and he's trained to do this. So, you can't diagnose someone.

Using the word bipolar to describe everything that has two sides is no good in my book. It teaks away from what it really is and how it really affects so many of us. So, stop, please.

There are multiple types of bipolar disorder, not just one. Seriously. Look it up.

Mania is not always happy and fun. It is often times out of control, anxious, risky and angry. Many people in mania use drugs and alcohol leading to other issues, such as dependency (my own mood shifts led me to drink more to try to mask what was going on in my head, and before I was diagnosed with bipolar I got sober).

Even on medication you can still have "episodes" of mania and depression, for me they aren't as extreme, but they still happen.

Bipolar doesn't just affect moods, it also affects physical well-being, including sleep patterns. Many people who are manic sleep less, or not at all. And, those suffering from depression will sleep much more. For me, when my sleep patterns are off I know that it is the signal for an oncoming episode. When I'm don't sleep through the night for more than two nights in a row I know I will become manic if I don't take something to break the cycle (usually Tylenol PM). And, when I'm more tired than usual, and sleeping a lot I know that there is a bout of depression on the way - this one is harder to head off, but I usually do so with increased exercise and activity, no matter how hard it feels.

Bipolar disorder is not someone being dramatic about their mood swings. It is much more. The shifts in mood are extreme and can last for weeks, and for some people, months. It is unpleasant and a hard way to live.

Just because a person is bipolar doesn't mean they are always manic or depressed. Most of the time we live in the middle, just like everyone else.

A lot of famous people are thought to have (or had - some speculated - if they are deceased) bipolar disorder. Including Kurt Cobain, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Patty Duke, Carrie Fisher, Ernest Hemingway, DMX, Sinead O'Connor, Virginia Woolf, Florence Nightingale, and Vincent Van Gogh, to name a few.

I hope that I brought you some awareness to the subject. And, lastly, just be mindful of your speech and behavior. There are far more people living with bipolar disorder than you might realize (approximately 6 million Americans are bipolar - at least I know I'm not alone!). Be aware.

Money

2012-02-29T14:17:00.002-08:00

I have a piggy bank that I keep all my spare change in. I put it in at the end of the day (except quarters - I use those for laundry). When it gets full I empty it and do something fun with it.

Something I Ate

2012-02-28T14:13:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year when I have to avoid grocery stores, not only to avoid Girl Scouts and their delicious cookies (that I could eat by the box), but also because these lovely treats are now back on shelves....

I ate Peeps yesterday. They were tasty. I have no idea how many calories are in them, and, truthfully, I don't care. I pretend they are calorie-free. I know lots of people HATE Peeps, but I love them. They are sugary and delicious. Actually, I PR'd (set a personal record) of 31 minutes at a marathon when I ate Peeps as part of my nutrition. Seriously (you can read about it here). (For non-runners taking off 31 minutes from one marathon to the next is a LOT.) Was it the Peeps? I'm not saying it was, but...***

Also, I have a weird thing with Peeps (besides that I like them), I only like the yellow chicks. No others, not yellow bunnies, not purple chicks, not any other color combo. Also, I won't eat the other holiday version of Peeps - like Valentine Peeps or Christmas Peeps. Not having any of it. It must be yellow chicks.

***Actually, it was probably because I was better trained, better prepared, and I ran the first one SUPER slow (nowhere to go but faster) and I sprained my ankle in the second one. So, those are factors too. But, I'm thinking the Peeps played a big part. Mmmm.... sugary deliciousness..... Now to avoid them at all costs. (Looks like I'll be doing most of my shopping at Trader Joe's, a Peep-free zone.)

Night

2012-02-27T12:17:00.002-08:00

Here is night in front of my building - hard to see anything.

And this is what happens inside my apartment at night. When I'm reading or watching TV the dog curls up on the pillows on the couch and dozes...

And then we head to bed and he curls up on the bed like a dog donut. (Yes, he sleeps on the bed, always has, always will.)

Green

2012-02-27T12:15:00.002-08:00

My swim cap. (I need a new one, this one keeps practically falling off my head.)

Inside your bathroom cabinet

2012-02-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

This is the inside of the medicine cabinet in my bathroom. Oddly there is no medicine in it (even though I take three medications daily). Its mostly hair stuff (which I'm barely using at this point, washing my hair WAY more than I would like due to all the sweaty tri training). There's also a few different sunblocks (VERY important - I don't want wrinkles!). And some basics, like floss. Not too exciting.

My Shoes

2012-02-24T12:27:00.000-08:00

I had a hard time picking just one pair, so I didn't. I actually had a hard time narrowing it down to these 7. I have a lot of shoes, and I love them all (okay, there are a pair or two I don't love cause they hurt me, but that's neither here nor there). So, I picked shoes out of different categories. Starting left of my feet and going counter clockwise:
Converse, I love these and wear them a lot. They are comfortable and casual and easy.
Loafters, these are work shoes, from Target, they are basic and simple and have a non-slip bottom and are also comfortable. I don't love them, but I don't hate them.
Saucony Kinvara 2, my running shoes. LOVE. Seriously, in love with these shoes. This is my second pair of these (same color) and they make me happy and I feel like they make me look fast.
Ann Taylor flats. These are my fun shoes. Sparkly flats, I don't wear them a ton, but they make me smile when I do wear them. Also, very comfortable. (You see a trend? I like comfortable shoes.)
Havaianas sandals. I have a lot of sandals. These are the ones that I wear the most.
Cannondale bike shoes. Hm, what to say about the bike shoes? I put them in the circle cause I wear them a lot. I like that they are so bright and white, I need to clean them.
Guess heels. I have loads of heels. I almost never wear any of them. They all hurt my feet and usually make my legs hurt too. I like the way heels make my legs look, but I don't like how they feel.
Bare feet. This is my preferred way of being. I'm always barefoot at home. I like being barefoot, but I don't plan on taking up barefoot running. Shoes are necessary in the outside world.

Hydrostatic Body Fat Test

2012-02-23T13:31:00.001-08:00

Just about two weeks ago, I had had a hydrostatic body fat test. (One of my teammates on the Ironteam set this up as a fundraiser.) What is a hydrostatic body fat test? Basically its under water weighing to measure your body composition (giving you lean body and fat tissue pounds and percentage). This is apparently the "gold standard" in measuring body composition. I thought it would be interesting, so I signed up. We do one test now, and a follow up test in three months, so you can see what the difference is in your body composition from all this ironman training.

When I arrived at the truck (this was a mobile testing facility) I changed in to my bathing suit in a small changing room. Then Linda, the operator (owner maybe?), weighed me dry and measured me (happily, I found out that I'm a little taller than I realized). I asked her if the water in the tank was cold, her response was, "No way, no one would do it if it was cold." I sat on the edge of the tank put my feet in - it was bath tub warm - and got in (I'm not gonna lie, I was a little sketched out by the water, as a few people had been tested before me, and they had all just ridden 50 miles and run 2 miles - sweat city, yuck - I hadn't done that day's workout, so I was not sweaty and nasty, well, not before the test at least). When I sat on the bottom Linda had me put a weight belt over my hips. She told me I would have to blow all the air out of my lungs (cause air in your lungs is read as fat, yikes!) and then submerse myself and blow out any remaining air. She would knock on the tank as soon as I could come up, just a few seconds.

tiny little changing room

So, I blew out all the air and completely submerged myself. Linda knocked about 3 seconds later and I came back up. She told me to get more air out and do it again. So, I did, then about 3 seconds later and another knock. She told me to try one more time, get out as much air as possible. (I thought I had been getting it all out, apparently not.) I went under a third time, then again, about 3 seconds later, another knock. And we were done. I got out, dried off and quickly changed.

I'm not smart enough to have asked Linda to take a picture of me
in the tank. Just know, I was in it. (I'll remember next time)

While I was changing Linda had printed out a four page report, with my detailed body fat numbers (lbs and percentage). Truthfully, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It's still bad, but I thought it would be worse. I have a LOT of room for improvement. But, now I know how much of my body is lean vs fat and how many calories I need to eat a day (before exercise). Shockingly, I've been eating the right amount of calories. So, that's good news, and probably explains my recent weight loss (down 15+ lbs since Christmas). This test was super simple and cool. It'll be really interesting to see what changes between now and May. I'm excited.

What were my numbers you ask? The pounds don't matter (maybe I'll share in May when I get the second test done). But, it worked out to 30% of me being fat. Gross. Seriously. Gotta correct that. That's like a small child. Ugh. So much fat. Must reduce it. I was in the "POOR" range. When I repeat this test in May I hope to be in the "GOOD" range. One the positive side that means that 70% of me is lean. Now I have a goal to work towards - lose a small child (obviously I know I won't lose all the body fat, and I don't plan to , or want to - but I do want to lose enough to not be at 30% or get a poor rating - ideally I'd like to lose enough to be at 20-22%, not sure if that's possible in three months, but any loss of that awful number will be good).

All in all, this test was worth it. If you have the opportunity I highly recommend you get it done.

Where I Work

2012-02-22T14:32:00.000-08:00

This is where I sit and do all my work during the day.... Not very interesting.

But, I do work for a pretty cool company, and we have lots of cool stuff around the building, including ping pong, and basketball, and foosball, and a PS3, and these...

Go drink some Red Bull!

Breakthroughs and Failures

2012-02-21T18:09:00.000-08:00

Its no secret to anyone that has read this blog, follows me on twitter, is Facebook friends with me, or has talked to me for even 5 minutes, that my bike and I have had a rough go of things so far. We haven't been friends, and for a while I was convinced it was trying to kill me. Seriously. I thought the bike might be possessed. But, alas, I realized, it was never actually the bike's fault. I was having some issues of my own that were preventing me from really becoming friends with my bike. (Read this post to find out more.) So, I'm back on all my medication and I had a bike ride on the schedule for this past Saturday. I was nervous, but never felt the extreme anxiety that I've been feeling recently. I prepared everything for the ride, took two tylenol PM (to ensure I wouldn't wake up at 3:30am again) and went to bed. I woke up in the morning and felt good, calm, ready.

I ate my breakfast and headed out to Zuma Beach to meet the team for practice. I got set up and was still feeling fairly calm. A little nervous, but not anxious at all. We had 56 miles on the schedule. I was ready. I knew there would be some climbing, which made me nervous - because if you go up you have to go down and the down scares me. But, I was given a modified route, eliminating the climb up Temescal Canyon and John Tyler - the two biggest climbs (because of my previous groin pull, don't want to aggravate it). I had to add in an extra Malibu Canyon loop, but I've been up that hill before (although not successfully).

Off I went. My friend Amy offered to ride with me, to help make the ride more fun and less scary, but we lost each other pretty quick. As I was headed south on PCH I started to realize I wasn't nervous, I was feeling good. I passed my pothole, actually, I went straight through it, the paint marking it has worn off, but it didn't take me out this time (this is the pothole I hit that caused my concussion, and yes, I claim it as mine, I deserve to, it did try to kill me). I was doing great. I got to Temescal, the turnaround point, and while I was stopped at the light, I managed to tip over, and my left shoe popped off. So ridiculous. A couple in a Range Rover next to me were hysterically laughing, it was pretty funny, I was actually laughing too. I got myself back together and headed north.

I got to the hill leading up to Malibu Canyon and got about a third of the way up, then I had to get off and walk my bike. It was not a good moment. The first time I tried climbing this hill was a few weeks ago (maybe a month?) on a 25 mile ride, and I only made it halfway before I got off. As I was pushing my bike up the hill I saw a familiar figure. Crap. Coach Brad. And, he made me get back on the bike - with his help, I couldn't get on it alone going uphill. But, I rode the last third (also with some help). As I was going up, I said, "I have to do this two more times? Seriously?" His answer was yes, of course. And then I said something along the lines of, "This shit is hard." I'm so clever, aren't I?

I got to the downhill portion and was gripping my brakes so hard my hands hurt. Actually, I got off my bike again, and walked part of it. Hm. That's not good. I got around to our SAG stop, where one of the Ironteam alumni was with Gatorade and water and stopped for a moment. I tried eating something solid and felt like I was going to throw up (that had been happening all morning, but I thought maybe if I stopped it would be better, nope). I collected myself, refilled a couple of bottles, and went back out on to PCH to conquer the hill again. This time, I made a bargain with myself, I had to make it to beyond the halfway point before I could get off the bike, that's as far as I made it before, and I needed to get beyond that. Then, I kept making new bargains, make it to that tree, that sign, that call box, I did this all the way to the top and SUCCESS! I rode all the way up. Then I went back to the downhill and, out of fear, I got off my bike, again. I got back on quicker, realizing it was going to be a long day if I kept that up. I passed the SAG stop one more time and then conquered that hill for a second time (third time up for the day), without getting off the bike. I was amazed that I did it.

As I was headed back north I caught up with a couple of my teammates, we stopped at the top of a hill, I was feeling very nauseated. I told them to keep going and took a couple of minutes to pull myself together. Well, instead of pulling myself together, I threw up, twice. There wasn't much to throw up, mostly liquid. This would normally send me in to a small panic attack (I hate throwing up more than anything - I'm actually scared of throwing up). But, I realized I had to get back on the bike and keep going. I got going again and then, just as I was getting to Zuma a car pulled in front of me and Coach Brad jumped out to ask me how I was doing. I told him about the throwing up. He was concerned about that and me being dehydrated. He told me to ride up to the next light and then head back in to the parking lot, I was done for the day. I actually wanted to finish the ride, but he said no. So, I ended my ride after 43 miles.

Then, I did a short, and VERY slow, 2.5 mile run. I realized on the run how wiped out I was. I was very dehydrated and hadn't realized it before. But, on the run I thought about the day and what I could do to be more successful next time. I have a whole new plan worked out, it involves more water/electrolytes and a different electrolyte choice. I had forgotten how much my medication can affect my training. Where a bottle an hour worked for me before it doesn't now, I need more. But, now I know.

But this day had a huge success to it, I stopped being filled with anxiety on the bike - WIN! This was a MAJOR breakthrough for me. I think my bike and I are going to start being friends now, we actually had a couple of conversations throughout the morning and we have come to an understanding, I won't be as scared and it won't try to kill me. I had a bunch of failures as well - being scared on the downhills (and having a death grip on the brakes), getting off the bike, not drinking enough fluids, not finishing the mileage, going super slow, etc. But, all of that is out-weighed in a BIG way by the HUGE breakthrough I had on the bike. I learned a lot from what went wrong on Saturday. But, I learned even more from what went right. I don't have to be filled with anxiety and scared of my bike. I can enjoy riding and actually improve. And, I will. I'm actually thinking I might be looking forward to my next ride. Bet you never thought I'd say that, did you? Next step - stop being scared of the downhills and get faster.

Thank you so much to Amy, Tara, Brad, Jason and the entire Ironteam. Your support and dedication helped me through this bike ride and helped me find some success on my bike. I couldn't have done this without each and every one of you. So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

A Favorite Photo of Me

2012-02-21T10:20:00.000-08:00

I had a hard time choosing. I picked three photos. The first one I chose because it reminds me that I can be brave and face my fears. Just over two years ago I went bungee jumping with some girlfriends, and I was terrified, but I did it, and it was amazing and exhilarating. I need to remember this day when I'm scared of something, because jumping off a bridge was by far the scariest thing I've ever done.

This next one is of me and my little sister, when we were little. I love everything about this picture. My little sister is such a light in my life, and always has been.

And, I wanted to include a picture of myself and my older sister, Stephanie. I picked this one because she inspired me to start running, which led me down the path I'm on now. This is us during the San Francisco Marathon (first half) in 2010.

Handwriting

2012-02-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

This is my handwriting on a post it. I have little notes like this all over my apartment. I put them up originally for my former roommate, but I never took them down, cause they make me smile. They are all positive and life-affirming. Nice reminders that life is good.

Something I Hate To Do

2012-02-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

Hate is a strong word, and I don't hate many things. But, I do hate having to take these pills every day (and this is just the morning round - I take a second peach colored one at night). They make things better in many ways, but they tend to complicate other things - like training for an ironman. But, I will take them, because I need to, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I hate the side effects they bring and the fact that I need to take them to function everyday. It's frustrating. It might not seem like that big of a deal - just three little pills - but trust me, the side effects are wicked and taking pills that alter your brain chemicals is not something that you should want to do. I just wish my brain was more "normal."

Drink

2012-02-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

Rehydrating myself after a long day of training Saturday, mostly with water, but some Gatorade as well.

Time

2012-02-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

My bedtime on Friday night... I didn't fall asleep until after 10, but I was in bed by just after 9.

Something New

2012-02-17T11:14:00.001-08:00

I've actually had this for a few weeks. But, I haven't used it yet. First open water swim, next weekend.

Phone

2012-02-16T15:50:00.000-08:00

When's the last time you saw a pay phone?

Heart

2012-02-15T09:27:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big Valentine's Day fan. Never have been. It feels forced. But, I know lots of people are. And, I bet someone, somewhere, was excited to get this heart balloon. To that person, I hope you had a lovely Valentine's Day, and remember to tell the people you care about that you love them every single day, not just when a calendar tells you to. And, I will say, that yesterday (Valentine's Day) I felt an incredible outpouring of love and support, and for that I am grateful. Thank you to all my family and friends for making me feel loved.

Blue

2012-02-15T09:20:00.001-08:00

A message in blue. A reminder, every day, on my water bottle, that no matter what, my life is still pretty damn good. I am so incredibly grateful and blessed to have such amazing people around me and this reminds me of that, every day.

I Have a Secret

2012-02-13T20:03:00.000-08:00

This is long. You've been warned. And, its not about running, or training, really at all.

I have a secret. And, it's kind of a big one. And, I've been keeping it to myself. Haven't told a soul. In fact, I've been straight up lying to ~~people~~ EVERYONE, afraid of what their reactions will be - for MONTHS. But, unfortunately for me, lying and keeping this secret is no longer a possibility. I told the first person a week ago last Saturday, a friend on the team. That same day I told my psychiatrist (who I usually refer to as my doctor, he's the only one I see regularly). It was time someone knew, and it was creating a problem that I needed his help to fix. I then kept the information to myself for a week, and lied to everyone even more about what was going on, afraid of what people would say. And then, my head went nuts in the middle of the night on Saturday night, and I knew I had to tell my mom. I prayed she wouldn't be mad. I've been lying to her for months. Then I told my dad. Neither of them was mad. They were great actually. They always are. Then, I finally came clean with my coach, cause, well, it explains a lot. And, last night I told a couple of my closest girlfriends. And, now here I am, ready to tell any one else who cares, my stupid dirty secret.

Here's the thing, I am supposed to take three medications every day to help manage my bipolar - lithium, welbutrin and lexapro. I pretty much hate taking medication and wish I didn't have to, it sucks, the side effects suck, its just a pain in the ass on many levels. So, sometimes I stop taking it. I stop taking it because I feel better. What winds up happening is, I'll feel like I've been well for a long time and maybe I don't need the medication anymore. This is stupid because at some point, the world starts to come crumbling down around me when I do this. And, I always swear when I go back on it that I won't go off of it again. But, then I do, because I feel better. Its a vicious cycle. The medication does such a good job of making me feel better that I think I'll be better without it too. And then the other shoe drops.

I'm guessing you've figured out my secret. Yep, I stopped taking my medication. Months ago. Like a lot of months ago. And I've been doing great. I've been feeling good, no anger, no depression, no issues, maybe sort of slightly on the edge of hypomania. But I'm not gonna lie, the edge of hypomania, its kind of a good place to be. I feel productive and happy and like I could do anything, but yet I'm not full blown manic. Hypomania is kind of happy. Its an easy place to be. Unfortunately I can't always live in that place. No, the ugly side tends to rear its evil head after a while.

And, well, the ugly side (one of the ugly sides) has come roaring back with a vengeance. It's no secret that my bike and I have not been getting along all that well. I try to love it, it tries to kill me. Another vicious cycle. But, I think the problem is actually not the bike. The problem is me. There, I said it. Its not the bike's fault. So, I was always a little nervous about the bike. I was exhibiting some natural fear, clipping in, riding next to traffic. But, the problem is, that fear started to spiral out of control. Especially after I got the concussion. That made matters significantly worse on the bike front. And then I fell again a couple of weeks later. Every time I fell it compounded my fear. And, that fear and nervousness has turned in to full blown anxiety every time I ride. Crazy panic attacks even thinking about being on the bike. This is not normal, clearly.

One of my biggest issues I've dealt with over the years with bipolar is extreme anxiety. At one point in my life the anxiety got so bad I was afraid to leave my house. I let it control me. I've been trying very hard not to let the anxiety control me on the bike. Truthfully, I was trying really hard to pretend that what was happening wasn't anxiety, that it was just extreme nerves. And, then almost two weeks ago, I realized that I couldn't keep pretending. This was full blown anxiety and I needed my doctor's help to deal with it.

So, off I went and back on two of the three medications to start, adding the third if the anxiety didn't clear up. I was doing really well all week. I was tired, but my body was busy adjusting to the meds again, so I wasn't really surprised. I had a good swim on Thursday night that seemed to sort of shake the life back in to me. I was feeling good. I ran on Saturday and while it wasn't the speediest run, it felt good. I was feeling like me again. I was nervous about the Sunday bike ride, but feeling prepared and not anxious at all. I stayed in on Saturday night, prepped my bottles and bike, laid out my clothes and watched some tv with the dog. I went to bed early, deciding a full night's sleep would help me in preparing for the next day's ride. I was asleep by 10:30. Perfect.

Then, I woke up, in the middle of a panic attack at 3:30am. It was awful. By far one of the worst panic attacks I've had in years, in fact I can't even remember the last time I had a panic attack that bad. Even on my medication I occasionally get a little one, but I can work my way out of it and calm myself down. This, was on a whole other scale. I was crying hysterically, my breathing was erratic, my heart was beating a mile a minute. I felt like I was going to die. My logical brain knew I wasn't going to die, but that's not the part of my brain that was in control at that moment. My illogical brain went to thoughts like, "I'm going to die here, alone, and no one is going to find me for days, and the dog is going to run out of food and he's going to have to eat me." Ridiculous, I know. But, it felt very real. It's hard to explain a panic attack and how real everything feels in the midst of one, if you've never had one, count yourself lucky. This carried on for about an hour and a half. In my hysteria the dog cuddled up very close to me, which he doesn't always do, and that actually seemed to help calm me down. It was awful. Being alone, feeling that out of control, it was a breakdown of spectacular magnitude. (My parents asked me the next morning why I didn't call them or come over to their house. I'm not sure why I didn't.)

I finally fell back asleep. I woke up for the morning and it seemed really bright in my room. Too bright for the 6:30am alarm I had set. Hm. I looked at my phone and realized I had turned off my alarm in my sleep and it was 9:30. Fail. That meant I wasn't going to make the ride, that started at 8:30. Shit. I called my mom, and was crying, she had me come over. She and I talked and got coffee and breakfast and I finally told her the truth, that I had been medication free for months and the anxiety is what made me decide to go back on it. She was understanding and listened as I cried some more. She said I should probably tell my coach, since it would explain a lot of what's been going on with me. I disagreed. And, then realized she was right. So I told my secret.

I spent a lot of Sunday morning crying and worrying. I'm worried that I'm falling behind in the training and that I won't be able to catch back up (I know I'll be okay, I just need to put in the work). I was crying because I hate that this is happening again. I am a little embarrassed, mostly because all of this is my own fault, and I know better. I knew the risk when I stopped the medication. I just thought I was stronger than this illness. I am stronger than it, but not by myself, I need help to live with it.

And, training for an ironman is stressful, too much stress for my brain to deal with alone. I need the help. I need the medication. So, now I'm back on all three medications and hoping I have put the anxiety monster away for a while. The way I have been feeling over the past couple of weeks, and the memory of Saturday's panic attack, coupled with the training and the fact that I know better, will keep me on my medication.

I'm not going to say that I'll never go off of it again. Because that's not really realistic. I will say that I was on it much longer this time before I went off, and I went back on faster than I have in the past. Maybe I am learning. I just know that at some point I'm going to be tempted to go off it again. I just need to try to remember this moment, what this felt like. (That's part of why I'm sharing this here, so I can remember if the day comes that I want to go off it again.)

I had another restless night's sleep last night. Awake again at 3:30am. Not filled with anxiety this time, but awake, my brain racing. I know that this is what starts to happen, its the edge of mania, beyond hypomania. I am grateful I've started the medication again, and will take something to sleep through the night tonight, and stave off the mania. It's a delicate balancing act and I'm ready for it again. Even if it does make training for an ironman more complicated.

I will ask you not to judge me for this. It's not easy to live with mental health issues. It's not easy to take all this medication that can, at time, wreak havoc on your body while helping your brain. It's not easy. None of it is. There's nothing I can do to change this part of me. Please know that going off my medication is never an easy decision. I know the consequences. I know I've done this to myself. But, I know that sometimes I need to know if maybe my brain is better.

For now, I am back on my all three medications, and being honest about everything. Hiding it and lying about it only makes things worse. I am writing this to tell the truth and hold myself accountable. Now, its time to get back to life, anxiety free, living in honesty and truth, accepting my issues, taking my medication, ready to tackle the world.

Inside My Closet

2012-02-13T12:40:00.000-08:00

Makes Me Happy

2012-02-12T15:48:00.000-08:00

I had taken a different picture yesterday for this post. But, after last night, I changed to the dog. I had a massive panic attack in the middle of the night - it was bad, worse than anything I've experienced in years, I was hysterical. And, Rocky snuggled up as close to me as possible. His love helped me eventually relax and fall back asleep. And, this morning, when it would have been easier to ignore the world, he got up wiggled his little tail at me, started playing with a sock (his favorite toys) and made me giggle. This was a day where it would be much easier not to smile, but this little one made me happy today. So, he gets this post. Thank you Rocky for being my little ray of sunshine on a dark day.

Self Portrait

2012-02-11T18:42:00.000-08:00

Just me. On my run today. (I forgot to take this one yesterday.)

Friday thoughts

2012-02-10T14:30:00.000-08:00

My head is filled random thoughts today. I don't have much to say about training this week as it has been sort of meh. I figured last night's swim would be the same. The new medication mix is currently zapping the life out of me. It is an adjustment, and all week I've just wanted to sleep and be lazy. It's taking great effort to ignore that impulse. But, my anxiety levels have greatly diminished, so that's good. And, my energy level is returning to normal.

So anyway, I forced myself to go to swim. And, I'm really glad that I did. It sort of pulled me out of the weird funk of a week I've been in, workout wise. Some tips from Erin and a good hard swim and I felt so much better. I thought, when I got in the pool and looked at the set, that I would be miserable the whole time. The set was a warm up followed by sprinting for 50 and then recovering while swimming longer yards. Each got progressively longer (then we ended with swimming in crowded lanes, then a cool down). The thing that seemed impossible was the sprint 50 swim 1000. Seriously?

But, I did it, and I felt strong the whole time. I even had a couple of moments where I swallowed a little water or coughed, but I didn't stop, and I got a bad cramp in my foot toward the end, but I kept going, cause I know that come race day I won't be able to just stop if I get a cramp, gotta swim through it. So, that's what I did. And you know what? At the end, I felt awesome. Seriously that swim felt good. It was hard, but in the best possible way. I just sort of felt like everything clicked for me. It's funny, during the swim I didn't think about anything but the 50 meters I was swimming in that moment. I kept my mind focused and didn't drift off, like I usually do, thinking about other plans. Maybe that was the trick, focus. Starting to feel like me again. Sometimes a good workout is just what I need, and I needed that one.

Nine mile run tomorrow, I'm excited about that. I'm not excited that the team run is in Torrance. So far away... Although it is way further for some teammates, so I guess I should stop complaining. I do enjoy running, so I'm going to just look forward to it. I thought about skipping the team run and doing it on my own, but I'm thinking it might be nice to go run somewhere new for a change. Hm. Sunday is our long bike ride. 50 miles. I'm trying my best not to dwell on it. If I do I'll get nervous.

So, to distract myself from thoughts of Sunday I'm going to leave you with five random tidbits for Friday, about me. Some you might know already, some you might not. Some might surprise you. If you want to know more about any of them, just ask, I'll tell you.

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is my favorite movie. Seriously. I know most, if not all the lines. "The question isn't 'what are we going to do?' the question is 'what aren't we going to do?'" I think I'll have to watch that this weekend to distract myself from thoughts of the bike.

Growing up, my mom was kind of famous here in L.A. People would stop her all the time, occasionally they still do. Its kind of odd but kind of cool too.

I've never dated someone for longer than 6 months. And, I don't think its weird, why keep dating someone you know isn't right for you? (I promise in 6 months I have a pretty good idea of this.) I'd rather be single than with someone I know isn't right for me.

I've had plastic surgery and I know its one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Oh, and I was 17 when I had it, and still I have no regrets about it.

In my opinion, compassion and loyalty are the two most important qualities in a friend.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

Front door

2012-02-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

The front door, on the way out for a walk with the dog and on the way back in. He doesn't like my paparazzi style pictures of him all the time. Too bad, I'm gonna keep it up.

Sun

2012-02-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

Every afternoon this is what the sun looks like from my desk, for like a half hour to 45 minutes. It practically blinds me and I have to either sit to the side of my desk or squint (lets be real, I'm not gonna squint, I don't want wrinkles). Its annoying. The problem was temporarily fixed with some makeshift blinds, but now the sun is setting in a slightly different location and I'm being blinded again.

Button

2012-02-08T07:30:00.000-08:00

This is a button that can cause me lots of trouble... if I let it. It can also make me happy for 10 more blissful minutes...

Griffith Park Grand Prix

2012-02-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

...Also known as the tire playing dirty tricks, just when the bike and I were starting to become friends.

Last Saturday our practice was titled "Griffith Park Grand Prix." We had received an email saying bike/run/?, and told to be prepared to change flat tires. I am not great at this, so while I knew it would be annoying I also knew it was necessary. On Friday night I spent some quality one on one time with the bike. We've had a rough go of it so far. It's a love/hate relationship. I'm trying really hard to love the bike, but it seems to hate me and keeps making me fall. So, I thought we should have a conversation. Yes, I talked to the bike. I also cleaned it, ridding it of bad spirits via Simple Green. I let it know that I just want to stay upright and learn to love being on it. We came to an understanding. I would stop being so scared and it would stop trying to kill me.

Its time for us to be friends.

Saturday morning I got to practice and was still a little nervous, but not too much. We practiced mount and dismount areas and set up transition. Then we were off. A six mile loop (just under actually) followed by a ten minute run, repeat two more times. Triple brick. So, off I went. There's kind of a big hill in the middle of the loop and I was nervous going up - not too nervous about the up part, I was feeling pretty strong, but knowing the downhill was coming had me a little nervous. I got to the top, stopped for a moment and gave myself a pep talk. Off I went down the hill - sloooowly - seriously I'm not making up any time on the downhill, this is gonna have to change at some point.

Then there was a part of the road that was kind of shady and kind of sunny, and I was having trouble scanning the road, so I slowed down, afraid I'd hit a pothole or something. Also, around corners I go pretty slow too, always afraid I'll crash. I got back in just about thirty minutes (slow) and Coach Erin promptly let the air out of my back tire. So, I changed it. I actually did okay getting the tire changed. I struggled a bit getting it back on the bike, but with the help of a coach I was set. Off for a ten minute run.

I kept the run slow and easy, not wanting the groin muscle to give me any trouble. Since I knew I had to repeat this two more times I figured better safe than sorry. I got back on my bike again and off I went. I got to the top of the hill, actually feeling a little stronger the second time through than the first, and paused again for a moment. I needed to give myself another pep talk. (When I say I felt stronger going up the hill the second time, I was still ridiculously slow - seriously I feel like I could probably have run up it faster - carrying the bike.)

I started down and then less than a minute in, like 20 seconds maybe, I heard a pop and hiss of air. I knew I had a flat. Crap. Stopping while going downhill and not falling seemed like it would be next to impossible, but I did it. I sat on a little stone wall, pulled out my flat tire stuff and got to changing it. I was feeling a little frustrated and it took me a while to get it changed. Most of my teammates who rode by asked if I was okay or needed anything (even a number of strangers not on the team asked if I was okay or needed anything), I told them I was fine. (A couple teammates just completely ignored me - people who I know, which felt a little weird. I know you're trying to finish as quick as possible, but ignoring people on the side of the road is just plain rude, in my opinion, I wasn't going to ask you to stop, but acknowledgement would be nice.)

Finally, like 15 minutes later the tire was changed and I got going again (I did this all by myself, for the first time with no help at all). And, no more than about a minute later another pop and hiss of air. Seriously?!? This time I had to sit on the dirt on the side of the road. I was starting to get irritated. I meticulously checked the inside of the tire and the rim and found nothing (just as I had the previous change). A bunch more people passed and asked if I was okay - including strangers riding their bikes and runners. I assured everyone I was good. This time the tire change did not take 15 minutes, maybe closer to 10. I am getting better at changing that rear tire.

I rode back even slower this time, cause now I was hearing an odd noise, like a click sound. And, I had no more tubes on me. I didn't want to have to call for help. I finally made it back - moving time was approximately 30 minutes - total time closer to an hour. So frustrating. I told the coaches that the bike and I were having a rough go of it. I told them about the tire situation and after looking at it, said I was done for the day. Apparently the tire had split, meaning I needed to get a new one. Grr.

So, it wasn't the bike's fault this time! Evil tire decided to get in on the "lets make Elisabeth nervous" action. Not cool tire. Not cool at all. (I'm a bad blogger and forgot to take a picture of the offending tire while it was still on the bike - but here it is getting ready for its new home, the garbage.)

Since I couldn't ride the final loop I did a twenty minute run. The leg was feeling okay at the end, and I did the stretches the physical therapist gave me to make sure I would be okay for the next day's run. Still feeling good mid-week.

I took the bike to the bike shop on Sunday and got a new tire. This time I'm blaming the tire 100% and believing the bike did not set out on Saturday to make an attempt on my life - which has happened before (once was a group effort, pothole+bike=concussion). We will be riding again this week. And, I am expecting the bike and I to get along. No more hating me. We are becoming friends and will stay that way. I have gotten it a new tire and am contemplating a name. I don't usually name things like bikes, or cars, but I think I need to come up with a good name for

taking care of my new friend and getting a new tire.

new tire that will not try to hurt me. and, the bike is all dirty again.

Total mileage - bike ~12 miles in ~1 hour; run ~2.5 miles in ~30 mins (slow, but not painful, so all in all good for running)

Dinner

2012-02-06T21:33:00.000-08:00

The best part of dinner tonight.

First Recovery Week

2012-02-06T17:45:00.000-08:00

Last week was our first recovery week. It worked out well for me, with the pulled groin muscle and all. I still trained, but less and did no running during the week. I was trying to listen to the physical therapist so I would be good for the weekend workouts. And, work was a little bananas at the beginning of the week. I had some long days, and Tuesday I wound up eating all three meals at work, it was all ordered in because of all day meetings - including bagels and cream cheese (yum, but not really nutritious), Chick Fil A (also yum, but really NOT nutritious, although I did eat a giant serving of cut up fruit to try to counter-balance the fried deliciousness, not sure that's how it works, but I tried) and Chipotle for dinner (could be the healthiest of choices, except it was filled with sour cream and cheese and was enormous - no I didn't eat the whole thing, or anywhere near it). All of these meals were eaten at my desk. I got to work at about 6:30 am, so no run before work and didn't get home until almost 9 pm, so no run after work - probably for the best, let the groin muscle heal. The only thing I really got right on Monday and Tuesday was my water intake. Yay water!

Wednesday I had physical therapy in the morning and the therapist told me I slouch too much and my core isn't strong enough, and that's why the groin muscle still hurts (I'm not really sure how that works, but, okay). While I didn't want to hear it, it does make me think about my posture more and be more vigilant about my core and strength workouts. He also told me that if I did everything he said and was still improving that on Friday he would potentially clear me to return to normal activity (and he knows I'm training for an ironman, so normal activity is a lot). Sweet! I did every single thing he said. Wednesday night was a trainer ride - my average speed? 30 mph. What?! That can't be right. I did have the resistance very low to try to preserve the groin as much as possible. But still, I feel like my Garmin can't be trusted indoors. We'll see what it says this week (I have physical therapy in the morning and will not be able to ride outdoors).

Thursday was a team swim. We get the whole pool to ourselves now for an hour after it closes, so it wasn't as crowded. And, now the tri team is at the pool at the same time as the Ironteam. But, even with the added people it worked out to be only about 2 people per lane. Win. I was not a big fan of starting at 8:30pm, I was sleepy - but I guess I'll get used to it. We started doing interval swimming. While it was tough, it felt like a good workout. And, one of the tri coaches, Quinton, was coaching my lane, and gave me some more tips to improve my swim. Thank you!

Friday, mid-day, I went back to the physical therapist hoping to get cleared. He checked me out and after a quick visit - doing nothing to irritate the muscle, he cleared me to return to bike and run! Yay! Friday night we had a swim on the schedule, which I wound up not doing. I was at work until 6:30, and by the time I got home and let the dog out, I would've gotten to the pool about 20 minutes before it closed. And, I figured better to let the leg rest before the next morning's ride. So, I was all ready for the weekend's workouts. Friday night I spent some quality one on one time with the bike. I cleaned it and had a discussion with it. We need to be friends, so I made sure it knew that I would be good to it and wanted to be its friend. I was hoping this would help the next day's ride.

Saturday's team ride will get its own post, tomorrow. Stay tuned for more adventures of me and my bike. After practice I headed out to east Pasadena to see my psychiatrist, yes I have a psychiatrist, I've seen him for years, want to know more about why? Read this post I wrote a little more than a year ago, for the most part it still holds true and explains a lot. I've been feeling really anxious recently, especially when I have to ride. And, its not just a normal amount of nerves. It would be totally normal to be nervous, I've fallen a bunch, got a concussion, pulled a muscle. The bike and I have had a rough go of it so far. But, the anxiety I've been feeling is more than nerves, and I know that. I know the difference. Nerves I can deal with, the anxiety on the other hand, that takes my brain to dark scary places. Places I've been before and don't want to go back to. I've been anxious and jittery and its making me more nervous than I should be.

So, the doctor and I talked about what I can do, and we are adjusting my medication. Hopefully this will help quell the anxiety monster and stop it from rearing its ugly, dark head. I have to keep in fairly close contact with the doctor because the medications I take can affect my physical health when training. One particularly - so we are adjusting that one too. As the training days get longer and hotter we will probably have to adjust again. But, thankfully I have a great doctor who can work with me on all of this stuff. I know I will start to feel better soon and maybe, just maybe, I can gain some confidence on the bike.

Sunday was the last day of the recovery week and there was a 7 mile run, with hill repeats on the schedule. I was a little nervous about how the pulled groin muscle would feel. But, I took the whole run slow - slower than normal - by about a minute per mile. Better safe than sorry. I had a couple of moments of soreness, but all in all, I felt good during and after the run. And, I'm not sore at all today. After the run I had to stop by the bike shop to get a couple things and a running store where I picked up some new running shoes - exact same ones I've been wearing, even the same color, cause I'm a creature of habit and I love them - Saucony Kinvara.

Sunday early afternoon had a swim in store for me. 2700 yards. Oi. It went pretty well. Except for the crazy man who wound up splitting the lane with me. I was toward the slower end of the pool and splitting the lane with a woman who was done about 15 minutes after I started. I had the lane to myself for about 15 minutes and then this man came up and asked to split with me. Of course I said fine. Mistake. First, he was really fast and second, he was a total lane hog. He seriously took up like 75% of the lane most of the time. And, after about 15 minutes he was taking up so much of the lane that I wound up getting hit in the arm, leg and head no fewer than 10 times. And, hard too. I know that this will happen in races, I've heard stories, but really, in a pool where we are splitting a lane? It was just rude. I was practically on top of the lane line the whole time. Finally one of the girls in the lane next to me got out and the other girl suggested we split that lane, as I obviously couldn't keep sharing with that guy. Before I had even moved the ass had started taking up the whole lane. Rude. Anyway, I finished out the swim and felt good and had no pain in the leg. Win!

So, that was the recovery week minus Saturday. Saturday in review tomorrow.

10 AM

2012-02-05T18:15:00.000-08:00

In the midst of a 7 mile morning run...

Stranger

2012-02-05T18:07:00.001-08:00

Busy guarding the baked goods at the grocery store on a Saturday night.

Hands

2012-02-03T21:48:00.001-08:00

Words.

2012-02-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

Your view today.

2012-02-02T17:45:00.000-08:00

Today the best view I had was this one. Using his new toy as a pillow. Love.

Exploring February

2012-02-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

So, I was reading Danielle's blog and I saw this and thought it would be an interesting way to explore February. I took my first picture yesterday and will post it right after this one. But, here's the idea, take a photo everyday based on these suggestions. Maybe it'll make me a better blogger, maybe not. But, it should be interesting. So, let's go.

40 Miles that Wasn't and PT

2012-02-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday I was supposed to have my longest bike ride yet - 40 miles. I spent most of last week being ~~nervous~~ terrified. If you don't know by now, my bike and I, we haven't really become friends. I'm afraid he's trying to hurt me on purpose. I need to become friends with him (or maybe her?). We have a lot of miles to cover over the next six months. I haven't named the bike, I bought it used, and it had a name when I got it - Max. I'm not positive, but I'm starting to think he wants his old owner back. Maybe a new name would help? (Suggestions are welcome.) To the bike I have this to say, I'm sorry, you're stuck with me. Can we please start being friends? I would like to make it through this training and race in one piece, if possible, thank you.

So, anyway, two weeks ago I crashed on my bike. You don't need to hear about it again, you can read about the thigh/hip pain in this post, if you're curious. I did everything the doctor told me to do. Well, not the first doctor, cause he told me absolutely no physical activity for 6-8 weeks, except some light swimming. So, obviously, I called another doctor and got another opinion. Six to eight weeks of nothing while in the midst of training for an ironman is unacceptable. Second opinion agreed with first on one thing only - no running, at all, for at least a week, then proceed with caution. But, the second doc said to cycle on the trainer and see how it felt. He also agreed that the 40 mile ride might be "aggressive," but if I was feeling okay, then it was fine. And, he said normal activity for swim was fine. Much better opinion. And, I had physical therapy prescribed, lets get me fixed, ASAP.

I was taking it as easy as possible. Even though I was super nervous about the bike ride I wanted to get it done. Forty miles is a scary number (especially when you're slow on the bike, like me), and I wanted to get past that hurdle. I definitely had a couple more meltdowns during the week, thinking about the leg and the ride. I don't know what my deal is. Apparently triathlon training makes me cry. Lame. I went to a physical therapy appointment on Friday night, and it aggravated the pain. Crap.

So, I woke up on Saturday morning, ate my breakfast (oatmeal with nutella, almond butter and bananas) and drove out to Zuma Beach. By the time I got there I felt like someone was stabbing me in the inner thigh. Not good (I'm wondering if it was all physical, or if some it was from my anxiety about this ride). So, I wound up not going out on the bike ride. Instead I put my bike on a trainer in the parking lot and pedaled away with three other injured teammates and one expecting coach. I made it through 45 minutes (getting off the bike every 15 minutes to stretch) before the pain got worse. I spent a lot of the morning talking to my other injured teammates about life and stuff and Coach Erin about nutrition, Carbo Pro, electrolytes, changing flat tires - and asking her a million questions about her life, sorry Erin, I'm a little nosy!

injury/expecting squad (PS - I feel like my calf looks kinda awesome/super muscular here, no?)

Our view

At physical therapy appointment number 2, this morning, I saw a different physical therapist and I got more information. Actually, the physical therapist told me that he thinks the bike crash started the pain in my leg, but that some bad habits on my part are exacerbating it causing it to need more time to heal. Bad habits? Me? Never. Oh wait, that's probably right. Apparently my poor posture and slouching at my desk are irritating a nerve and causing the pain in my leg to be worse. Basically, he told me that if I do the exercises he has given me, every 2-3 hours and practice good posture while at my desk and at home, and everywhere (and when I find myself slouching do the exercises again for a bonus) then when I see him on Friday he should be able to clear me for ALL physical activity. I'll still have to see him a couple more times after that, I'm good with that, as long as I'm cleared for regular activity.

What does this all boil down to? Well, I didn't ride 40 miles, and I still have to get past that threshold, and physical therapy is interesting. I learned a lot this morning. And, I think I said the word interesting about a thousand times in our session. I was really shocked at what made my leg feel better - stretching my back - and what didn't - slouching.

Also, this week was the dog's birthday. We had a little celebration. Just me and him. I got him special dog cupcakes and a new toy (a soft cow with a water bottle inside, which he LOVES) and made him wear a party hat (only for a minute out of fear that if I left it on him longer he might try to bite me). Happy Birthday Rocky! My fur baby is 5. If he could stop aging and stay right where he's at right now, forever, that would be perfect.

Crossing my fingers for a good prognosis on Friday! (If you could keep yours crossed to I'd be grateful, and if you see me slouching, throw something at me, or just tell me.)

And, as always, I'm still fundraising with Team in Training for Vineman. Please consider making a donation here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

11 Random Things

2012-01-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

Heather at 365 days of awesome tagged me in the 11 Things post that's been going around. So, since my workouts have been limited this week and I don't have much interesting to say today, I thought I'd join in the fun. (Although, I will not be tagging anyone, cause I feel like everyone has already done this, and I don't always like to play by the rules... if you haven't been tagged, I'm sorry, join in, and pretend I tagged you!)

Rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.
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Randoms about ME

1. I'm not usually someone who cries a lot. But, training for an ironman has me all sorts of weepy, all the time. Seriously feel like I could cry at almost any given moment. And, its made me more anxious/nervous than I've been in years. (I take medication to help with anxiety, and this business is making me feel like it doesn't work anymore. Its not a good feeling - reminds me of bad/dark places my head sometimes likes to go - I need to talk to my doctor about this.)

2. In high school I did everything I could to get out of PE class. I hated it. I would just sit there and do nothing. My PE teacher excused me from having to take a second year, I think mostly because I was good at convincing everyone else in class to not do stuff too. Now, I enjoy running marathons and I'm training for an Ironman. Who would've thought that would happen?

3. Being raised by journalists has made me very inquisitive (also known as nosy). If you let me, I'll ask you a million questions about you. I like getting to know people. Also, you can ask me anything you want in return, I'll probably be honest with you, I have nothing to hide.

4. I'm 32 years old and my parents are still my emergency contacts. I'm single, who else would I put? And, they live in the same city as me. And, I'm really close with them. In my mind, it would be weird if they weren't my emergency contacts.

5. I don't mind being single. Seriously. If I meet someone, then that's great. But, I'm not bent about it. When people say they want to set me up or put me on Match.com I don't get it. I think that says more about them than me. I've been single a long time, I'm really okay with it. And, single doesn't mean lonely, or alone. It just means I'm not serious about any one particular person. Sometimes it means I'm dating more than one person, or only casually hanging out with someone. Also, sometimes I date someone seriously but don't put labels on it, cause I don't really see the point. I'm pretty mellow about the whole relationship thing. (On the same note, if I never get married then that's fine, and if I do, then that's fine too, whatever happens happens, I'm not gonna get crazy about it, either way.)

6. I don't fully trust people who don't like any animals. It's confusing to me, cause I love my dog so much. And, I really don't trust people who animals don't like. Sorry, gotta go with the critters on this one, if they don't like you, I won't either. And if you don't like them, well, you're never going to come in first in my book (even if you do like them, the dog is probably always going to win).

7. I am still friends with a group of girls from high school and they are the most amazing women I have ever met in my life. I am so grateful to have each and every one of them in my life, they make me a better person just by knowing them. When I say I hit the lottery of friends, I'm not kidding. Jackpot. Best friends ever.

8. It REALLY bothers me when people, knowing I'm sober, say they want to see me drunk. It's not cool to say that. It wouldn't be fun to see it. Stop saying it. I'm sober for a reason, please accept that and don't try to make me fit in your world. The next person who says that to me, who I'm Facebook friends with, gets deleted. The end. You know who you are, you've been warned. (Let's put it this way, if you had a friend who was a drug addict you wouldn't say to them, "I wish I could see you on heroin, that would be awesome." Its the same thing, its just that my drug of choice happens to be alcohol.)

9. I can eat an entire box of cereal, by myself, in one day (maybe one sitting). I can't have cereal in my house, especially sugary cereal .... mmmm.... Trix.... (But, in all seriousness it doesn't have to be sugary cereal, I could eat a box of Chex just as easily.) Cereal is just not allowed in my house, or I would be the size of a house.

10. I'm scared of elevators. I will take them, but I have a small anxiety attack every time I get in one. I have recurring nightmares that I'm in an elevator that is falling uncontrollably, and then it rises, also uncontrollably, back and forth. I know this is a stress dream, and it went away for a while, but it seems to have come back. I wake up in a cold sweat and scared every time. It's terrifyingly real. (I know this isn't going to actually happen, but every time I get in an elevator I think about it.)

11. I celebrate my dog's birthday every year. It's next week actually. I know, weird, but I give him special treats and sometimes make him wear a birthday hat (he hates the hat, loves the treats). I love my dog like he's my child, so of course I celebrate his birthday. (Besides, I like him more than I like most people, and I celebrate their birthdays, so why not his?) And, this might sound weird, but part of why I celebrate his birthday is because I feel like he helped save me. I brought him home within months of getting sober and being diagnosed with bipolar and he helped me through some rough times in the beginning - and still does, his unconditional love and affection get me through a lot.

someone knows the hat is coming...

oh treats!

can we take this hat off now?

mmmm.... treats!

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Now, 11 NEW questions from Heather...

1. Do you cross train? (Be honest!) I didn't used to, but training for an Ironman there is ALL kinds of cross training happening. Swim, bike, core and stability. I'm exhausted, and this is just the beginning. I sorta miss just training for a marathon, it was simpler. And I didn't cry during marathon training. Now, water works, all the time.

2. What's your FAVORITE thing about running? The feeling I get after a good run. Nothing like it in the world.

3. And your LEAST favorite? Getting started. I have to give myself a pep talk before almost every single run I do. The first three miles are almost always miserable for me. After that, I'm usually good.

4. If you could eat only one food for the rest of your life, what is it? Pasta or cake, mmmm, carbs. Scratch that, cake. Definitely - I have a crazy bad sweet tooth.

5. What came first, chicken or the egg? Chicken. Cause where else would the egg come from?

6. You're stuck on a deserted island - what three books do you wish you had with you? East of Eden (my favorite book of all time, I actually own a first edition), Harry Potter (I'm gonna say the whole series counts as one), the third is a little trickier - maybe One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, or The Bell Jar, or Things Fall Apart, or On the Road. I love books. Narrowing it down is too hard.

7. How much time do you spend getting ready before leaving your house for a normal day of work/school/whatever you do? Like 15 minutes, max. I spend more time with the dog in the front yard in the morning than I do getting ready. Really, I just brush my teeth, brush my hair, get dressed and *maybe* put on a little makeup (usually only some powder to cover the bags under my eyes that I was so genetically blessed to get =/.)

8. Do you love the treadmill as much as I do? F'ing hate it. Worst thing ever. I am learning to hate the bike trainer now too, but the treadmill still wins. Hate.

9. My birthday is coming up (in 6 months)... want to come have a party? Um, hell ya. My birthday is in four and a half months, lets celebrate!

10. What should I get The H for his birthday (next week)? Um, a kindle, or nook, or some kind of e-reader, if he reads. If not, get him some power tools. (I have no idea how to shop for men, I'm not the right person to ask.)

11. Have you joined Team Gab yet? Yes, for the virtual run, but I can't run the PCRF half cause I'll be busy with Wildflower Long that weekend. But, I'll totally run the half marathon there for Team Gab!

*************************************************************
If you're so inclined to tag yourself and answer 11 random questions here you go (if you do, tell me you did, so I can see your answers): (if you want my answers to these questions let me know I'll give them to you)

1. What's your favorite movie?
2. Books or TV?
3. If you could move to any city in the world what city would it be?
4. Life hands you lemons, now what?
5. Summer or winter?
6. What's the hardest thing you've ever done?
7. If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?
8. Have you ever been in love?
9. Favorite flavor of ice cream?
10. Dogs or cats?
11. Do you believe in fate?

PCH

2012-01-26T11:30:00.000-08:00

Sunday I faced a big fear - PCH. The last time I rode on this particular stretch of road I had a bad crash and wound up in the hospital, with a concussion. And, I looked like this the next day. Not cute. All swollen and bruised and scraped. Lovely. Needless to say, cycling on PCH scares me a little (it scared me BEFORE my crash, now post crash, its a whole new level.)

There were options for the ride/run on Sunday, I didn't have to go back to PCH. But, I decided it was time to get back out there and face it again. I was nervous, and rightfully so. But, I knew the longer I waited the harder it would be. Actually, I didn't tell anyone this, but as we were getting on the road, I felt my eyes filling with tears (no tears actually spilled out, but I knew they were there, waiting). I took a deep breath, clipped in, and pedaled on down the road. I was really really nervous. I was trying very hard not to be scared.

I started out really strong - actually probably going a bit too fast. I tried not to think about the place where I had crashed, which I would come across on my way back in. It was an out and back ride, ~12.5 miles each way. I got to what was the last (and basically) only incline on the way out and I just lost my breath and power on the way up and started to tip over. I caught myself, but then I couldn't get stated again, it was too steep. I had to walk my bike to the top. Fail. I actually started to have a minor panic attack in that moment. But, I pulled myself together and made it to the top.

I got to the turnaround and started back. Right after I started to head back I heard an unfamiliar noise. I got off the bike and realized I had a flat tire, on the back tire. Crap. I have practiced changing the front tire, but I have never tried changing the back tire. It took me a couple minutes just to get the damn thing off the bike, with the chain and all, it was a situation. It was taking me so long to get back to where Coach Jason had seen me that he came to find me. He helped me get the tire changed and I was finally on my way again.

I knew the accident zone was coming up, but I didn't know how far ahead. After the ~20 minute stop to change the tire my body was not happy that I was on the bike again. But, I was doing okay. A little slower than the beginning. Then, Coach Brad came and found us. Then, the noise, again. Flat rear tire, again. Luckily there was a coach with me, and he helped me change it. (At this point I had two flat tires in my jersey, looking all crazy like a humpback - I wish I had a picture, I don't. I'm a bad blogger. Also, I need to figure out how to change the tires myself.)

Back on the road again, my body was even angrier. I was feeling spent, and nervous, the pothole was approaching. After we passed American Apparel I knew it was coming up, but I didn't know how quickly. As we were pedaling along I realized that I didn't remember any of this part of the ride from when I fell. A little unnerving to ride somewhere that you've definitely ridden before, but have zero recollection of. But, I saw the spot, it's marked with orange spray paint - with an x through it and a circle around it. I looked at it and in my head said, "You will not take me down again!" It's weird, but it felt good to get past it and say that to myself.

I finally made it back to the start point to begin my 4 mile run (more than 2.5 hours total after I started - including more than 30 minutes of time stopped dealing with the flat tires). I was exhausted and had no idea how I would get that run done. But, I did it. But, tt hurt, bad. I started having a weird pain on my inner right thigh, especially on the uphills. But, I got the run done and faced my fear of PCH. All in all a successful day, even with the flats, slow poke end, and even though the run sucked and was crazy slow (12:30 min mile pace). But, I faced it and next time I'll be less scared.

Side note - that pain in my thigh has become a slightly bigger issue. I wound up going to the doctor on Tuesday morning before work and had to get physical therapy prescribed for a pulled groin (seriously, I want to use the actual muscle names, but I can't remember, adductor, abductor? I don't know) and I got a prescription for anti-inflammatories, cause I still have a nasty bruise from the fall a week ago Wednesday, on my hip, he seemed to think this was part of the cause of the thigh pain (as the bursa is still inflamed).

See the picture below of the giant bruise, I put my finger in the photo so you could get an idea of the size. Gross, right? It's like the size of a salad plate. It looks a little better today, but not much. It's still a little swollen and painful to the touch. Nothing is broken or torn, it just looks bad. He also thought that a 40 mile bike ride this weekend might be "aggressive," so we'll see how that goes. (I'm nervous about the bike ride, what if I get 20 miles out and suddenly my leg feels like its going to fall off? These are the things that worry me.)

And, I'm still fundraising, if you want to make a donation please click the link and hit donate now. I know, you're sick of reading that I'm fundraising, but I'm not gonna stop telling you til I reach my minimum, so if you help me out I'll be closer to leaving you all alone ;)

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

All Star

2012-01-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, so, a bunch of workouts and things happened last week, with one really important one on Sunday, but I'll save that for another post. Today I'm going to tell you about last Saturday. Something really amazing happened on Saturday. Let me preface this and say that I posted an entry on this blog about quitting a week ago. It was about quitting the negativity and self doubt and knowing that I will finish what I've started. Then on Wednesday I crashed my bike - AGAIN. I got back up, but it hurt and I have a seriously ugly bruise to show for it (I'll save that for another post). After I fell on Wednesday I posted a simple Japanese proverb on my Facebook wall "Fall down seven times, get up eight." This is how I feel about life, and that day it held especially true. Now, back to Saturday.

Saturday we had a bike/run ("brick") on the schedule. I woke up early Saturday morning to the sound of fairly heavy rain. I was super nervous about riding in the rain. I'm not a strong cyclist, add a wet road and who knows what's bound to happen. But, I got myself out of the house and headed to practice anyway. We were meeting out in Westlake, about a 20-25 minute drive from my apartment. Actually as I was leaving my place my neighbor across the hall came out and asked me if I was going to ride. When I said yes, she said, "You tell your coach I said no, its too dangerous to ride." Then I narrowly avoided an accident when a car spun out in front of me right after I got on the freeway. After that all I could think was I was going to crash on my bike. I just wanted to turn around and crawl back in bed. But, I didn't.

I got out to Westlake, looked at the slick roads and thought, "No way. I am not riding in this, I'm going to hurt myself." Well, as luck would have it, the coaches agreed and instead we did our long run, with the brick rescheduled for the next day.

As we were listening to the coaches tell us what we would be doing for the day something very unexpected happened. I was called in to the middle of the circle the group had formed and the coaches/staff gave me the "All Star Award" for the day. I could not believe what was happening. Then, they read part of my blog post about quitting. I was shocked (shocked that people read this blog and even more shocked that I was hearing it read back to me).

Even though I struggle so much with the bike (or maybe because of it and because I get up and get back on every time) they were giving me the special All Star jersey for the day. To say I felt honored would be a giant understatement. I am training with some of the most incredible and amazing people I have ever met, or could even dream of getting to know, and they chose me for the first All Star award of the season. Seriously amazing. I really can't express in words how this made me feel. I feel blessed to just be a part of this group and train with all of these amazing women and men. They are all so incredible. Thinking about it now makes me feel so honored, still.

And, apparently the blog post I wrote, about quitting, convinced someone else on the team that they should recommit and keep going with the team too. I write this blog mostly for myself. I do it so I can remember all the work I've put in. If others want to read it, that's great. But, the fact that it inspired someone to keep going, that, moves me more than almost anything else. You really never know how you affect the world around you, and as the coaches said, your presence does make a difference. So, whoever you are, thank you for reading and sticking with the team, and with me. Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels nervous.

So, I got to wear this totally awesome jersey for the rest of the day. I felt like Rainbow Brite and I loved every minute of it. We did our long run (8 miles) and I smiled the whole time. It was an incredible feeling. That jersey has magical powers to make you smile, I'm convinced. It wasn't the fastest eight miles I've ever run, but it was the most enjoyable in a long time. Thank you IronTEAM. It made me feel even better about my decision to recommit and stick with this. Thinking about this, even a few days later, makes me smile.

Best jersey ever. I wish I got to keep it!

If you want to support me on this journey please click the link and hit DONATE NOW. I need your support to get through the training and across that finish line.

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Thank you!

I Quit.

2012-01-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

"You must do the things you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Quitting has never really been an option in my life. Growing up if I fell down or got hurt or something felt hard my parents made me get back up and try again. There was no quitting. I think the only time they let one of us quit something after an accident was when my little sister broke her nose after school, her Brownie uniform was covered in blood, covered. She wasn't at a Brownies meeting, she was just playing after school waiting for it to start. It was an unfortunate incident and its possible my parents let her quit partially because they didn't want to deal with the bloody uniform. Who can blame them? Not me. But, for the most part, we were not allowed to just quit.

But, I am quitting. I'm done. I won't do it anymore. I am going to quit doubting myself. I am going to quit being afraid. I will not believe any of the negative thoughts that sometimes swirl through my head. I will not be afraid that I can't do this. I will not let anxiety take me over. I can do this and I will do this. Training for an ironman isn't easy, but no one said it would be. I need to embrace all the new things and challenges and not be scared of what is down the road. I know I will be nervous at times (maybe a lot of the time?) but I will not let the nerves decided what I can and cannot do. I will not let the unknown determine my future. I am embracing the words of Eleanor Roosevelt. I am going to do the things I think I cannot do.

When I started running I doubted almost every step.
I worried that I wouldn't be able to finish what I had started.
Doubt is long gone when I run. She can't keep up.
Now to make her get lost when I swim and bike!

For the past 10 weeks I have been training for Vineman, an ironman distance triathlon, in July. I have struggled on the bike, I have been timid and nervous pretty much every single ride. The bike is the thing that scares me the most. A couple of weeks ago, when I fell off my bike and got a concussion, it would have been very easy to say to everyone, "I'm really sorry, but this is too dangerous. I'm not going to do it." Its a daunting task, training for 140.6 miles. Swim, bike, run, repeat, a lot. There are moments that I wonder what I've gotten myself in to. "Am I really capable of this?" The bike scares me, and this would have been the perfect moment to back out. But, that would have been the easy way out, the quitters way. So, I got back on the bike and will continue to do so.

"True strength is keeping it together when everyone expects you to fall apart." - Unknown

Quitting doesn't get you any where, except further from your dreams. When you quit you are letting yourself down, and that just sucks.

Today is recommitment for the Ironteam. You're in or you're out. The paperwork was emailed out last week, and shortly thereafter I started feeling incredibly overwhelmed by training and life. I found myself wondering if this is really something I am capable of, mentally and physically. I have actually had a couple of full blown meltdowns. I am not usually one to cry. But, apparently since I hit my head the tears have come back, with a vengeance.

Thursday night was meltdown number one. I was hanging out with a friend who kept asking me if I was okay, and I kept saying yes, because I didn't want to talk about. But, push me enough and it'll all come tumbling out. And that's what happened. I started crying and wondering if I can really do this. 140.6 seems so big and unfathomable right now. I felt bad for my friend, he looked like he had no idea what to do. The negative thoughts were taking over in that moment.

Friday I was good. I thought I had gotten it out of my system. In fact, on Friday, I decided to do the thing that was scaring me a little bit. I sent in my recommitment paperwork. Why would I do such a thing when I was having doubts and concerns? Because all the doubts and concerns were all fears in my head. I know that if I put in the time and training I will succeed. No, I'm not going to win, but I will finish and I will finish strong. This was the time to recommit. I'm in.

Then, on Saturday came meltdown number two. We had a bike ride at Griffith Park, and physical recommitment. We had to ride 25 miles in 2 hours or less. This may not seem like a lot, but it was scary to me. The bike is where I struggle. Can I bike that far in that time? Then I heard what the course was, including a hill, that we would climb and descend twice, and I was more scared (this is not a gigantic hill, I'm sure, but it was scary for me). I was psyching myself out. Not a good way to start the day. But, off I went. The uphill was hard, but I had made it (although, I was super slow, and I feel like I could have run up the hill faster than I pedaled). I got to the top and could only see a little ways down, it was a twisty street and I was really nervous about the downhill. I braked a lot on the way down and my brakes were super squealy. Thoughts of falling and seriously injuring myself rumbled around in my head. "Why are you doing this? This is dangerous. Get off this damn bike. You are going to hurt yourself. This is stupid. Stop it now." I got to the turnaround point and one of the coaches was there, he looked at my brakes and reassured me they were fine. Off I went back to our start point to start a second loop.

"Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength." - Unknown.

I got to the start to check in with the staff after just about an hour. This meant I would be cutting it close for the time cutoff. Then I don't know what happened, as I was standing there I started melting down again. Tears. And bad thoughts. "You can't do this. Just stop now. There's no point in going back out there you won't finish in time. You are wasting your time. You are going to hurt yourself. No one will blame you if you stop. This is crazy hard." I finally calmed down and was encouraged to go back out. Plus, I knew that deep down I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't finish, and I knew my mom would kill me. So, off I went. I got back to the top of the hill, slowly (again, I think I could have run it faster than I pedaled). Coach Brad was at the top and made me stop for a minute and gave me a pep talk.

Then off we went. I was much better the second time down the hill. I was still nervous, but not as nervous as the first time, I think not knowing what was ahead of me the first time made it scarier. I got to the bottom and knew that I was going to have to pedal my heart out to make the cutoff. I got back and knew it was close, but not sure how close. Then it was off for a run. I got home that day and was optimistic, thinking I had maybe made it in under 2 hours. I wasn't 100% sure, and I knew it was close, but I thought maybe, just maybe. (And, big success - I didn't fall off the bike once! YAY!)

Sunday came meltdown number three. I woke up that morning and headed to Santa Monica to meet up with some of the team for a run. The second of our physical recommitment markers. This I knew I could do, easy peasy. I may not be the fastest runner, but I can get it done. I started out slower than normal, my shins were hurting a little in the beginning. But, when I found my rhythm I was fine. I finished 6.98 miles in 80 minutes. Not super speedy, but I did it. I know I can run faster, but considering the week and the day before I was happy with how I did. (I would have preferred closer to 8, but I'm not mad about 7.)

After the run I had another meltdown. Not a huge one, but there were tears. It doesn't even matter now what it was about, but I was freaking out. "This is stupid. Just stop. You can't do this." Again, I was calmed down and reassured that everything would be okay. I know it will, I just need to stick to the schedule and work hard and I will get there, one step at a time. (Seriously, they must all think I'm a complete basket case. I swear, I'm not!) I don't know what my issue was this past week, but I could not keep myself together. But, that doesn't mean its time to throw in the towel or stop trying.

Being scared of something is usually not a reason to not do something, in fact, being scared of something, is quite often, the reason you should do it. Yes, I'm nervous about the coming months and the event and the training. But, if I think about it like that I'll never be able to finish. I just need to think about today and finishing today's workout and doing the best I can TODAY.

If I let fear or negative thoughts dictate my whole life I would miss out on some amazing experiences.

I would never have done this:

Or this...

And I definitely never would have done this...

That's me, bungee jumping, hanging off a bridge.

I probably wouldn't have gotten sober (it was scary imagining myself without hiding behind alcohol). I also probably wouldn't have so readily accepted the diagnosis of bipolar and help that came with it (its a scary diagnosis, if you let it be). I would still be a lost little girl. There are so many things I would have missed out on. Instead I have face my fears, enjoy my life, live it to the fullest and will continue to do so, every single day.

I am going to do this. I trust my coaches and I know that they will get me there, if I put in the work. Being scared and quitting isn't going to get me anywhere. So, I will carry on. I will be great. Just you watch.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." - Ambrose Redmoon

If you want to support me as I continue down this path and shed the old me and find the new me, as I cast doubt and fear to the side and do things I thought I was incapable of, please consider making a donation (100% tax deductible) to LLS. I've still got plenty of miles available for my sponsor a mile, so I can swim/bike/run a mile for you or in honor of someone you choose! Click the link and hit donate now.

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Thanks!

Goals and Resolutions

2012-01-10T18:33:00.000-08:00

I am not a big believer in resolutions. If you want to change something in your life do it. Don't wait for a specific date. Just make the change. So often resolutions fail, I don't know why. Doesn't matter. I'm not a resolution kind of girl. But, I am goal oriented. And keeping that in mind I have a few goals for 2012. (I know, I'm a little late to the goals post party, I've been busy.)

1. Finish a triathlon (Desert Tri will be my first in March - a training race for Vineman)

2. Finish a half ironman (Wildflower Long in May - also a training race for Vineman)

3. Finish a full ironman (Vineman full at the end of July)

4. Relax and don't freak out about numbers 1, 2 and 3 (Still working on this one, at this point if I think about any of these too much I get a little panicky, I know I'll get there, but right now, it still seems super intimidating)

5. Follow the training schedule (this one should be super easy - I don't have to think about it, I just have to do what the coaches tell me, and so far I have been VERY good about it, I've only skipped two or three workouts total - not including the post concussion recovery days, but that does not count)

6. Get better at cycling (this will come with time and practice, I know, but right now, I basically feel ridiculous and totally uncoordinated every single time I'm on the bike.)

7. Improve running form and swimming form (I practice these every single time I do them, this should help me be as efficient as possible today and throughout training)

8. Be smart about races I register for. Don't just register for races to register for them. Just because its a good deal or all my friends are doing it does not mean I should do it. I will only register for races I really want to do and that I have a goal for, and that I can afford (must keep the wallet in mind).

9. Don't just do things to do them (or because I already paid for it). Keeping that in mind I am selling my bib for Tinkerbell half marathon this month, it doesn't fit in to the training schedule (see #4) and I want to be strong for the other events. Also out is the Big Sur Marathon. I hopefully will be running this one next year (again, see #4, doesn't fit in training schedule). Big Sur is the weekend before Wildflower. I don't want to die at Wildflower and I want to be strong for that and Vineman. So, I drop Tinkerbell and Big Sur. Anyone interested in buying my Big Sur bib? (Seriously.)

10. Pass the $10,000 mark in my fundraising with LLS (I'm actually only about $1500 away from hitting this goal as of 1/10/12, please help me surpass it before the end of January! Donate here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco)

11. Run a full marathon in under 5 hours (hoping to hit this goal at Marine Corps Marathon in October

12. Enjoy myself while I'm doing all of this stuff. If I'm not having fun, what's the point?

(I also have a bunch of personal goals - but since this is a blog about my running adventures this is what you get.)

I did have a bunch of goals for 2011 and a lot of them didn't happen, but it was a great year, regardless. I started the year off with an injury (sprained right MCL) and I finished it strong and training with the IronTEAM for Vineman. Here are a few goals that didn't quite make it:

1. Break 2:30 in the half marathon. This was not my year for the half. I struggled every single time I went to race one. I did really well in all of my training runs, running ~2:15 every time. But, come race day, every time, EPIC failure. Mostly I got in my own way. Once I locked all my stuff in my car. Whatever. I am not friends with the half marathon, at least not right now. One day I will return to this, but it just doesn't seem all that important to me right now. I know that I registered for and ran too many of these. I need to pick just one or two and focus on those. Not eight. Eight is not smart. It is the opposite of smart, especially when you start seeing the same time appear every single time (no joke, I finished 6 of the 8 within a 2 minute window - about 30 mins slower than what I ran in training, ridiculous on SO many levels). What this comes down to is being smart about racing. And that is what I will do this year.

2. Break 5 hours in the full. I was registered for two fulls at the beginning of this year - Alaska Mayor's Marathon in June and Marine Corps Marathon in October. I deferred Marine Corps when I decided to do the Goofy Challenge (which I wound up dropping for a number of reasons). So, I only ran one marathon this year, Alaska. And, while I didn't break 5 hours, I did run an amazing race and PR'd by 31 minutes. Seriously incredible. I enjoyed every single minute of this race and I am not upset with how I did. I will get sub 5, and I think MCM is the perfect place to go for it.

3. Become a morning runner. I tried, seriously I really did. But, my bed is so warm and cozy and inviting in the morning and its always so cold outside, I'd just rather stay comfy and cozy. And, I was practically assaulted by a crazy woman on the street when I did try to run in the morning. Plus, when I did run in the morning I liked it, but I'm better in the evening. I'll admit there are days when I get home from work and the last thing I want to do is go for a run, but my evening runs are a great way for me to unwind from the day. Maybe eventually running in the morning will be my thing, but right now, its dark and really cold outside, so I'll just stick with the evenings (yes, it's still dark and cold, but not nearly as bad as I'm not just getting out of my warm comfy bed). I am, unfortunately needing to become a morning cyclist. I just don't get out of work in time to cycle after work, it's way too dark. So, its either mornings or the trainer. I'm going for my first morning ride tomorrow. Hopefully I'm not too grumpy when I get there.

2011 was a good year, it ended on a slightly rough note with the concussion, but I'm bouncing back fast, and 2012 seems to be holding so much more than I ever could have imagined, already.

Drinking, Driving, Bricks and Recovery

2012-01-09T17:35:00.000-08:00

Recap of the week's training before I talk about the big stuff from the weekend. Tuesday was a coached swim. I was nervous at first and couldn't find a rhythm and got dizzy, but once I relaxed I was fine. Must remember to relax. Wednesday was a trainer ride while watching the Biggest Loser - it was sweaty sweaty sweaty. No idea what my speed or distance was as I was using the Garmin, just focused on cadence, kept it as close to 90 as possible the whole time. And, I managed to scare the dog again, he hates that thing. Thursday was a run. I went for a run up Ventura Blvd (on the sidewalk) and it was magical. I just felt good the whole time. I ran 5.01 miles in 53 minutes. And, I felt good, the whole time. This was the first time I've run this route and not almost gotten hit by a car (or two or three) coming out of driveways or making turns. It was perfect. I did this run at a 4:1 interval (which I think might be my sweet spot, still working on that though). Friday was supposed to be a swim. I had a really hard time finding an open pool. Why must all pools be closed at the same time for maintenance? Don't they know I'm training for an Ironman? Inconvenient. (I know, first world problems.) So, that swim didn't happen. I HATE skipping workouts, but I got out of work really late and I really could not find an open pool to get to. I do not plan on letting this happen again, even if it means swimming in the morning. (Praying that the Sherman Oaks/Van Nuys park pool reopens this week, as its scheduled to....) Now on to the weekend.

Over the weekend I had to take a test (a small, but important one) on drinking and driving. This might seem confusing as I am 5+ years sober. Well, it wasn't about drinking alcohol and driving. This test was about consuming fluids during a bike ride. You see, to this point, I have struggled with drinking enough while I'm on the bike. It hasn't really been a huge issue, because our rides haven't been that long. But, they are going to get longer and I need to be drinking more. The problem is, I was able to get the bottle out of the cage, but then I struggled getting it back in. I always had to stop, clip out and then drink. I just felt like I was going to fall every single time I tried to get the bottle back in.

So, before practice on Saturday there was a drinking and driving clinic for those of us who were struggling with this. (Thankfully I was not the only one!) After Coach Jason told us what to do he made us ride around the parking lot and practice. Every time I got the bottle back in the cage I was so excited! Success! Then the whole team got there and everyone had to ride around the parking lot and prove that they could get the bottles in and out of the cages successfully, of course, this is when I dropped my bottle. Ugh. Oh well. (Drinking and driving is clearly not my forte at this point - but I will get better at it.)

Overcast Zuma Beach morning.

Saturday's team workout was a brick. A two hour ride followed by a 20 minute run. We had done a five minute run off the bike before, but I knew this would be a little more challenging.

Before the ride, Dolly, Tara and me (I'm a ninja! with white shoes...)

After the spin around the lot we were split in to two groups - beginner/intermediate and advanced. I am obviously still with the beginner group. Our course was heading north on PCH from Zuma Beach up to Leo Carillo, then head south to the start point, and repeat (for a two hours). I was doing pretty good, drinking my liquids - or at least I thought. I had a moment where I thought I was going to fall - I was in too high of a gear and trying to get my bottle back in the cage, but I managed to prevent the fall (by stopping) and get going again. When I got to the turnaround point I was scolded by Coach Brad for not drinking enough. Darn. I thought I had been doing so well! (I realized that while I'm drinking frequently I'm not drinking enough each time, I'm only taking a couple small sips, and need to consume more than that, a lot more.)

So, I did manage to fall at this point. I just sorta tipped over. I wasn't really moving and it was completely ridiculous. Such is the life of a clumsy girl trying to train for a triathlon. This fall did score me an ugly bruise on my left hip and a couple of deep feeling scratches on my right ankle. Nice. (Somehow when I fell hard on PCH and got a concussion I had no bruising on my side where I fell, yet I just tip over and I get an ugly bruise. What is that about?)

Lovely scratches. They still hurt.

Anyway, I finished up the ride (~25 miles, not super fast, but I know that with time and practice I'll get faster) feeling pretty strong and then we had to run for 20 minutes. When I started running it felt like my legs were moving through molasses. I was convinced I must be doing around a 12-13 minute mile. I looked down at my Garmin, and it was clocking me at 8:16/mile. Holy crap! That's way faster than I normally run, and it felt sloooooow. I forced myself to slow down a bit and finished out the run doing a 10 min/mile pace. Running off the bike is hard.

After Saturday's brick workout we were all treated to a variety of different recovery drinks. Basically add a powdery substance to water, shake and drink. Its supposed to aid in recovery, important when you're working out 6 days a week. I tried this fruity flavored one. Blech. It tasted like crunched up vitamins. Tara also let me try hers, a chocolate flavored one - not delicious, but MUCH more palatable. (Side note - I'm so happy Tara is on the team, she has given me lots of tips and its nice having someone who's done some triathlons before around to talk to!)

Sunday was another run day and I met up with some of the team in Santa Monica for what proved to be a difficult run. It was hilly and there were stairs - so many stairs. Apparently my Garmin blinked out at some point and my mileage read low - I thought I completed 6 miles in 1 hour 10 minutes, a little slow, but considering the previous day's workout and the stairs and hills, not too awful and I wasn't bothered by it, but actually I finished more like 6.3 miles. Still not speedy, but better. I'll take it.

After Sunday's run I tried a different brand of recovery drink, chocolate flavor. Also, not delicious, but much better than the first one. (I stopped at the running store near my house after practice on Saturday and got a bunch of single packets of these things to try in a variety of flavors. Now to experiment until I find one I like and that works well for me.)

I also bought a 24 pack of PB Gu -
my new favorite flavor.

Today my calves are sore and achy from the weekend's workouts (I wore compression sleeves under my slacks and I have a date with the foam roller tonight). Even though I could have done an easier run on my own I'm glad I went with the team and did the run. It was hard, but no one said that training for an Ironman was going to be easy. And, it's only going to get harder. So, I embrace the challenges & am ready for more. Bring it.

Just because a snuggly picture of the dog...

If you want to support me in this crazy Ironman quest please consider making a donation. You can sponsor a mile for just $15 and help get me closer to my goal (every $15 donation = a mile, if you donate $30 you get 2, $45=3, etc). Thank you for your continued support! And a special thank you to everyone who has already donated. (To donate click the link and hit donate now)

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Thank you!

New Years and Training

2012-01-04T17:34:00.000-08:00

After my bike accident I have been struggling a little bit with a few things. Some things have felt exponentially more difficult - swimming, specifically. I know that after a concussion it takes time to recover, but it can be incredibly frustrating. I kept feeling like I should be healed and back to normal sooner than I was getting there (now I actually do feel mostly normal again). But, I have been listening to the coaches and doing exactly what they tell me to do. Even when I have a rough training day I know that the next one has the potential to be better and I shouldn't get down on myself about it. So, I have carried on with my training.

So, since my last post here's what has happened. Get excited. It's all sorts of awesome. (I might be exaggerating, a little, okay, a lot, whatever.) So, I had another rest day (there was a potential that I was going to do a swim set on Friday, but after a couple not great swims, coach gave me a rest day), so I wrote out thank you notes to everyone who has donated so far (a lot of notes, my hand was cramping part was through). I still haven't mailed them, cause I have no stamps, this will be rectified this week. (Spoiler alert - if you've donated that means you're getting a hand written thank you note, its what I do, although I have no idea when you'll actually get it because of the whole stamps situation.)

Saturday I packed my bike into my car and headed out to Santa Monica for a team practice. It was actually a run practice, but I was told to bring my bike with me so I could get another ride on the road in before the Sunday ride. The run actually went really well. It was the first really great workout since the bike crash. I felt strong the whole way. I did not love the squats or alphabet balances we had to stop to do throughout the run, but all in all, a good run. Five miles in 60 minutes. No, not super fast, but we did have to do stops for strength and balance, and I'm not quite back to my regular interval yet (did a 4:1). I wanted to complete the last loop and get in about 6.5-7 miles, but I also didn't want to press my luck, knowing I had to get on the bike afterward. So I stopped at 60 minutes.

After practice I found out how long I needed to bike for. I was nervous, only the second time back on the road. But, I knew I would be okay. I was really really slow getting ready for this ride. But once I got going and relaxed in to it, I felt fine. I did the golf course loop, so 7 miles in 30 minutes. Again, really not speedy, but, I had just done that whole running thing and my legs were tired. I could definitely feel the difference on the bike since getting the fitting, it just felt better all the way around. I'm so happy I got that done.

After my workouts for the day I spent most of the rest of the day being lazy. I cleaned a little bit and then headed to my parents house for home made sushi dinner (apparently this is their thing now, fine with me, totally delicious). I went to a party at a friend's house for a bit. Single sober girl decided to call it a night early, lots of drunk people and couples is not the most fun evening ever. I was home and in my pjs before midnight. I'm good with it. New Year's is not really my thing. I watched the ball drop and fell asleep, nervous about the next morning's impending bike ride (that would possibly take me up PCH again).

I woke up early with an upset stomach - I was really nervous, there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. I took my time in the morning, had breakfast, snuggled with Rocky (who, by the way, does not like to cuddle unless he initiates it - so difficult) and finally, when I could wait no longer, I got dressed and packed up the bike again and headed out to Santa Monica. I got there fairly early, parked and headed to our meeting spot. The coaches said there would be two routes that morning, one up PCH and one down through the Marina. I decided to go with the Marina route. Not cause I'm scared of PCH, I am nervous about the next time I ride it, but because it had been foggy and damp and that just didn't seem like the best time for my first ride back on the road of danger (my new name for the pot hole lined, car filled PCH). The coaches agreed that I should go south to the Marina too.

During the warm up there was a moment when my cadence was not high enough, I knew it wasn't, but, of course, that is the moment Coach Brad decides to ride by and tell me to pick it up. A little warning that he's coming next time would be nice so I can make sure to be doing the right thing, otherwise its just downright rude, catching me off guard like that (I know, I should have the correct cadence all the time, whatever). ;) It was a lovely ride, albeit really slow at the beginning, there were approximately a million stop signs and stop lights, and I think I hit every single red one. I only had one small fall, and I wasn't even moving at the time, I just sorta tipped over (and now have a lovely bruise on the inside of my left knee, sexy, no?). I don't know that cycling is a good choice for someone as clumsy as me. Clearly I need to do more of the balance exercises. All in all, a successful bike ride - total miles 25 (including golf course warm up loop), 2 hours.

Me, Joy, Susie and the elusive Amanda! Top
of Runyon (Rocky is hiding behind me, the
dog out front is Susie's.)

Monday was supposed to be a rest day, so I went with Susie, Amanda, Joy and a friend of Susie's up for a little walk around Runyon. Since we were going to be going slow poke style I decided to bring Rocky with me. He has never been to Runyon before, and now I remember why. So many people let their dogs off leash there, and its like they have an eye for my sometimes timid scaredy-cat dog. I swear 90% of the dogs off leash had to come inspect Rocky and freak him out a little. No bueno. Put your dog on a leash. Seriously people. There was one dog that was getting up in Rocky's business, if Rocky hadn't turned his head away (such a good dog - and VERY un-like him to do this) it could've gotten ugly. Leashes people. Leashes. I have to say this, if your dog is off leash and attacks my dog in some way I can not be held accountable for what I might do to defend him. I didn't have to defend him Monday, but I would if I needed to. Put your dog on a leash, or take the dog to an off leash location, not somewhere that leashes are required, like Runyon. Sorry about the rant, but it upsets me that people don't seem to care.

Tired dog.

January 2, 2012, beautiful LA day - 70 something degrees. Can't beat that.

We followed up our Runyon adventure with lunch, and I figured Rocky would be passed out the rest of the day, giving me a good chance to clean. Wrong. Crazy pants had SO much energy. What? I've taken him for way shorter hikes and he's passed out for the rest of the day. Monday he was hyper and just wanted to play. So, of course, I forced him to snuggle a bit. Ha, I win.

If he could speak he'd say "leave.me.alone."

Monday night I was with my parents, again (I got in a lot of parent time this weekend). I went with them to a New Year's party at the house of a guy who designs lots of Rose Parade floats. He had a gigantic bird on his shoulder most of the evening. There was a moment when I thought the bird was going to try to eat my face. Seriously. Crazy big beak and it didn't seem happy at all. I was happy when the bird went in its cage and we left, safely away from the giant beaked creature. Very pretty, but a little scary at the same time.

That's a big, real life angry bird.

All in all a really good long weekend.

Tuesday I woke up with some twitchy/sore calves. That Runyon walk might not have been the best idea. Tuesday night was swimming night. I got to the pool and was a little nervous. A couple of less than stellar swims has left me feeling less than confident in the pool, usually one of my favorite activities. Once I relaxed and found a rhythm though, I was fine. I just need to not get in my own head. Calves were still achy and twitchy when I got home, so I slept in compression socks. Oh how I love them. Seriously amazing. Calves feel much better.

Today was supposed to be a bike ride this morning. The bed won this battle today and I stayed in it longer than I should have. So, I will be on the trainer tonight, watching (on DVR) the season premiere of Biggest Loser. Then strength/core/balance workout. Lots more training this week, running, biking swimming. Bring it.

Other things that I need to start thinking about - transportation to and from Desert Tri and Wildflower as well as accommodations for Desert Tri and camping situation at Wildflower. I seriously own zero camping gear, not sure how I'm going to pull this one off. If you have camping gear you're willing to lend me I'd very much appreciate it - I need everything, including a sleeping bag (I'm more of a hotel girl, and this whole camping before a race thing is freaking me out a little.) That weekend should be REALLY interesting.

Also, I'm still fundraising for LLS. You can make a 100% tax deductible donation and support me here:

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

And, for every $15 you donate you can sponsor a mile along the course and I will swim/bike/run that mile for you or a person of your choosing. Join the fun! Support me as I train for the craziest adventure of my life.

Thanks!

Recovery and Beyond

2011-12-30T09:58:00.000-08:00

Eleven days ago I crashed my bike on PCH. Read all about it here. It was not a fun day.

Anyway, in the time since the crash I have been busy recovering and trying to get back in to the swing of training. I landed pretty hard, not only on my head, but also on my left side/back, so the combination has made for what feels like a slow recovery. I got back in the pool the Wednesday after the crash, three days. It was tough. My head was not super happy. But, it felt good to move, cause sitting around was making me all stiff and crabby. The next day I did a strength/core/stretching workout at home. Most of it was really good, except the dizziness that happened with squats. But, again, felt good to move. Friday I was back in the pool - I did a TON of laps with the kick board. Boring. But, better than nothing, and I did about 75% of the prescribed workout. (It was supposed to be timed - I did not time it, doesn't seem fair to make me time something when I'm getting over an injury and EXTRA slow.) After that I picked up my bike from getting repaired and did a trainer ride. This went exceptionally well.

So, on Saturday it was off to Griffith Park to run with the team. This was good and weird at the same time. I ran a 2:1 interval (run for 2 minutes, walk for 1 - way smaller than my normal interval, but necessary for recovery, even if it sucked). I cried, sorta quietly, to myself, for the first 1.5-2 miles. I have no idea why. Not sure where the water works were coming from. Seriously, I almost never cry. Concussion day and the week following - more tears than I have shed in ages. No joke, I'm a weirdo, non-crying freak. Deal with it. But, I made it through the run - even though it was really slow and oddly tear-filled - in one piece, with no dizziness and no head pain.

The next day the coach wanted me to get back on my bike, on the road. WHAT?! I was super nervous, and secretly praying for a freak rain storm that would prevent me from getting back out there. I woke up Christmas morning to a perfect, sunny Southern California day. Damn. That ride was going to happen. I laid in bed for a long time.... maybe I could just not do it. I knew I needed to, but I was nervous. So, I considered my options (not doing it was not one of them) - ride in my parents neighborhood, where there would be people close by, head out to Santa Monica or head to Griffith Park. I opted for Griffith Park, closer to my parents than Santa Monica, and fewer stop signs and hopefully less cars. I drove up the route I would take, scanning the road for dangers (potholes, loose gravel, etc). I figured I couldn't be too careful for my first ride back.

I parked, slowly got myself together and got on the bike. I rode around the parking lot a couple of times and then off on to the street. I was super nervous at first. What would happen if I crashed? I just kept reminding myself, don't think like that. I had called my dad and told him where I was and how long I would be, and to expect a phone call when I was done. I kept my cell phone on me and was wearing my new Road ID. I had done everything right. I told myself to relax and just ride. After a few minutes I settled in. My pace was never blisteringly fast, but I did it. I rode 8 miles in 31 minutes and lived. No falling, no wobbling, no crashes. I was good. I thought about going out for another loop when I got back to my car, but I didn't want to push my luck, or worry my parents by waiting too long to call, and I had family Christmas stuff that night. So, elated, I packed everything up, called my dad and headed home. I seriously would've hugged someone when I finished if there had been anyone around - but alas, I was alone. Whatever, it was a huge success for me. Yay!

Monday is always a rest day. Then Tuesday I had my bike fitting in Santa Monica. I headed out to Helen's and got a fitting by Nate Loyal. He was super nice and got me fitted properly to my bike. When we were done he said, "Now this looks like your bike." And, truthfully, now it feels like my bike. He didn't seem to make any HUGE changes, but all the little things seemed to make it feel better. (I bought this bike used, and thus far, it has been a great purchase.)

I had brought my run and swim gear with me, knowing there was a possibility the traffic heading back to the valley would be a nightmare after the fitting. And, I was right - on google maps it was RED the whole way home. So, I decided it would be a good night for a swim. I headed to Culver City Municipal Plunge to get it done. This swim sucked. It was hard and hurt and I couldn't find a rhythm the whole time. I was told to do 75% of the workout. I did the entire beginner workout - which is 75% of the intermediate workout - which is where I was pre-crash. My body was not happy. Neither was my head at the end, I wasn't dizzy, I just felt off. Urg. Irritated after a crappy swim I headed home.

Wednesday called for a bike ride. I got to work early on Wednesday - 715am, hoping to be out with some light left in the day for a ride on the road. Fail. I wound up at work until 6pm. Totally dark already. So, on to the bike trainer I went. It was sweat-tastic. But, it went well, I kept a nice high cadence and got it done (while watching Chopped - my new favorite show, thank you Sheree for introducing me to it). I actually made one error during this ride. I decided dinner could cook while I was on the trainer. I put chicken in the oven before I got on. Well, my apartment is small and the kitchen is right next to the room I keep the trainer in - so it was a million degrees. Whoops. I still did it. The whole thing. It was really sweaty, but good.

Thursday called for a run. I've been feeling better and better everyday. So, I was excited to run. I went in to work early again on Thursday - 730am - and decided I would run after work. Even if its dark, I wear a headlamp and reflective gear, so no big deal running in the dark. I got home around 6 and decided I would run at the park, there is a half mile loop, on a dirt track, that is usually fairly well lit at night (from what I remembered but I haven't run there since the summer), and if I felt funny at all I could stop and wouldn't be too far from my car - when I run from my house I do an out and back and could end up 3-4 miles away from home, not good if I start to feel bad, and coming off a concussion it didn't seem like the wisest move. So, I headed over. I got there, and it was fairly dark, not all the park lights were on. But, I figured there were a lot of people around and it was light enough to see the ground.

There were some creepers in the park, but like I said, lots of other people too, so I went about my business. After I got through 2 miles (at a 3 min run: 1 min walk interval - slowly increasing to where I was before) the groups playing soccer started packing up. Two more loops and they were almost all gone. Suddenly the park felt super empty. Me and the weird creepers. Hmmm. This didn't feel safe. I mean I had my phone and Road ID on me, but that wasn't going to help if I got kidnapped or murdered (seriously, these are the thoughts that went through my head, thank you journalist parents for those thoughts, yes, its your fault). I decided to call it at three miles, better safe than sorry.

When I left for this run, I had no desire to go out and do it. But, it was a glorious night, weather wise - maybe 65 degrees, no wind. I mean, how could I not go? And, not wanting to go felt like the exact reason I needed to. I'm glad I got it done. I felt better in the end. I did a strength/core workout at home and then off to bed, where I got a small stabbing pain in my low back/side from where I fell, which has been happening less and less, but still happens. I seriously want to scream when that happens. It doesn't feel good and I feel like I should be better by now. It's been 12 days. I just want to say, "Hey, body, I'm over this crap. Get it together."

But, I am getting back in to the swing of things. I have a couple of workouts this weekend, including a bike ride. I'm really excited about all of it and I know that I'm healing, however slow (or fast).

Some other stuff that happened this week.... I registered for two training races that the coaches strongly recommend. The first is International distance. The second one, Wildflower, made me feel like I was going to throw up when I registered. It took me approximately 10 minutes to hit confirm, I just stared at the page for a while, having a mini freak out about the whole thing. Notice it says Long Course. That means 70.3. It suddenly all feels a lot more real now (not that it wasn't before, but this makes it feel more real for some reason).

First triathlon I've ever registered for.

Biggest thing I've ever registered for... scary!

All in all its been a great two weeks, even with the stupid accident and recovery. And, my friends and family are amazing and made a TON of donations over the past week and I won a fundraising contest. I am incredibly blessed and humbled by this. Seriously. Amazing. And, now I'm just over $100 away from hitting my first $1000 in fundraising for the IronTEAM for LLS. If you want to help me hit that first thousand please click the link and hit donate now. Every dollar helps. Seriously, a bunch of people donated what they could this week, and for many it was just $5, and those $5 donations meant just as much to me as the $100, because it means you support me and this cause. Without the support of my friends and family none of this would be possible. So, to each and every one of you I say thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Donate here:

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Also, for every $15 donated you get to sponsor a mile of the 140.6 and I will swim/bike/run in your name or in honor or memory of a person of your choosing, just donate and pick a mile (or miles).

I hope you all have a safe and happy New Year.

Thanks!

Wipe Out

2011-12-20T12:17:00.000-08:00

My adventures in biking continue... This past Sunday I had a little bit of a bike accident while training... Here's what happened.

There are things that are inevitably going to happen when training for an Ironman. One of those things is falling on the bike. I happen to be an extra clumsy person, and fall, trip and walk in to things regularly. I did fall while learning to clip in and out, but have had a couple of successful rides since. I didn't imagine falling while I was actually out riding. Unfortunately that is exactly what happened.

This past Sunday I headed out to meet some of the team in Santa Monica for a group ride. I left my house and realized that I had forgotten my sunglasses, so I turned around to go get them, even though I knew this might make me a few minutes late. (This is important later.) I arrived and parked and saw my teammates leaving. I was a little distraught. I was going to have to ride two hours alone? Crap. Then one of my teammates rode up on her bike, followed shortly thereafter by my mentor. Yes! I wouldn't have to conquer my longest ride alone. We warmed up and hoped that the rest of the group would find their way back to us before heading out to PCH. Luckily we managed to meet up with them.

We headed down to PCH, which meant riding down a steep hill (okay, maybe it's not that steep, but for a new rider like me, it might as well have been Mount Everest!). I was at the back of the pack right away. I am still nervous on the bike and tend to go a little slow. I got stuck at a stop light that they all made it through, and for the rest of my trip north up PCH I was alone. Sad. I had a moment where I was questioning this whole thing. Should I really be doing a full ironman? Maybe I should only do a half? Maybe I shouldn't be doing this at all? The bad thoughts come when I'm on the bike, its my weakest sport of the three at this point and naturally, I worry.

I got about 12 miles before it was time to turn around. I didn't realize it had been 45 minutes until I saw a couple of my speedy teammates heading south on PCH. At the next light I managed to get to the other side of the street and head south. I realized that I hadn't been drinking enough water or Gatorade. I attempted to drink while I was riding. I managed to get my bottle out of the cage and drink, but then I was struggling to get it back in the cage. Grr. I pulled in to a parking lot and stopped so I could get it back in place.

While I was in the parking lot ~~admiring the view~~ drinking my Gatorade, Coach Brad went by and saw me. Caught. Okay, seriously, I wasn't stopping to admire the view - which was spectacular. It was a clear, beautiful Southern California day along the coast. Can't beat it. I actually was drinking my Gatorade because I was really behind. So, Brad pulled in and asked me what I was doing. I explained that I feeling like I was going to fall when I pulled the bottles out and wasn't able to get them back in the cages. Hence, the need to stop.

After he made me chug a bunch more Gatorade we got going again. He was giving me pointers on how to position my hands and go faster. It was going pretty well. I decided during that ride that I have to find a way to make the Wednesday morning rides work for me. While the bike trainer is helpful, I'm still so new to cycling that I know that I need to fit in actual rides on the road during the week. I'm going to make this happen after the first of the year.

I'm not 100% sure about what happened next. I don't actually remember what happened next, this is what I was told. I apparently hit a pothole in the road and couldn't correct myself out of it. And, boom, I crashed. I landed to the left, away from the parked cars and toward the moving ones. I did not get hit by any cars, thank God!

The next thing I remember I was sitting on the pavement, I think between a couple of cars and Brad was asking me questions that I'm pretty sure I was answering wrong or couldn't answer at all. I had no idea what had happened, how I had gotten to where I was, where I was at all. I think that when asked what day it was I said December. I think. Clearly December is a month not a day. But my brains were muddled. This was all very scary and confusing for me. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what, and I knew I wasn't giving the right answers, but I couldn't figure out what the right answers were. I remember being worried about weird things, like a missing water bottle, and the hole in my pants. That's normal. Or not. Again, I hit my head hard, so my brain wasn't working quite right.

I remember someone else being there as well, but I don't know who it was, and handing me a band aid for my bleeding finger and something to put on my forehead, which was also bleeding. I remember pulling out my cell phone to call my parents and not being able to articulate what had happened. I don't know how much time passed and have no recollection of the ambulance showing up, but the next thing I remember I was in the ambulance telling the paramedics my name and address. The drive to the hospital is also blurry. I remember them telling me they were going to put in an iv, but I don't remember it actually being put in. (I don't think I ever lost consciousness, I just have very blurry memories of this whole experience - actually most of the day after the accident is fairly blurry.)

I remember getting to the hospital and telling the nurse the amount of every medication I take daily, apparently I can recite that no matter how hard I hit my head. I think I was taken to one room and moved to another. But, that might be wrong. Maybe I was only in one room. I don't know how much time I passed, I remember crying a little. I remember my mom getting there, but I don't really know what we talked about. I remember crying when I was talking about what happened. Then my dad showed up. I think I cried again. Most of the tears were because I was scared. I know one of the first things my mom said to me was "You know you have to get right back on the bike, right?" I said yes (not begrudgingly, as I know that I need to get back out there, no point in being scared). She also told me that this little incident had aged her 10 years. Not at all what I was hoping to have happen on Sunday.

Fun times... hospital bracelet, IV and my face while I was still in the hospital (looks worse now)

From my tetanus shot - best band aid ever.

I remember Coach Brad showing up at the hospital and having a conversation with him about how I would bike again. I think. I don't really remember what we talked about. I just remember him being there for a minute. He brought me clothes, just in case they had cut mine off of me. I still had my wits about me enough to not allow them to cut off the expensive spandex clothing.

I remember being thirsty & they wouldn't give me water. I got a CT scan. After a tetanus shot, having my cuts cleaned up and diagnosis of a concussion I was discharged. My mom took me home. My dad went & got my car. My bike went to be fixed. Team work, all to help me!

I spent the afternoon relaxing. I actually thought I would be able to work on Monday. (I didn't, I stayed home.) I had conversations with a bunch of people, I don't remember most of them. To anyone I had a conversation with from the time I had my accident until Monday evening, I'm sorry if I didn't make sense or was rambling or more repetitive than normal. But, I did hit my head pretty hard. Please forgive my bizarre conversations, that I, truthfully, can only half remember. (I looked through my call log, and I really don't remember talking to some people... Note to self, next time you have a concussion don't talk on the phone.)

My amazing sister Alexis came over and brought me soup and magazines and hung out with me for a while. I slept very uncomfortably on Sunday night, every time I moved something hurt, my left hip, part of my back and leg feel like they are horribly bruised (but, thankfully no bruises have formed!).

how my face looked Monday.
Not cute.

I spent most of Monday being uncomfortable. My head was throbbing and my whole body aching. Sitting and laying down didn't (and still don't) feel great. It feels better to move around a little bit. I slept uncomfortably again last night. Seriously, every time I move I wake up cause something hurts. I'm hoping this passes soon. This morning I woke up with no headache. Yay! I'm hoping tomorrow to get in a swim. The doctor said Wednesday was the soonest I could work out again. Hopefully a swim will help my body not hurt as much.

So, you might be wondering, why those sunglasses were important. Well, they saved my eye from being scratched. This is what they look like now. This is why you wear sunglasses when you ride. If you notice the cuts on my face they start just above my eyebrow - these $20 Target sunglasses saved my eyes. I will be purchasing another pair this week.

Also, I have a Road ID interactive on its way to me (I ordered it last week, it just hasn't arrived yet). This is important, because if I had been alone at least I would have been able to be identified. I had nothing to identify me on my person, thank goodness someone was with me.

Things I am incredibly grateful for: that I wasn't alone, that my coach knew what to do, that my parents came to the hospital, that my bike is already fixed (it had minor damage), that I have good health insurance, that I will be able to ride again, that I didn't break anything. The list goes on and on. This could have been so much worse. No, a concussion is not ideal, but really, I didn't break anything and I will be okay. No, falling off the bike, getting a concussion and going to the hospital are not how I expected to spend my Sunday, I had big plans for the day - none of which happened. But, I'm alive and well, and that is what matters.

Yes, I will get on the bike again, sooner rather than later. Why? Because I'm training for a cause. And, shit happens. Yes, I still hurt right now, but it will pass, I will heal. And hopefully if I fall again it won't be as bad (or at least, hopefully I won't be as scared). I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous about getting back on the bike again, really nervous. But, I will do it.

And you know what? As bad as this was and as much as it hurt, its not as bad as cancer. It's not as bad as cancer treatment. Its not as bad as having a loved one with cancer. I'm just bruised. I will heal and I will ride again. I will keep training for this race and raising funds for a cure.

If you want to support me and encourage me to get back on the bike, please consider making a donation. I need your support every step of the way. And this next step will be a scary one, probably my scariest one yet. Your donations will help me get back on the bike and make it easier.

All I want for Christmas is to pass $1,000 in my fundraising efforts. That's not too much to ask is it? I mean I got a concussion... Help a girl out! Click the link and hit donate now, show me that concussion wasn't in vain (even if you can only spare $5, it helps).

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Thanks!

This Girl and That Girl

2011-12-16T11:12:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow marks my five year anniversary of sobriety. Five years. A lot can change in five years. In many I was a very different girl five years ago. I don't think that girl would recognize this girl, the girl (woman) I have become.

Five years ago I was very wrapped up in myself and my own things. Understandable for many reasons. I was a wreck, emotionally and physically. I was killing myself slowly and didn't want to see it. I was not an every day drinker. But, I did drink too much. One of the last times I drank I blacked out. That scared the hell out of me. But, still I didn't completely quit. I drank one more time after that. I figured I could have one or two drinks, no big deal. One or two turned in to 7 or 8, quickly. I drove home that night. Yes, I drove home, with two other people in my car. I thought I was okay. I got lucky. I made it home safely. I woke up the next morning and knew I had gotten incredibly lucky. By the grace of God I did not get in an accident and hurt myself, my passengers or anyone else. I always thought I was smarter than to drive drunk. I obviously wasn't. I just thought I was okay. I knew that morning I had a problem and that something had to change.

I have been sober since that day. December 17, 2006. I don't know why that incident pushed me in to sobriety, maybe for me that was my rock bottom. I thought I had seen the bottom several weeks earlier when I blacked out, but obviously not. At the time I was in weekly therapy, I had been suffering from some severe depression, and had started taking anti-depressants. I talked a lot to my therapist about my decision to quit drinking. I talked to him a lot. I talked to him about my depression, my sobriety, why I drank in the first place. I talked to him about whether or not he thought I would be able to drink again (short answer - no). I talked to him about my life choices and the things I had done. We talked a lot. Without him, I think my sobriety would have been much more difficult to maintain. (A couple of months later, after more therapy, I got an updated diagnosis, Bipolar II. The doctor had suspected for some time, but wanted to wait until I had been sober for a bit to confirm.)

I have never been to an AA meeting. I don't have a good reason for never going to one. I know AA is an amazing group and does work wonders for so many people. For me, I just never thought I needed it. (Although, looking back I realize there are many times in the previous five years where it would have been helpful.)

Back to that girl - the pre-sober me. That girl would not believe you if you told her one day she would not only run a marathon, but fundraise for a cause while doing so. That girl would not believe you if you told her that she didn't stop at one marathon, but by age 32 had run 3 full marathons and 13 half marathons. That girl would not believe that this girl had completed a mud run and a 200 mile overnight relay - with strangers. That girl would not believe that this girl had gone bungee jumping and faced down her fears. That girl would not believe that this girl loves being active and getting sweaty. That girl would not believe how much her life would change and how happy she could truly be. That girl would not believe the things that this girl is capable of. Because that girl, that lost girl, drinking to hide her feelings, her topsy turvy thoughts, her anxiety, her discomfort within her own skin, her fears, would never have thought she would have the courage to do any of those things. That girl was scared of life and hiding behind a bottle. That girl looked like she was having a great time and enjoying life, but in reality, she was lost, lonely, sad and confused.

Then, I would not believe what I have
accomplished now.

It might have appeared that I was having fun, but really I
was hiding from reality.

This girl that I have become, she is strong, brave, confident and follows her dreams. This girl is happy. This girl has big goals and big dreams, goals and dreams that I can and will achieve. This girl knows that life is short and precious and fragile, and you need to embrace it. This girl lives her life and enjoys it.

There are many thing about me that are the same now as they were before I was sober. I was and still am a fiercely loyal friend. I am still crazy independent. I am a bit of a homebody. I am still one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. I still love my family and friends and would do anything for any of them. I still work hard for what I want. I still have a stack of books on my bedside table and love taking pictures of the world around me (and still don't love having my own picture taken). I still have the same attitude and spark. I am still the same person, just changed for the better.

And this girl, me, today, is embarking on the craziest adventure yet. That girl I was before would certainly NEVER believe in a million years that I would sign up for and train for an Ironman. Seriously. That girl probably only had a vague idea of what an Ironman is. That girl definitely thought people who run marathons were bonkers, let alone training for something of the magnitude of an Ironman. Marathons alone were such an abstract thought. And now, here I am, preparing to run a marathon, after first swimming 2.4 miles and then biking 112 miles, all in one day.

Holy shit. I'm gonna do it. I'm training for Vineman, July 28, 2012. That girl wouldn't even know how to comprehend the idea of even considering training for such an event, and here I am, busy training for it.

I am incredibly thankful for my past and present. Yes, even the crazy drinking days. Without those days and those experiences I would not be the person I am today. I know that all of those things are what got me to where I am today. Some experiences are blessings in disguise, some are straight up blessings. My days of drinking were in many ways blessings in disguise, because it makes me so thankful today for where I am today and what I know I am capable of doing.

Tomorrow I will celebrate 5 years of sobriety by getting up in the morning and going to run with the IronTeam and then I will meet up with some girlfriends from high school. It will be a perfect way to honor this day and enter my next year of sobriety.

If you would like to wish me congratulations on 5 years of sobriety, you can do so by supporting me in my efforts to train for Vineman. I am fundraising, once again, with Team in Training. And, I need the support of my friends, family, loved ones, and even strangers to help me get there. Consider not buying a cup of coffee at Starbucks just one day, or giving up just one drink at happy hour. Every dollar donated will help this girl achieve her goal. I appreciate every donation, whether its $5, $5000 or somewhere in between. To everyone who has supported me through my journey (of sobriety and beyond), thank you. Every time I think about skipping a work out, I know that is what the girl I was before would do, not this girl I am now. This girl will work hard and show the world that she is capable of anything.

I hope each of you is out there embracing your life and living it to the fullest. I said it before, and I'll say it again. Life is short, precious and fragile - embrace it!

If you would like to donate please click this link and hit "DONATE NOW."

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Thank you!

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas

2011-12-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But, I'll share some weekend highlights with you... (this is very picture happy and doesn't talk a ton about the race, I'm sure you've all read enough RnR Vegas recaps for a lifetime)

I flew out to Vegas mid day Saturday, with cupcakes in hand, for Allison's birthday. Let me just tell you, if you ever want to get attention at an airport, bring a clear Tupperware container of cupcakes with you, you'll get more attention than you ever wanted.

We dropped off my stuff at the hotel, Circus Circus - which was nicer than I expected it to be. (Although 3 women in one room makes for a lot of stuff.)

Then I headed over to the expo to grab my bib. I've run a bunch of races this year, all the expos are basically the same, so I just wanted to get in, pick up my bib and leave. The swag was pretty good - I got a blinking red light and a headlamp (perfect for Ragnar!). Somewhere between the expo and hotel my favorite sunglasses went missing too! Sad.

RAGNAR READY!!!

Susie, Allison and I went to a fancy dinner Saturday night to celebrate Allison's birthday at The Steak House at Circus Circus. This joint is apparently one of the best steak houses in Vegas, and man, it was good. And, on top of that, a friend of Susie's paid for dinner. (One of my favorite things was the steer shaped butter, so silly, but I loved it.)

Birthday desserts for all!

Me, Susie and Allison

After dinner we headed over to the Cosmopolitan where we met up with our friend Joy and a friend of hers and headed in to Marquee, where we were on the list and didn't have to pay. I'm sad that I missed the blogger meet up, but there was so much going on I just couldn't swing it.

So, I was wearing these giant heels, which I knew would make my feet hurt all night & I would pay for it during the race the next day, but I wasn't looking to PR, & they looked good with my outfit. A little foot pain (or a lot) is no big deal, right? I'm lying, I wanted to cry, these shoes were not meant for wandering around in a club and being on your feet all night - at least not for me, I wear flats, sandals or running shoes 90% of the time, my poor feet couldn't take it. At least I looked good! And that's clearly what matters most, right? ;)

Me, Joy's friend, Susie, Joy and Allison

The next day we grabbed breakfast (nearly 24 hours in Vegas and breakfast was the first time I spent any money, I'd say that was pretty impressive). Then Allison and I wandered up the strip where I bought some awesome, $10, Elvis sunglasses. Viva Las Vegas! (I had been holding out hope that my sunglasses would appear, but no. Also, those Elvis sunglasses are still in my purse and I keep thinking about wearing them.)

Mid afternoon we left the hotel and headed up the strip, via the light rail, to the start line. Now you all know everything that happened during the race, the debacle of the crowds, the insanity of getting to gear check, the craziness of the corrals, the illnesses that so many people felt. The only details you need from me are that I carried my iFitness hydration belt filled with Nuun (I am not a fan of Cytomax, but I did drink the water on the course), I wore my lululemon Run Inspire capris, my Ragnar Ambassador tank, black lululemon arm sleeves (best sleeves I've ever worn, they should really make them again), a C9 Target ear warmer head band thing (found the Friday before the race for $10.99, Targe for the win!), throw away gloves (that I never threw) my visor, and my royal blue Team Sparkle skirt (running in a sparkle skirt makes everything more fun! Same for running in a tutu, makes every race more fun.). I tend to overheat when I run, so this was the perfect outfit for this cold weather for me, I was only cold waiting in the corrals and at the end. Although, based on a comment on my blog post on the water in marathons I'm starting to wonder if maybe my issue was partially a little bit of hypothermia, I don't know, maybe my body just wasn't adjusting properly. I'm not actually really even sure what the symptoms of hypothermia are, so this is just speculation. (Here's a picture of me on the way to the race, wearing my Ragnar Ambassador jacket.)

Deb (wearing a light up hat), me and Susie The back of my ambassador tank

That's a lot of people...

Can you find me? It's like Where's Waldo! You can see the
finish line was a madhouse (I am in this picture)

The only other thing I'll tell you about this race is because of the crowds I got pushed, shoved, elbowed, almost tripped, yelled at and was generally crowded the whole way. I was also sick during the race, multiple bathroom stops (which required crossing over the full marathon lane - fail) and some dry heaving toward the end. Perfect. Or not. I thought about just stopping when we went back past Circus Circus but I had my bag at gear check and obviously I'm dumb and didn't think to have someone grab it for me. Fail on my part. I finished in 2:52, not my best time and not my worst. I was just happy to be done. I grabbed water, a couple bags of pretzels and a greenish banana and headed to gear check.

After I got my bag I sat down on the floor in the gear check room and dumped out my bag and sat staring at all my stuff for a minute. I was a little confused/disoriented, but apparently aware enough to take a picture of my crap, what? (You can see my fancy blue shoes - I LOVE them, Saucony Kinvara 2.) I finally pulled myself together and texted my family to tell them I was done and alive. A friend found me, and thankfully my gear bag was toward the end of the line of bags so I was easily able to see the signs for the shuttles. We got on one and quickly got back to the hotel.

Post race exhaustion. Am I alive? Yep, just feel like crap.

sun coming up over Vegas

After a shower everyone was going to get food, and I just couldn't bear the thought of going to eat, the idea of food made me want to throw up. So, I went to bed, then got up early and caught a 7am flight home and headed straight to work (another error in judgement, I should've taken Monday off). I felt off and my stomach was upset all week. I don't know what caused me to get sick. I don't know that it was the water on the course. Maybe it was the fact that I had been a little under the weather all week. Maybe it was the dinner the night before. Maybe it was the shoes from the night before (unlikely, but maybe). Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe it was the beginning of hypothermia, it was cold, maybe I didn't wear enough layers. I don't know. It was probably a combination of things. What's done is done. I'm not blaming Competitor or RnR for getting me sick, but I do think we should all think about where the water / electrolyte along a race course comes from and how its handled. Even if the water isn't something that got people sick, we should still be aware of what we are consuming and where it comes from.

What I do know is that regardless of where the illness came from, I am done with Rock n Roll events. Actually, I had basically decided that before the event. RnR's are very pricey and they don't usually have great customer service, I never love their events. There are PLENTY of other races I would rather give my money to, races that have great customer service, aren't insanely expensive and are fun.

So, all in all, I enjoyed Vegas. I had a great time with my friends, and really, that's all that matters. I had a fun weekend and spent some quality time with women whose company I really enjoy - and George, our rockstar who showed up on Sunday to hang out with us after running his first ultra - a 50k - the day before! So, regardless of how I felt during or after the race, I am happy I went to Vegas. Next year, I'll go spectate.

If you were in Vegas I hope you had fun, regardless of the race outcome.

Water in Marathons

2011-12-09T17:10:00.001-08:00

As I'm sure you all know by now, many many people were sick during Rock n Roll Las Vegas (if you don't know what happened in Vegas check out their Facebook page.) And, a lot of those people are claiming that it was the water served at the aid stations on the race course that cause their illness. In the aftermath of RnR Las Vegas there has been much discussion about the source of the water used during the race, and the fact that RnR races utilize water from fire hydrants. I posted a blog last week about the water that is used in marathons. See original post here. (I know, I still need to post my RnR LV recap... but there have been so many already... maybe what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? I'll probably post something short this week.)

Cups and cups of water- but where did it come from?

If you're anything like me you've probably never given the water source in a race much thought. Many races have a water sponsor, even the Rock n Roll Marathon series has a water sponsor listed for some of their races, including RnR Vegas (sponsor was Arrowhead). You might assume that the water that is served along the race course is provided by the sponsor, and thus bottled. But, that might not actually be the case.

In this article in the Las Vegas Review Journal, Peter Englehart, the CEO of Competitor Group, (which owns and operates all Rock n Roll races) said, about their usage of fire hydrant water for the aid stations along the race course, "Every big event in the country does that, and even some smaller ones." Competitor says that they use water from fire hydrants in every race they put on in the US, some 23 marathon and half marathon yearly (they also put on 4 marathons/half marathons internationally). If you look at the sponsors for all of those events you'll see that a number of the "tour stops" have a water sponsor. So what is this water sponsor providing? Probably just the bottled water at the finish line.

You might be wondering, what's the big deal? Water from fire hydrants is the same water that comes out of your tap. If you didn't know that, yes, this is true. At least here in Los Angeles, many people filter the water from their taps, whether through their refrigerator, a filtering jug, or just using bottled water. But, even still, water from a fire hydrant really shouldn't cause problems, as long as it's been flushed out and the proper techniques for getting the water from the hydrant to the cups to the runners is used (proper technique = using food grade hoses and ALL people pouring water and serving water wearing gloves).

Gloves are good.

No glove, no love.

I decided to do a little digging to see if what the Competitor CEO said was true. So, first I posted a couple of tweets, to the San Francisco Marathon, LA Marathon, Marine Corps Marathon and NYC Marathon. I got responses from SFM, LA, and MCM - very quickly. After I got their responses I decided to look up the biggest races in the country and get in touch with all of them and find out their source of water.

So, based on 2010 finishers, on marathonguide.com, here is the list of biggest events in the country with their water sources next to them, starting with the largest (if I have not yet received a response the space next to the race will be left blank until I do):*

New York City
Chicago - One-gallon sealed jugs of water for all on-course fluids.

Boston - Bottled water - Poland Spring

Los Angeles - Bottled water, but uses fire hydrants if it is a hot day and more water is needed.

Marine Corps - Jugged water provided by Walmart

Honolulu
Disney World - All runDisney races use 1.5 liter bottles of Dasani - one of the race sponsors
Rock n Roll Marathon Fire hydrants**
Philadelphia - Bottled water
Twin Cities - Some stations fueled by bottled water, others by hydrants.
Portland

Houston - Filtered fire hydrant water at all aid stations (from their website)

San Francisco - Bottled water
CIM - Use businesses and home owners along the course with food quality hoses.
St George - Local bottled water company provides all water at aid stations.
Rock n Roll Arizona Fire Hydrants**
Grandma's - Water from Lake Superior from private homes and properties, using food grade hoses.
Rock n Roll Vegas Fire Hydrants**

Nike Women's - Bottled water - FIJI

Dallas White Rock - Several sources, water from hydrants among some.
Rock n Roll San Antonio Fire Hydrants**
Columbus
Cincinnati Flying Pig
Rock n Roll Seattle Fire Hydrants**
Pittsburgh
Austin
Richmond

Rock n Roll Mardi Gras Fire Hydrants**

Long Beach - Purchases all water
Big Sur - Water barrels filled with private spring water, no hydrants.

Others I contacted (or who contacted me) -

Eugene - Own hoses and use tap water from sources at homes and businesses on the course

Surf City - Bottled water - Arrowhead

Ocean Drive Marathon -Water is supplied from the US Coast Guard base with bottled water at the finish.

Cowtown Marathon - Depends on location - approx 3 locations use fire hydrants, majority from spickets on outside of businesses. A couple of water stations use bottled water. Food grade hoses are used.

St. Jude Memphis Marathon - Water is donated - Premium Refreshment Service Co, distributor of Clear Mountain Water brand. Do not use fire hydrants.
Baltimore Running Festival (Marathon, Half Marathon, Relay, Kids Run) - Bottled water from sponsor
Oakland Running Festival (Marathon, Half Marathon, Relay, 5k) - Bottled water from sponsor
Frederick Running Festival (Half Marathon, Relay, 5k) - Bottled water from sponsor
Detroit Free Press Marathon - Water in gallon jugs
Cleveland Marathon - From their website: "The water we use on the course on race weekend is from hydrants that are flushed twice before race day. The hydrants are flushed two weeks before the race and once again the day before the race or race morning. The process we use to obtain the drinking water results is the same quality that a Cleveland resident would receive from turning on their faucet. The Cleveland Water Department tests the water quality, and assures us that it is safe. We also purchase new hoses every year to ensure the highest level of quality for our participants. And, as an added safety feature, our water stop volunteers wear gloves while distributing the cups."

So, what does this all mean? Well first off, Peter Englehart, the CEO of Competitor Group, should get his facts straight. Yes, I'm calling you out Mr. Englehart, make sure you know what you're saying is correct. As you can see every major marathon in the country does not utilize fire hydrants for their water during races. In fact, so far, aside from Rock n Roll events, most do not use it, or only use it for extra.

Second, we, as runners and consumers paying good money to run these events, should all DEMAND that proper food and health safety guidelines are followed at every race we participate in. I get that this is not necessarily cost effective, but shouldn't the health of your runners - the people who give you money to put on a race, your customers, be important? If a waiter's bare hands were in your water cup you wouldn't drink that water, would you? (And I definitely saw race volunteers without gloves on passing out water and their fingers were in some of the cups, gross. This is something I've heard from many people who were also at RnR Las Vegas.) We need to stand up and say something. Enough is enough. Whatever your water source you need to make sure your volunteers are practicing proper food safety guidelines.

A lot of people got sick at RnR Las Vegas, myself included (multiple bathroom stops and some dry heaving, followed by an upset stomach all week), and there must be a link. I am not saying that the water from the fire hydrants caused it, but something did, this is not a coincidence. I am not a new runner, I have run many races. This was my first night race, and I can't prove that the water at this race is what got me sick, but I was sick. I always carry my own hydration, but I did still take the water along the course, thinking it was safe. Now I wonder if it was.

A race using water from a fire hydrants will not prevent me from running it in the future, but their health and safety practices, those I will take in to account. The only way things will change is if we, as runners and consumer, demand those changes be made.

*If you would like to see the races exact responses let me know and I'll share their emails with you - a few races gave me VERY detailed responses about how they serve the water, exactly where it comes from, training of volunteers, etc. Also, one race pointed out that RnR was wrong in their account of who uses fire hydrant water, as they do not.

**I did not email Competitor Group, as in the article referenced above they stated that they use fire hydrant water in all of their races.

What's in that cup of water?

2011-12-08T10:47:00.001-08:00

So, I have a whole post about Rock n Roll Las Vegas that I need to share. But first, before I do, I want to get some answers about something. I'm hoping those of you out there who read this can either answer this for me or can get someone who knows to answer this for me.

During road races (marathons, half marathons, 10ks, 5ks, all other distances not mentioned) how common is it to use water from fire hydrants for aid stations? I am not judging this practice, I just want to know.

MANY people are claiming that they got sick running Rock n Roll Las Vegas this past weekend, and a lot of those people are claiming it is due to the water quality.

Competitor Group says that they use hydrant water in all of their races around the country, and that most major and even some smaller races do as well.

From this article from CEO of Competitor Group:

"San Diego-based Competitor Group, which owns all the Rock 'n' Roll events around the country, said the water distribution process is not unusual. CEO Peter Englehart said that is not only standard operating procedure for his company's events around the country, but for almost all major running events. "That's the plan, and we have it in every city. We've done it in Las Vegas the past two years, and we've been assured by the water district that it's potable," Englehart said. "It's the process we've followed in 25 other cities around the country. Every big event in the country does that, and even some smaller events.""

I found on the Chevron Houston Marathon website that they "Utilize filtered hydrant water at all course water stations. (Not a race I've run, just did a quick google search of road races and hydrant water, and besides the article about Vegas this was the first thing that came up.)

From this article: "Lee Haney, a spokeswoman for the Competitor Group Inc., which organized the race, said filling lined trash cans with fire hydrant water is standard in marathon races. (Instructions for water stations at the Carmel, Calif., marathon state: “Fill one trash can with water from the hose attached to the fire hydrant or nearby building/house.”)"

The reason I ask about the hydrant water is not because I'm upset about races using it, the reason I ask is because if EVERY race does this, or even most, or even most major races, then the question of getting sick from the fire hydrants in Vegas becomes a moot point, as it is common practice. But, if RnR is exaggerating about the usage of hydrant water they should be called out on it. And, runners who pay for races have a right to know where their water comes from.

So, I know that lots of races have water sponsors (Vegas had Arrowhead water as a sponsor), but do those sponsors provide the water at the aid stations, or do most races use hydrant water as RnR claims???

Who can answer this for me?

ADDENDUM:
If a race uses hydrant water that does not mean that I will choose not to run the race, I will just make sure to carry my own water.
AND, races out there, if you are afraid to share your water source, maybe you should reconsider what that source is. Just saying.

Long Weekend Fun!

2011-11-29T14:49:00.001-08:00

This one is a little long…. But, there’s a lot to cover.

Another week of training is in the books! It was a successful week, although I didn’t hit every work out partly because of Thanksgiving. But, over the week I remembered to be thankful for all of the blessings in my life, including my ability to actually be a part of the IronTEAM and fundraise for LLS while I train.

Last week I went out to the Westside two more times, after practice out at Dockweiler on the previous Saturday and a bowling fundraiser in Culver City on that Sunday, I was starting to feel like I was spending more time on the Westside than in the Valley. I would have loved this a couple years ago, but now, not so much. On Monday I headed out to the airport to pick up a friend who had a layover and we met up with some friends for a bit.

Then on Tuesday I headed to Culver City for coached swim, normally I swim on Thursdays, but seeing as it was Thanksgiving on Thursday I needed to get to one of the other swims. I left my house at 6:45 thinking it would take me about 45 minutes to get there. Wrong. I didn’t get down there until almost 8, so much traffic. Thankfully there were two swims, so I went to the later one. That traffic made me never want to drive back to the Westside. But, then, I hit EPIC traffic on my way home, it was so much worse than the traffic on the way down. It was 9:45 pm and the 405 was not even crawling. Stop and go traffic would be generous. It took me 20 minutes to go one exit, about a half mile. Ugh. Clearly this was the universe telling me to stay in the Valley for a while. Gotcha. Loud and clear. Valley it is.

Wednesday night I headed to the pool near my house to do more swim drills. I felt good in the pool both nights. Swimming seems to come a bit easier for me than running, so I don’t mind going.

I was going to get up early on Thanksgiving and go meet a couple of friends for a hike to the Nike Missile Site, but when the alarm went off I knew all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. So, I did, as I had a long day of Thanksgiving cooking ahead of me. We had a nice small Thanksgiving dinner, just my parents, younger sister, my new roommate and I. I successfully made a bunch of things (I usually do most, if not all the Thanksgiving cooking), including vegan chickpea stew for my mom and sister (I modified the recipe as I went and was a little nervous that I had messed it up, but it turned out well). We had a lot of other food too, including my extra special, famous around these parts, homemade cranberry sauce. Seriously, it’s kind of awesome (too bad I forgot to take a picture of it). I also made an apple and pumpkin pie, including crust from scratch.

Chickpea stew, looks gross, apparently it was tasty.

Friday I was scheduled to swim again, but instead I headed to Disneyland with Allison to celebrate her 30^th birthday, which was Saturday. Before we left I realized I couldn’t find my debit card anywhere. This was mildly concerning, but I checked my bank account balance and it was what it should be, so I didn’t worry too much.

We had a really good time, despite what seemed like a million strollers, and some crowds, we still got on everything we wanted to ride and two of our friends met up with us part way through the day. I will say, there are WAY too many strollers at Disneyland. I know that it is a kid place, but seriously, strollers 3-5 rows deep at every ride is a lot, I get it, but still. And, we definitely all got tagged by a stroller at least once.

Also, a kid sitting behind me on Indiana Jones pulled my hair 3 times. Seriously? Not cool. I almost turned around and said something, but I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. I will say that people need to teach their kids better manners. It was rude and my hair wasn’t hanging in to their row, it was pulled into a ponytail and definitely not in their way. Rude. Regardless of that stuff, it was a fun filled day, with churros, and pretzels and trying on silly hats (which I have pictures of, but I’m pretty sure Allison would kill me if I shared) and there were two viewings of Captain EO, cause sometimes you just need a little (or a lot) of MJ in your life. (Actually the two viewing happened because Allison and I had already seen it and then the cousin of our friend who met us had never even heard of Captain EO - she is only 20 and from West Virginia, so we - maybe me - decided she needed to experience the wonderful cheesiness of Captain EO.)

80's 3D + Michael Jackson = Captain EO Awesomeness

Saturday started with an early wakeup call (and still missing debit card) and I headed to IronTEAM practice at Griffith Park. This was our second bike ride and I was a little nervous, I mean I didn’t even make it out of the parking lot the previous bike ride. But, after practicing how to clip in and out again (somehow this time it made more sense, maybe cause I had practiced the previous weekend), and riding around the parking lot a couple of times, I made it out on to the street! And, I didn’t fall once! I almost fell at a stop sign, but there was a fence and I caught myself and I almost fell when I returned to the parking lot, but again caught myself and prevented a fall. Yay! I only rode 12 miles, but it felt like a HUGE success, there were plenty of stop signs, turns and stop lights that I learned how to deal with successfully, so all in all a good ride. I do have to say riding a bike clipped in is a weird thing. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, but it feels so weird to be attached to the bike. No new bruises or scrapes, always a good thing.

Saturday evening we had Sushi Thanksgiving at our house. We had more people at this Thanksgiving than at actual Thanksgiving. It was a fun evening, filled with family, friends and lots of sushi – which we made at home, and I made another, better pumpkin pie and a vegan apple crisp, which both turned out delicious.

Sunday, my debit card was still MIA, but bank account balance was normal, so I was still not worried. I had two work outs to get through, first a 75 minute run which I did on my own. It was a little slow, 6.5 miles, but I got it done. Then I had another round of swimming drills to get done. After swimming I went out to meet up with Allison and a couple other friends for her birthday. It was a long, fun filled weekend. And, then, I woke up on Monday morning with a cold, and still no debit card. Boo on both fronts. RnR Vegas half is this weekend and I do NOT want to be sick. I’ve been sick in Vegas before and it is MISERABLE. I’m not saying the double workout did it, but…. Maybe…. Or it could have been all the germy kids at Disneyland. Blech.

The tale of the lost debit card ended on Monday night. I was cleaning up my room and a pile of scarves (yes, I live in LA and own lots of scarves, completely unnecessary and I don’t care), and the card reappeared. I think it just wanted to take a vacation for a few days, too bad I know the number by memory and made a couple of online purchases anyway, take that card! Thankfully I didn’t have to cancel it and get a new one, which I was going to do today. And, I NEED to remember to put it back in its slot in my wallet, I have a VERY bad habit of NOT doing that.

I’m supposed to run tonight, but my body is saying no. I was feeling okay this morning but I’m now feeling a little worse (headache, scratchy throat, super stuffy and a little fever) and think rest might be in order. Tomorrow I’m hoping to feel back to my normal self again.

While I am sick, and slightly irritated about it, I am incredibly thankful for all of the blessings in my life. Thanksgiving just reminds me that my life is good. While I am sometimes stressed, or have only a little money, or am frustrated with things, my life, overall, is pretty darn good. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends, who I would do anything for and I think would do the same for me. I have a sweet little dog that I love to pieces and who loves me unconditionally. I have good health and good times to make the hours tick by. I have a job I enjoy and passions that keep me going. For all of these things I am so incredibly grateful. And for all of these reasons I will continue to fight for a cure. There are a lot of people out there who are struggling in one way or another and I know that my fundraising with LLS will help lead to better treatments for, and eventually a cure for blood cancer. This is how I show my thankfulness and appreciation for life, by doing what I can to help others.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend and took the time to appreciate all the good things in your life.

If you would like to support my efforts in training for, and eventually completing Vineman (an ironman distance triathlon) please click this link:

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Click on DONATE NOW and help me reach my goal. Even just a couple of dollars helps. Thank you for your support every step of the way, without you I would not be able to train, I wouldn’t have even been able to begin training. Each of you make this crazy adventure possible for me. Your support means more to me than words can say. So, thank you.

Thanks!

Iron Firsts

2011-11-21T16:07:00.001-08:00

I meant to post this a couple days ago... Whoops!

In the last two weeks I have had a number of firsts with the IronTEAM. I went to my first IronTEAM practice, a run (easy peasy, I love running!). I went to my first coached swim (not bad, it was nice to swim again, and I remembered a lot from when I was a kid and had a swim coach). And, I went to my first bike ride with the IronTEAM (not quite so easy).

The first couple of weeks have been good and I’m so excited I joined the team. The running is definitely the part of the training I am the least concerned with. I love running and with multiple marathons and more than a dozen half marathons under my belt, I feel like this is the strongest of the three sports right out of the gate. I may not be fast, and it isn't always easy, but I can run long (and enjoy it).

I was nervous attending my first swim practice. I was a swimmer as a kid. I loved being in the pool. In fact, as a kid, for a while, I had a swim coach. From her I learned swimming drills and proper swim technique. While it has been a long while since I have done any of that stuff on a regular basis, once I got back in the pool I felt comfortable. I started in the beginners lane and the coaches quickly moved me to the intermediate lane (I underestimated my abilities, a recurring theme in my athletic endeavors). Even though swimming drills are awkward there is a purpose to them and I felt comfortable in the water. In fact, I felt as comfortable in the pool as I do when I run. Actually, swimming comes a bit easier to me than running. I was actually disappointed when I wound up at work late on Friday night and didn’t get my swim workout in that day. So, that’s a good sign. I almost never feel disappointed about missing a run. While I love running, it does not always come easy for me. Swimming feels more natural off the bat.

Now, on to the cycling. I was the most nervous about my first bike ride with the team. I know how to ride a bike, so that isn’t the problem. But, a road bike is a little different than a regular bike. The seat is up higher, and I don’t have platform pedals on it. I have pedals you have to clip in to. I have been practicing clipping in with the bike stationary, so I understand how the clipping works. But, when you are on the bike and moving around, well that’s a little tougher. Combining my first time on a road bike with the first time I was clipping in made me nervous.

just a few of the MANY bikes waiting to be ridden...

But, I still went to practice and I went to conquer my fear. I had a good feeling I was going to fall. A lot of people have told me that they fell their first time clipping in. But, they also told me that it doesn’t really hurt, cause you aren’t really moving very fast, and might not really be moving at all. So, at practice on Saturday, after pretty much everyone was out on the bike ride, I learned how to clip in. (I wasn’t the only one, there was one other girl from the IronTEAM there learning as well, so I didn’t feel completely alone and behind everyone else.)

Coach Erin told me how to get started on the bike, and get moving. I got myself going and got clipped in fairly easily. She was with me and explaining to me how to stop. I wasn’t really fully understanding what she was telling me to do. And…. I was almost stopped and I tipped over. Yep, I fell on my first try clipping out. It was like it was happening in slow motion. It didn’t really hurt, it was just awkward cause one foot was still clipped in. I managed to scrape my knee in the process. Awesome. (See photos below of gross skinned knee, matching scrape on opposite calf and really ugly bruise above my right knee a couple days later... that's hot, right?)

But, I got back up and started to try again. I immediately tipped over the other way. I wasn’t even moving at this point. My clumsy self just managed to fall over, again with the bike on me. Perfect start. After fall number two Coach Erin decided I should practice the clipping out with the bike on a stationary bike trainer. After a couple of tries on the trainer I finally understood what I was supposed to do. So, off the trainer I went and back around the parking lot to practice starting and stopping.

I got about half way across the parking lot and started to clip out. And…. SUCCESS! I did it. I stopped without falling and having the bike on top of me. YAY! So freaking exciting. Then, I continued to ride around the parking lot in circles practicing starting and stopping. I managed to not fall another time. Woo hoo for little victories! I was beyond excited. I never did make it out of the parking lot on Saturday, but now I am a bit more confident for my next ride with the team. I’m sure there will be more falls throughout the season (I am incredibly clumsy, so it’s bound to happen). But, now that I know that it doesn’t really hurt I’m good with it (although I suppose if I fell while moving fast that might hurt.... Hmmm.... Let's not think about that).

It’s funny I wasn’t even embarrassed when I fell over. It was kind of funny. The second time was actually funnier, since I wasn’t even really on the bike. Plus, there was almost no one around when it happened, as they were all already out on the ride. Now I have a skinned knee and a couple of nasty bruises, but its all for a good cause. This week hopefully I get out of the parking lot on the ride. (While falling didn’t hurt at the time, these bruises do NOT feel good a few days later. But, they will heal, and I am thankful that I can swim, bike and run. I am thankful for my health and that of my family and friends.)

You might wonder why I am putting myself through all of this. Well, the answer is simple. I am doing this to help find a cure. And, to get there I need your support. This week is Thanksgiving and I am so thankful to my friends and family who have supported me through all my crazy endurance adventures. Without each of you I would be so much further behind where I am right now. And, with your support I will cross that finish line in 8.5 months with a smile on my face (and hopefully not too much worse for the wear!). Your donations will get me through the long training months to come and will help encourage me to get back up every time I fall. Please consider making a 100% tax deductible donation to LLS and support me as I push myself through these coming months of training.

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Thank you for your support through this crazy adventure! What are you thankful for?

And, since I gave you those ugly pictures, here's a couple of cute ones of the dog...

Watch Me

2011-11-09T21:16:00.000-08:00

I have been considering entering the world of triathlons for about a year and a half. I started seriously considering it right around the time that I ran my first marathon, LA in 2010. I have thought about all of the expenses involved, the time commitment, how much I really want it. I have thought about lots of different events, from sprint distance up to full iron. I have thought about training and racing and what it will take to complete such a thing.

The biggest issue for me in entering the triathlon world has been expense. Triathlons aren’t cheap, from swim gear (up to and including a wetsuit), to a bike (and all the necessary pieces), to run gear (although, I’ve already got PLENTY of that). It isn’t a cheap venture. I haven’t had the financial means to even consider a triathlon.

But, now, things have changed, a little bit. I saved a little bit of money and purchased a used road bike a couple of months ago. A used bike feels like the right place for me to start, with concerns over the cost, I didn’t want to sink myself financially into a sport I am not sure I am going to love. But, I still wanted to give it a go. It felt like the right time. So with a used bike purchased I was ready to think about it more seriously.

I debated which event I wanted to dive in with. I knew that I would stick with Team in Training and pick an event they were training for. The choices were the Super Seal Triathlon (Olympic distance in San Diego), Lavaman (Olympic Distance in Hawaii), Hawaii 70.3 (half ironman, also in Hawaii), Vineman (Full Iron Distance, 140.6 in Sonoma County, CA), and Ironman Canada (140.6 in Penticton, Canada).

I thought about the Olympic Distance events and the training and preparation they would entail. I am not one to start small though; I never even ran a 5k before I signed up for the LA Marathon with Team in Training 2 years ago. I quickly crossed those off my list. Go big or go home is where my mind was (and still is).

I knew I wasn’t going to do Ironman Canada, with a hefty registration fee and the location (I know my family would probably not make the trip up there and if I’m going to do a 140.6 I want them to be there cheering me on), I crossed that off my list. That left me with Hawaii 70.3 and Vineman 140.6. I seriously considered Hawaii 70.3. A friend who has done 2 full ironman events and a few 70.3’s recommended that one of all the choices. He has done that course and thought it was a good starting point. Plus, another friend of mine who has done a full ironman suggested starting with the half, as the time commitment for the full can be overwhelming.

Over the summer a few things happened that made me realize now is the time to do this, no point in waiting any longer. Life is short and precious and there is no point in being scared to do something. I need to go for it. Now. I had made my choice, Hawaii 70.3 would be my first triathlon.

After staying up all night with a friend talking (I NEVER stay up all night), I went to an info session for the Ironteam. While I was there I talked to a couple of participants who had just finished up Vineman 140.6, as well as a couple of people who had completed the 70.3 at Vineman. I also talked to the coaches, asking if it was crazy to sign up for a 70.3 when I had never completed a triathlon. Everyone had me convinced that this was something I could do. They actually had me convinced I could do the 140.6. But, I knew I was exhausted and I couldn’t make a final decision in that state of mind, some thinking would have to be done, besides, I couldn't sign up for the team for a few weeks anyway. This gave me the time to make a good decision.

One of the Ironteam members forwarded me to links to two race reports from Vineman. I poured over them. I was fascinated. I was convinced. This was the event I wanted to do. I made myself stop and think about it for a bit. I didn’t want to sign up too hastily. I talked to my family about it. My mom agreed that Vineman was the way to go. This was also the only event that I would be able to get my whole family out there to cheer for me. I still wavered in signing up for a bit, thinking Hawaii was maybe the way to go. Was this really something I was ready to commit to? A full ironman is a serious thing. After some serious reflection and consideration about the time and expense I knew what I wanted to do. Vineman.

With the decision made I signed up for the Ironteam. So, what does this mean? It means my life will become engrossed by triathlon training. It means most of the conversations I have will start to be about training for this event, I won’t be able to help it, it will be on my mind all the time. I will train for the next nine months, swimming, biking and running to prepare for July 28, 2012, when I will swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles and then run 26.2 miles.

I am doing this. To everyone who has been and continues to be supportive of me and my running and beyond, thank you. Your support is what gets me through every step, good and bad. Without you this would be next to impossible. You are all my inspiration.

For those of you who don’t believe I will finish, or think I will stop training part way through, or think I’m crazy for doing this, for anyone who says “You can’t do this,” I have this to say to you, “Watch me.” I can and will do this.

Over the next nine months I will share my journey here, from my first practice to race day. This is a journey of finding my courage, taking a leap of faith and working hard. It is sure to be an interesting time in my life and interesting story, I hope you'll join me for this crazy ride. Tips and support are welcome every step of the way. I will need friends and family who will support me from now until I cross the finish line, and I am counting on you. If you would like to support my fundraising efforts please make a donation via this link, every dollar helps (your support will get me through the coming months AND race day):

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/VineFIrn13/ewallersco

Thank you!

Rock n Roll LA Half Marathon

2011-11-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

After Long Beach half a couple of weeks ago (you can read about that disaster here) I wasn’t super excited about RnR LA. I am irritated with how I’ve been doing at the half marathon distance and I really wasn’t feeling it. I knew I would run it no matter what, because I had paid for it. But, I wasn’t excited about it. I chose to set no race goals other than to finish.

Race week I did almost nothing right. I didn’t pay attention to what I was eating, I didn’t run once, actually I didn’t even work out once (been adjusting to a new job and trying to find time), I didn’t hydrate. I just figured since I didn’t really care what happened on race day I wasn’t going to worry about it all week. The only thing I did do right was get a lot of sleep. So, yay for sleep and being well rested. (By the way, just getting enough sleep is not the best way to prepare for a race.)

I spent a large part of Saturday out refrigerator shopping. A frustrating experience to say the least. By early afternoon I was over the fridge excursion and headed to the expo. My parents were with me, helping me try to find a fridge, and headed downtown with me. They had never been to a race expo before (seeing as they don’t run it’s not surprising), I thought they might find it interesting.

Gender specific race shirts, woo hoo!

The expo was super empty, which made it nice for my parents first expo experience. I was pleasantly surprised to find that RnR is finally doing gender specific t-shirts and it looks like it will fit well, thank you RnR! So, yay for a good race shirt! I stopped by the iFitness booth and finally got to meet Lauren, one of my twitter pals. I’m a bad blogger and we didn’t take a picture. Of note, my parents didn’t think it was odd that I needed to stop to meet someone I had only ever conversed with online. They are very tech savvy (they both tweet and have facebooks – they both have more twitter followers and facebook friends than me).

I then headed home and had a late lunch/early dinner. I actually got in bed close to when I had hoped to, but that alarm still felt painfully early. I was out of my house by 5:35 am (only five minutes later than I planned). I ate my oatmeal in the car (my new pre-run breakfast = plain instant oatmeal, a packet of almond butter and a packet of chocolate hazelnut butter mixed in with sliced strawberries on top – yum!).

empty corrals, just about 15-20 mins before race start

more people, but still not super full for a Rock n Roll race

Even though the start wasn’t until 7:30 I was worried the traffic could be terrible, which is why I left so early. But, I got downtown and was parked by 6:00am. I realized when I got down there that I had forgotten my Sony Walkman headset. Damn! No music. I'm used to running without music most of the time, but in some races I like having it. I set the alarm on my phone (in case I dozed off) and sat in my car listening to the radio. I was very careful not to lock my stuff and keys in the car this time. At about 6:45 I wandered over to the start area, ran in to a number of my friends. I was in corral 6 – for 2:15 to 2:30 (this might seem ambitious all things considered, but I registered when I thought that was where I would need to be), the corral was so empty. The whole start area felt very empty in fact. I looked around at all the people in costume, and there were plenty – a guy dressed as Slash, a large number of Elvis costumes, a couple in lederhosen, tutus, funny hair, an alien and spaceship, and SO many more (again, I’m a bad blogger and didn’t take pictures of them).

Shortly after the start time we took off. I had decided that maybe part of my issue with PR’ing might be that I’m too focused on my time. So, even though the last thing I expected out of this race was a PR, I set my interval on my Garmin and switched the screen to be only on the interval timer (I forgot that this sometimes creates issues for me as well – more on that later). Even though the start felt very empty the course felt very crowded through many places.

As we were running toward the coliseum I saw the pace car approaching on the other side of the street and the elite athletes right behind. Because of the nature of this course (two out and backs) you could see people running in front of and behind you. As the elites started approaching everyone who was running and watching them approach started clapping and cheering for them. Watching them pass was pretty cool. They are so fast and it looks so effortless. It actually encouraged me to push a little harder in that moment. I saw a number of my friends in the first out and back, which was cool.

I was very consciously trying not to look at the time clocks on the mile markers, so as not to get myself in a weird place if I thought I was behind where I should be. Around mile 4.5 my friend Joy came up behind me and asked how I was feeling/doing. I told her I was trying not to look at my time, and just go with how I feel. She said I was doing pretty well, I told her I didn’t want to know my time, she thankfully didn’t tell me.

As I made my way back past the finish line on the second out and back I saw what looked like the first non-elites finishing (meaning the winners had already crossed the finish line and I wasn’t even half way yet – yes, I’m slow). It was a steady uphill away from the finish line. I saw my friends Beth and Brandon, who live along the race course and stopped for a moment to say hi. They said I looked strong (not sure I actually did, but in the moment it was nice to hear).

Because I wasn’t looking at my overall time I also had no idea what my pace was. I was just running by feel. And, mostly I felt good. I was taking water at every aid station and drinking my water with nuun on my walk breaks. Since I hadn’t hydrated during the week I wore a water belt and brought extra nuun tablets with me (the electrolyte beverage on course was Cytomax, which I do not like). It was starting to get warm, but I was still feeling okay. I was sticking with my intervals, not looking at my watch and doing pretty good at not looking at the times on the mile markers.

the view from mile 10 back toward downtown - where the
finish line was

I approached the aqueduct at about mile 9 and it looked enormous (I tried taking pictures and you just can't tell what is going on in them, but I promise, it was big). I made the decision I would walk up and then pick back up with my intervals. It was at about mile 9 and I knew there was another uphill after this one heading back to the finish line. Plus, I was getting really warm. I got to the top and picked back up again.

Then as I was coming back toward downtown I glanced at the clock and saw the time at the 10 mile marker. It was at around 2:08. I had crossed the start line a few minutes after the clock started, so I suddenly knew that if I pushed hard I would finish in the 2:30-2:40 range. I should not have looked at that clock, I then proceeded to pysch myself out.

What the hell is wrong with me? I totally had the energy to push hard and finally break through that 2:4x wall. My PR is 2:33, and while this probably wouldn’t have been a PR, I could have easily done 2:35ish. I started over analyzing everything. I started taking longer walk breaks. I was bargaining with myself (if I can run to that stoplight up there I can walk for a minute, etc). I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. The last bit is completely downhill and I walked part of it! WHAT?!?! Downhill = run! Seriously, what is wrong with me? I wasn’t crazy tired I just somehow felt the need to walk – a lot. Fail.

pretty good medal

I finally crossed the finish line and hit the stop button on my watch knowing I was in the 2:40’s again. Cause at that point I looked at the times on every mile marker and knew I had slowed significantly. Final official finishing time: 2:43:08. So, not a 2:45, which is where I’ve been, but even with my lack of preparation I should have finished in 2:3X, I had it in me, I wasn’t sore at all after, or the day after, or the day after that.

crazy Chanel trying to eat my medal

Official breakdown of times:

3 miles: 32:51

10k: 1:12:01

10 miles: 2:02:23

Finish: 2:43:08 <-- that means it took me 41 minutes to cover 3 miles, with two big downhills in there. FAIL.

So, what does this all boil down to? I need to get out of my own way. The bargaining I did with myself between 10 and 13 was ridiculous. I know I am faster than this. I have it in me. I just need to let it out.

I have one final chance this year to PR at the half distance – Vegas. (I wanted to run Operation Jack on 12/26, but I have to work that day and can’t.) Truthfully, I’m torn about what to do at this point. Do I push hard for a PR at Vegas? Or, do I just train the way I have been and see what happens, and not be disappointed? I think I need to push myself, cause I’m gonna be super pissed if I get 2:4X again. I can’t handle it. I don’t even care if I PR at this point, I need to get out of the 2:40s and back in the 2:30s.

I am VERY frustrated with myself right now. I know that I should be happy with finishing, and after the week leading up to RnR LA, I AM happy that I finished, that was my goal, but I know I can do better, as obvious by the mile times listed above. So, I feel like being frustrated is acceptable. I’m not super annoyed, I did start a new job the day after Long Beach and have been adjusting to that, so my training has been suffering. I really did not expect to PR or do well at all in LA, so the fact that I ran it faster than Long Beach (even by just a couple of minutes) is pleasantly surprising.

My biggest problem at this point is myself. Hmmm….. Time to get out of my own way.

Now, I have something big to tell you (I actually have two big things, but this is the first and biggest, since the journey started this weekend with kickoff)…. It’s what I’m doing next year…. Click the link to find out more (I know it’s a fundraising link, but read the page and you’ll see what my insanity has led me to now, and if you feel so compelled, please make a donation and help me out.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/VineFIrn13/ewallersco

Thanks!