Something I'm listening To

My last February pictures...

I am fascinated by the Amish.  Everytime there is a documentary or tv program about the Amish on, I record it.  Fascinated.  Tonight I was listening to a documentary on the Amish, the American Experience. Riveting.  (Well, it was to me.)  Two pictures of my TV playing this documentary...

Side Effects and Awareness

My medication has lots of side effects.  Most of them aren't too bad, a couple are pretty heinous (especially when it comes to training for an ironman).  But, once I get past the first couple of weeks the side effects start to wind down, which is good.  It's been a little more than three weeks since I restarted the lithium and welbutrin, and just over two weeks since I restarted the lexapro.  And, you know what?  I feel better.  Most of the side effects have stopped.  I lost my appetite for about two weeks and had a terrible case of dry mouth.  Both of those seem to be better.  (Although now I'm having different, more irritating problems, a crazy bad sweet tooth, worse than normal, and insane hunger pangs pretty much all the time - even when I've just eaten and don't need more food, grr.)  My sleep patterns have also returned to normal and I don't feel exhausted all day long.  This is good news.  But, the really good news?  All the anxiety is gone.  Just like that.  The swallowing of four pills a day and poof, anxiety monster has gone back in to hiding.

And, the best news of all?  Well, I still feel like me.  I don't know exactly what is different this time, but I don't feel the fog that can sometimes settle in when I restart my meds.  The thing is, usually, when I start taking all these meds, it takes longer for some of these side effects to pass.  And, I usually feel foggy and not like me at all - at least for a little while (usually for a couple of months).  It's a hard place to be.  Because off the meds I feel like a magnified version of myself.  Until I don't.  And I was headed to the place where I don't.  So, all in all, it's good.

Something that I found out just this week, February is National Bipolar Awareness Month.  Who knew?  Not me.  Its funny, cause five years ago, in February, I was diagnosed with bipolar.  Sort of fitting that its the awareness month.  In the spirit of awareness I thought I'd clear up a few things about bipolar and those who live with it (this is all from my point of view, you can take it with a grain of salt if you like and I know not everyone's experiences are the same, but I think these are some good broad strokes).

Bipolar is not a debilitating disease.  Or, at least, it doesn't have to be.  Even with bipolar a person can live a long, happy, productive life.  Some people do wind up on disability, for good cause, but not all.  Not me.

Taking medication is not as easy as you might think it is.  It's easy to say that its like taking medication for diabetes, but really, for the person taking it (or maybe just me) it is not like that at all.  Its hard taking medication(s) that changes part of who you are.  It just is.

Having bipolar does not define a person, it certainly does not define me.  It is a part of who I am, sometimes a bigger part than others, but still just a part.  I am also a daughter, sister, friend, writer, photographer, runner pretending to be a triathlete, hard worker, and so much more.

I don't mind the word crazy, and I use it often, mostly to describe myself.  I usually am doing so to make a difficult topic a little easier to handle, bring a little light to the subject.  You say you're crazy and people usually laugh.  I probably shouldn't sue the term, because it isn't accurate, at all.  And, MANY people with mental health issues find the word offensive when people use it.  Basically, you probably shouldn't use it, and neither should I.

People who have bipolar are not violent criminals.  Of course some are, but so are a lot of people without mental health issues.  You don't have to be scared of someone with bipolar.  Most of us are law-abiding citizens.

You might think someone you know has bipolar because they are moody.  Moody doesn't mean bipolar.  Don't try to diagnose people.  You can't do it, I promise.  It took my doctor 10 years to properly diagnose me, and he's trained to do this.  So, you can't diagnose someone.

Using the word bipolar to describe everything that has two sides is no good in my book.  It teaks away from what it really is and how it really affects so many of us.  So, stop, please.

There are multiple types of bipolar disorder, not just one.  Seriously.  Look it up.

Mania is not always happy and fun.  It is often times out of control, anxious, risky and angry.  Many people in mania use drugs and alcohol leading to other issues, such as dependency (my own mood shifts led me to drink more to try to mask what was going on in my head, and before I was diagnosed with bipolar I got sober).

Even on medication you can still have "episodes" of mania and depression, for me they aren't as extreme, but they still happen.

Bipolar doesn't just affect moods, it also affects physical well-being, including sleep patterns.  Many people who are manic sleep less, or not at all.  And, those suffering from depression will sleep much more.  For me, when my sleep patterns are off I know that it is the signal for an oncoming episode.  When I'm don't sleep through the night for more than two nights in a row I know I will become manic if I don't take something to break the cycle (usually Tylenol PM).  And, when I'm more tired than usual, and sleeping a lot I know that there is a bout of depression on the way - this one is harder to head off, but I usually do so with increased exercise and activity, no matter how hard it feels.

Bipolar disorder is not someone being dramatic about their mood swings.  It is much more.  The shifts in mood are extreme and can last for weeks, and for some people, months.  It is unpleasant and a hard way to live.

Just because a person is bipolar doesn't mean they are always manic or depressed.  Most of the time we live in the middle, just like everyone else.

A lot of famous people are thought to have (or had - some speculated - if they are deceased) bipolar disorder.  Including Kurt Cobain, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Patty Duke, Carrie Fisher, Ernest Hemingway, DMX, Sinead O'Connor, Virginia Woolf, Florence Nightingale, and Vincent Van Gogh, to name a few.

I hope that I brought you some awareness to the subject.  And, lastly, just be mindful of your speech and behavior.  There are far more people living with bipolar disorder than you might realize (approximately 6 million Americans are bipolar - at least I know I'm not alone!).  Be aware.

Money

I have a piggy bank that I keep all my spare change in.  I put it in at the end of the day (except quarters - I use those for laundry).  When it gets full I empty it and do something fun with it.

Something I Ate

It's that time of year when I have to avoid grocery stores, not only to avoid Girl Scouts and their delicious cookies (that I could eat by the box), but also because these lovely treats are now back on shelves....

I ate Peeps yesterday.  They were tasty.  I have no idea how many calories are in them, and, truthfully, I don't care.  I pretend they are calorie-free.  I know lots of people HATE Peeps, but I love them.  They are sugary and delicious.  Actually, I PR'd (set a personal record) of 31 minutes at a marathon when I ate Peeps as part of my nutrition.  Seriously (you can read about it here).  (For non-runners taking off 31 minutes from one marathon to the next is a LOT.)  Was it the Peeps? I'm not saying it was, but...***

Also, I have a weird thing with Peeps (besides that I like them), I only like the yellow chicks.  No others, not yellow bunnies, not purple chicks, not any other color combo.  Also, I won't eat the other holiday version of Peeps - like Valentine Peeps or Christmas Peeps.  Not having any of it.  It must be yellow chicks.

***Actually, it was probably because I was better trained, better prepared, and I ran the first one SUPER slow (nowhere to go but faster) and I sprained my ankle in the second one.  So, those are factors too.  But, I'm thinking the Peeps played a big part.  Mmmm.... sugary deliciousness..... Now to avoid them at all costs.  (Looks like I'll be doing most of my shopping at Trader Joe's, a Peep-free zone.)

Green

My swim cap. (I need a new one, this one keeps practically falling off my head.)

Inside your bathroom cabinet

This is the inside of the medicine cabinet in my bathroom.  Oddly there is no medicine in it (even though I take three medications daily).  Its mostly hair stuff (which I'm barely using at this point, washing my hair WAY more than I would like due to all the sweaty tri training).  There's also a few different sunblocks (VERY important - I don't want wrinkles!).  And some basics, like floss.  Not too exciting.

Night

Here is night in front of my building - hard to see anything.

And this is what happens inside my apartment at night.  When I'm reading or watching TV the dog curls up on the pillows on the couch and dozes...

And then we head to bed and he curls up on the bed like a dog donut.  (Yes, he sleeps on the bed, always has, always will.)

My Shoes

I had a hard time picking just one pair, so I didn't.  I actually had a hard time narrowing it down to these 7.  I have a lot of shoes, and I love them all (okay, there are a pair or two I don't love cause they hurt me, but that's neither here nor there).  So, I picked shoes out of different categories.  Starting left of my feet and going counter clockwise:

Converse, I love these and wear them a lot.  They are comfortable and casual and easy.
Loafers, these are work shoes, from Target, they are basic and simple and have a non-slip bottom and are also comfortable.  I don't love them, but I don't hate them and I wear them a lot.
Saucony Kinvara 2, my running shoes.  LOVE.  Seriously, in love with these shoes.  This is my second pair of these (same color) and they make me happy and I feel like they make me look fast.
Ann Taylor flats.  These are my fun shoes.  Sparkly flats, I don't wear them a ton, but they make me smile when I do wear them.  Also, very comfortable.  (You see a trend? I like comfortable shoes.)
Havaianas sandals.  I have a lot of sandals.  These are the ones that I wear the most.
Cannondale bike shoes.  Hm, what to say about the bike shoes? I put them in the circle cause I wear them a lot.   I like that they are so bright and white, I need to clean them.
Guess heels.  I have loads of heels.  I almost never wear any of them.  They all hurt my feet and usually make my legs hurt too.  I like the way heels make my legs look, but I don't like how they feel.
Bare feet.  This is my preferred way of being.  I'm always barefoot at home.  I like being barefoot, but I don't plan on taking up barefoot running.  Shoes are necessary in the outside world.

Hydrostatic Body Fat Test

Just about two weeks ago, I had had a hydrostatic body fat test.  (One of my teammates on the Ironteam set this up as a fundraiser.)  What is a hydrostatic body fat test?  Basically its under water weighing to measure your body composition (giving you lean body and fat tissue pounds and percentage).  This is apparently the "gold standard" in measuring body composition.  I thought it would be interesting, so I signed up.  We do one test now, and a follow up test in three months, so you can see what the difference is in your body composition from all this ironman training.

When I arrived at the truck  (this was a mobile testing facility) I changed in to my bathing suit in a small changing room.  Then Linda, the operator (owner maybe?), weighed me dry and measured me (happily, I found out that I'm a little taller than I realized).  I asked her if the water in the tank was cold, her response was, "No way, no one would do it if it was cold."  I sat on the edge of the tank put my feet in - it was bath tub warm - and got in (I'm not gonna lie, I was a little sketched out by the water, as a few people had been tested before me, and they had all just ridden 50 miles and run 2 miles - sweat city, yuck - I hadn't done that day's workout, so I was not sweaty and nasty, well, not before the test at least).  When I sat on the bottom Linda had me put a weight belt over my hips.  She told me I would have to blow all the air out of my lungs (cause air in your lungs is read as fat, yikes!) and then submerse myself and blow out any remaining air.  She would knock on the tank as soon as I could come up, just a few seconds.

tiny little changing room

So, I blew out all the air and completely submerged myself.  Linda knocked about 3 seconds later and I came back up.  She told me to get more air out and do it again.  So, I did, then about 3 seconds later and another knock.  She told me to try one more time, get out as much air as possible.  (I thought I had been getting it all out, apparently not.)  I went under a third time, then again, about 3 seconds later, another knock.  And we were done.  I got out, dried off and quickly changed.  

I'm not smart enough to have asked Linda to take a picture of me
in the tank.  Just know, I was in it. (I'll remember next time)

While I was changing Linda had printed out a four page report, with my detailed body fat numbers (lbs and percentage).  Truthfully, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It's still bad, but I thought it would be worse.  I have a LOT of room for improvement.  But, now I know how much of my body is lean vs fat and how many calories I need to eat a day (before exercise).  Shockingly, I've been eating the right amount of calories.  So, that's good news, and probably explains my recent weight loss (down 15+ lbs since Christmas).  This test was super simple and cool.  It'll be really interesting to see what changes between now and May.  I'm excited.

What were my numbers you ask?  The pounds don't matter (maybe I'll share in May when I get the second test done).  But, it worked out to 30% of me being fat. Gross.  Seriously.  Gotta correct that.  That's like a small child.  Ugh.  So much fat.  Must reduce it.  I was in the "POOR" range.  When I repeat this test in May I hope to be in the "GOOD" range.  One the positive side that means that 70% of me is lean.  Now I have a goal to work towards - lose a small child (obviously I know I won't lose all the body fat, and I don't plan to , or want to - but I do want to lose enough to not be at 30% or get a poor rating - ideally I'd like to lose enough to be at 20-22%, not sure if that's possible in three months, but any loss of that awful number will be good).

All in all, this test was worth it.  If you have the opportunity I highly recommend you get it done.

Where I Work

This is where I sit and do all my work during the day.... Not very interesting.

But, I do work for a pretty cool company, and we have lots of cool stuff around the building, including ping pong, and basketball, and foosball, and a PS3, and these...

Go drink some Red Bull!

Breakthroughs and Failures

Its no secret to anyone that has read this blog, follows me on twitter, is Facebook friends with me, or has talked to me for even 5 minutes, that my bike and I have had a rough go of things so far.  We haven't been friends, and for a while I was convinced it was trying to kill me.  Seriously.  I thought the bike might be possessed.  But, alas, I realized, it was never actually the bike's fault.  I was having some issues of my own that were preventing me from really becoming friends with my bike.  (Read this post to find out more.)  So, I'm back on all my medication and I had a bike ride on the schedule for this past Saturday.  I was nervous, but never felt the extreme anxiety that I've been feeling recently.  I prepared everything for the ride, took two tylenol PM (to ensure I wouldn't wake up at 3:30am again) and went to bed.  I woke up in the morning and felt good, calm, ready.

I ate my breakfast and headed out to Zuma Beach to meet the team for practice.  I got set up and was still feeling fairly calm.  A little nervous, but not anxious at all.  We had 56 miles on the schedule.  I was ready.  I knew there would be some climbing, which made me nervous - because if you go up you have to go down and the down scares me.  But, I was given a modified route, eliminating the climb up Temescal Canyon and John Tyler - the two biggest climbs (because of my previous groin pull, don't want to aggravate it).  I had to add in an extra Malibu Canyon loop, but I've been up that hill before (although not successfully).

Off I went.  My friend Amy offered to ride with me, to help make the ride more fun and less scary, but we lost each other pretty quick.  As I was headed south on PCH I started to realize I wasn't nervous, I was feeling good.  I passed my pothole, actually, I went straight through it, the paint marking it has worn off, but it didn't take me out this time (this is the pothole I hit that caused my concussion, and yes, I claim it as mine, I deserve to, it did try to kill me).  I was doing great.  I got to Temescal, the turnaround point, and while I was stopped at the light, I managed to tip over, and my left shoe popped off.  So ridiculous.  A couple in a Range Rover next to me were hysterically laughing, it was pretty funny, I was actually laughing too.  I got myself back together and headed north.

I got to the hill leading up to Malibu Canyon and got about a third of the way up, then I had to get off and walk my bike.  It was not a good moment.  The first time I tried climbing this hill was a few weeks ago (maybe a month?) on a 25 mile ride, and I only made it halfway before I got off.  As I was pushing my bike up the hill I saw a familiar figure.  Crap.  Coach Brad.  And, he made me get back on the bike - with his help, I couldn't get on it alone going uphill.  But, I rode the last third (also with some help).  As I was going up, I said, "I have to do this two more times? Seriously?" His answer was yes, of course.  And then I said something along the lines of, "This shit is hard."  I'm so clever, aren't I?

I got to the downhill portion and was gripping my brakes so hard my hands hurt.  Actually, I got off my bike again, and walked part of it.  Hm.  That's not good.  I got around to our SAG stop, where one of the Ironteam alumni was with Gatorade and water and stopped for a moment.  I tried eating something solid and felt like I was going to throw up (that had been happening all morning, but I thought maybe if I stopped it would be better, nope).  I collected myself, refilled a couple of bottles, and went back out on to PCH to conquer the hill again.  This time, I made a bargain with myself, I had to make it to beyond the halfway point before I could get off the bike, that's as far as I made it before, and I needed to get beyond that.  Then, I kept making new bargains, make it to that tree, that sign, that call box, I did this all the way to the top and SUCCESS!  I rode all the way up.  Then I went back to the downhill and, out of fear, I got off my bike, again.  I got back on quicker, realizing it was going to be a long day if I kept that up.  I passed the SAG stop one more time and then conquered that hill for a second time (third time up for the day), without getting off the bike.  I was amazed that I did it.

As I was headed back north I caught up with a couple of my teammates, we stopped at the top of a hill, I was feeling very nauseated.  I told them to keep going and took a couple of minutes to pull myself together.  Well, instead of pulling myself together, I threw up, twice.  There wasn't much to throw up, mostly liquid.  This would normally send me in to a small panic attack (I hate throwing up more than anything - I'm actually scared of throwing up).  But, I realized I had to get back on the bike and keep going.  I got going again and then, just as I was getting to Zuma a car pulled in front of me and Coach Brad jumped out to ask me how I was doing.  I told him about the throwing up.  He was concerned about that and me being dehydrated.  He told me to ride up to the next light and then head back in to the parking lot, I was done for the day.  I actually wanted to finish the ride, but he said no.  So, I ended my ride after 43 miles.

Then, I did a short, and VERY slow, 2.5 mile run.  I realized on the run how wiped out I was.  I was very dehydrated and hadn't realized it before.  But, on the run I thought about the day and what I could do to be more successful next time.  I have a whole new plan worked out, it involves more water/electrolytes and a different electrolyte choice.  I had forgotten how much my medication can affect my training.  Where a bottle an hour worked for me before it doesn't now, I need more.  But, now I know.

But this day had a huge success to it, I stopped being filled with anxiety on the bike - WIN!  This was a MAJOR breakthrough for me.  I think my bike and I are going to start being friends now, we actually had a couple of conversations throughout the morning and we have come to an understanding, I won't be as scared and it won't try to kill me.  I had a bunch of failures as well - being scared on the downhills (and having a death grip on the brakes), getting off the bike, not drinking enough fluids, not finishing the mileage, going super slow, etc.  But, all of that is out-weighed in a BIG way by the HUGE breakthrough I had on the bike.  I learned a lot from what went wrong on Saturday.  But, I learned even more from what went right.  I don't have to be filled with anxiety and scared of my bike.  I can enjoy riding and actually improve.  And, I will.  I'm actually thinking I might be looking forward to my next ride.  Bet you never thought I'd say that, did you?  Next step - stop being scared of the downhills and get faster.

Thank you so much to Amy, Tara, Brad, Jason and the entire Ironteam.  Your support and dedication helped me through this bike ride and helped me find some success on my bike.  I couldn't have done this without each and every one of you.  So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

A Favorite Photo of Me

I had a hard time choosing.  I picked three photos.  The first one I chose because it reminds me that I can be brave and face my fears.  Just over two years ago I went bungee jumping with some girlfriends, and I was terrified, but I did it, and it was amazing and exhilarating.  I need to remember this day when I'm scared of something, because jumping off a bridge was by far the scariest thing I've ever done.

This next one is of me and my little sister, when we were little.  I love everything about this picture.  My little sister is such a light in my life, and always has been.

And, I wanted to include a picture of myself and my older sister, Stephanie.  I picked this one because she inspired me to start running, which led me down the path I'm on now.  This is us during the San Francisco Marathon (first half) in 2010.

Handwriting

This is my handwriting on a post it.  I have little notes like this all over my apartment.  I put them up originally for my former roommate, but I never took them down, cause they make me smile.  They are all positive and life-affirming.  Nice reminders that life is good.

Time

My bedtime on Friday night... I didn't fall asleep until after 10, but I was in bed by just after 9.

Drink

Rehydrating myself after a long day of training Saturday, mostly with water, but some Gatorade as well.

Something I Hate To Do

Hate is a strong word, and I don't hate many things.  But, I do hate having to take these pills every day (and this is just the morning round - I take a second peach colored one at night).  They make things better in many ways, but they tend to complicate other things - like training for an ironman.  But, I will take them, because I need to, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  I hate the side effects they bring and the fact that I need to take them to function everyday.  It's frustrating.  It might not seem like that big of a deal - just three little pills - but trust me, the side effects are wicked and taking pills that alter your brain chemicals is not something that you should want to do.  I just wish my brain was more "normal."

Something New

I've actually had this for a few weeks.  But, I haven't used it yet.  First open water swim, next weekend.

Phone

When's the last time you saw a pay phone?

Heart

I'm not a big Valentine's Day fan.  Never have been.  It feels forced. But, I know lots of people are.  And, I bet someone, somewhere, was excited to get this heart balloon.  To that person, I hope you had a lovely Valentine's Day, and remember to tell the people you care about that you love them every single day, not just when a calendar tells you to.  And, I will say, that yesterday (Valentine's Day) I felt an incredible outpouring of love and support, and for that I am grateful.  Thank you to all my family and friends for making me feel loved.

Blue

A message in blue.  A reminder, every day, on my water bottle, that no matter what, my life is still pretty damn good.  I am so incredibly grateful and blessed to have such amazing people around me and this reminds me of that, every day.

I Have a Secret

This is long. You've been warned.  And, its not about running, or training, really at all.

I have a secret.  And, it's kind of a big one.  And, I've been keeping it to myself.  Haven't told a soul.  In fact, I've been straight up lying to people EVERYONE, afraid of what their reactions will be - for MONTHS.  But, unfortunately for me, lying and keeping this secret is no longer a possibility.  I told the first person a week ago last Saturday, a friend on the team.  That same day I told my psychiatrist (who I usually refer to as my doctor, he's the only one I see regularly).  It was time someone knew, and it was creating a problem that I needed his help to fix.  I then kept the information to myself for a week, and lied to everyone even more about what was going on, afraid of what people would say.  And then, my head went nuts in the middle of the night on Saturday night, and I knew I had to tell my mom.  I prayed she wouldn't be mad.  I've been lying to her for months.  Then I told my dad.  Neither of them was mad.  They were great actually.  They always are.  Then, I finally came clean with my coach, cause, well, it explains a lot.  And, last night I told a couple of my closest girlfriends.  And, now here I am, ready to tell any one else who cares, my stupid dirty secret.

Here's the thing, I am supposed to take three medications every day to help manage my bipolar - lithium, welbutrin and lexapro.  I pretty much hate taking medication and wish I didn't have to, it sucks, the side effects suck, its just a pain in the ass on many levels.  So, sometimes I stop taking it.  I stop taking it because I feel better.  What winds up happening is, I'll feel like I've been well for a long time and maybe I don't need the medication anymore. This is stupid because at some point, the world starts to come crumbling down around me when I do this.  And, I always swear when I go back on it that I won't go off of it again. But, then I do, because I feel better.  Its a vicious cycle.  The medication does such a good job of making me feel better that I think I'll be better without it too.  And then the other shoe drops.

I'm guessing you've figured out my secret.  Yep, I stopped taking my medication.  Months ago.  Like a lot of months ago.  And I've been doing great.  I've been feeling good, no anger, no depression, no issues, maybe sort of slightly on the edge of hypomania.  But I'm not gonna lie, the edge of hypomania, its kind of a good place to be.  I feel productive and happy and like I could do anything, but yet I'm not full blown manic.  Hypomania is kind of happy.  Its an easy place to be.  Unfortunately I can't always live in that place.  No, the ugly side tends to rear its evil head after a while.

And, well, the ugly side (one of the ugly sides) has come roaring back with a vengeance.  It's no secret that my bike and I have not been getting along all that well.  I try to love it, it tries to kill me.  Another vicious cycle.  But, I think the problem is actually not the bike.  The problem is me.  There, I said it.  Its not the bike's fault.  So, I was always a little nervous about the bike.  I was exhibiting some natural fear, clipping in, riding next to traffic.  But, the problem is, that fear started to spiral out of control.  Especially after I got the concussion.  That made matters significantly worse on the bike front.  And then I fell again a couple of weeks later.  Every time I fell it compounded my fear.  And, that fear and nervousness has turned in to full blown anxiety every time I ride.  Crazy panic attacks even thinking about being on the bike.  This is not normal, clearly.

One of my biggest issues I've dealt with over the years with bipolar is extreme anxiety.  At one point in my life the anxiety got so bad I was afraid to leave my house.  I let it control me.  I've been trying very hard not to let the anxiety control me on the bike.  Truthfully, I was trying really hard to pretend that what was happening wasn't anxiety, that it was just extreme nerves.  And, then almost two weeks ago, I realized that I couldn't keep pretending.  This was full blown anxiety and I needed my doctor's help to deal with it.

So, off I went and back on two of the three medications to start, adding the third if the anxiety didn't clear up.  I was doing really well all week.  I was tired, but my body was busy adjusting to the meds again, so I wasn't really surprised.  I had a good swim on Thursday night that seemed to sort of shake the life back in to me.  I was feeling good.  I ran on Saturday and while it wasn't the speediest run, it felt good.  I was feeling like me again.  I was nervous about the Sunday bike ride, but feeling prepared and not anxious at all.   I stayed in on Saturday night, prepped my bottles and bike, laid out my clothes and watched some tv with the dog.  I went to bed early, deciding a full night's sleep would help me in preparing for the next day's ride.  I was asleep by 10:30.  Perfect.

Then, I woke up, in the middle of a panic attack at 3:30am.  It was awful.  By far one of the worst panic attacks I've had in years, in fact I can't even remember the last time I had a panic attack that bad.  Even on my medication I occasionally get a little one, but I can work my way out of it and calm myself down.  This, was on a whole other scale.  I was crying hysterically, my breathing was erratic, my heart was beating a mile a minute.  I felt like I was going to die.  My logical brain knew I wasn't going to die, but that's not the part of my brain that was in control at that moment.  My illogical brain went to thoughts like, "I'm going to die here, alone, and no one is going to find me for days, and the dog is going to run out of food and he's going to have to eat me."  Ridiculous, I know.  But, it felt very real.  It's hard to explain a panic attack and how real everything feels in the midst of one, if you've never had one, count yourself lucky.  This carried on for about an hour and a half.  In my hysteria the dog cuddled up very close to me, which he doesn't always do, and that actually seemed to help calm me down.  It was awful.  Being alone, feeling that out of control, it was a breakdown of spectacular magnitude.  (My parents asked me the next morning why I didn't call them or come over to their house.  I'm not sure why I didn't.)

I finally fell back asleep.  I woke up for the morning and it seemed really bright in my room.  Too bright for the 6:30am alarm I had set.  Hm. I looked at my phone and realized I had turned off my alarm in my sleep and it was 9:30.  Fail.  That meant I wasn't going to make the ride, that started at 8:30.  Shit.  I called my mom, and was crying, she had me come over.  She and I talked and got coffee and breakfast and I finally told her the truth, that I had been medication free for months and the anxiety is what made me decide to go back on it.  She was understanding and listened as I cried some more.  She said I should probably tell my coach, since it would explain a lot of what's been going on with me.  I disagreed.  And, then realized she was right.  So I told my secret.

I spent a lot of Sunday morning crying and worrying.  I'm worried that I'm falling behind in the training and that I won't be able to catch back up (I know I'll be okay, I just need to put in the work).  I was crying because I hate that this is happening again.  I am a little embarrassed, mostly because all of this is my own fault, and I know better.  I knew the risk when I stopped the medication.  I just thought I was stronger than this illness.  I am stronger than it, but not by myself, I need help to live with it.

And, training for an ironman is stressful, too much stress for my brain to deal with alone.  I need the help.  I need the medication.  So, now I'm back on all three medications and hoping I have put the anxiety monster away for a while.  The way I have been feeling over the past couple of weeks, and the memory of Saturday's panic attack, coupled with the training and the fact that I know better, will keep me on my medication.  

I'm not going to say that I'll never go off of it again.  Because that's not really realistic.  I will say that I was on it much longer this time before I went off, and I went back on faster than I have in the past.  Maybe I am learning.  I just know that at some point I'm going to be tempted to go off it again.  I just need to try to remember this moment, what this felt like. (That's part of why I'm sharing this here, so I can remember if the day comes that I want to go off it again.)

I had another restless night's sleep last night.  Awake again at 3:30am.  Not filled with anxiety this time, but awake, my brain racing.  I know that this is what starts to happen, its the edge of mania, beyond hypomania. I am grateful I've started the medication again, and will take something to sleep through the night tonight, and stave off the mania.  It's a delicate balancing act and I'm ready for it again.  Even if it does make training for an ironman more complicated.

I will ask you not to judge me for this.  It's not easy to live with mental health issues.  It's not easy to take all this medication that can, at time, wreak havoc on your body while helping your brain.  It's not easy.  None of it is.  There's nothing I can do to change this part of me.  Please know that going off my medication is never an easy decision.  I know the consequences.  I know I've done this to myself.  But, I know that sometimes I need to know if maybe my brain is better.

For now, I am back on my all three medications, and being honest about everything.  Hiding it and lying about it only makes things worse.  I am writing this to tell the truth and hold myself accountable.  Now, its time to get back to life, anxiety free, living in honesty and truth, accepting my issues, taking my medication, ready to tackle the world.

Inside My Closet

Makes Me Happy

I had taken a different picture yesterday for this post.  But, after last night, I changed to the dog.  I had a massive panic attack in the middle of the night - it was bad, worse than anything I've experienced in years, I was hysterical.  And, Rocky snuggled up as close to me as possible.  His love helped me eventually relax and fall back asleep.  And, this morning, when it would have been easier to ignore the world, he got up wiggled his little tail at me, started playing with a sock (his favorite toys) and made me giggle.  This was a day where it would be much easier not to smile, but this little one made me happy today.  So, he gets this post.  Thank you Rocky for being my little ray of sunshine on a dark day.

Self Portrait

Just me. On my run today. (I forgot to take this one yesterday.)

Friday thoughts

My head is filled random thoughts today.  I don't have much to say about training this week as it has been sort of meh.  I figured last night's swim would be the same.  

So anyway, I forced myself to go to swim.  And, I'm really glad that I did.  It sort of pulled me out of the weird funk of a week I've been in, workout wise.  Some tips from Erin and a good hard swim and I felt so much better.  I thought, when I got in the pool and looked at the set, that I would be miserable the whole time.  The set was a warm up followed by sprinting for 50 and then recovering while swimming longer yards.  Each got progressively longer (then we ended with swimming in crowded lanes, then a cool down).  The thing that seemed impossible was the sprint 50 swim 1000.  Seriously?  

But, I did it, and I felt strong the whole time.  I even had a couple of moments where I swallowed a little water or coughed, but I didn't stop, and I got a bad cramp in my foot toward the end, but I kept going, cause I know that come race day I won't be able to just stop if I get a cramp, gotta swim through it.  So, that's what I did.  And you know what?  At the end, I felt awesome.  Seriously that swim felt good.  It was hard, but in the best possible way.  I just sort of felt like everything clicked for me.  It's funny, during the swim I didn't think about anything but the 50 meters I was swimming in that moment.  I kept my mind focused and didn't drift off, like I usually do, thinking about other plans.  Maybe that was the trick, focus.  Starting to feel like me again.  Sometimes a good workout is just what I need, and I needed that one.

Nine mile run tomorrow, I'm excited about that.  I'm not excited that the team run is in Torrance.  So far away...  Although it is way further for some teammates, so I guess I should stop complaining.  I do enjoy running, so I'm going to just look forward to it.  I thought about skipping the team run and doing it on my own, but I'm thinking it might be nice to go run somewhere new for a change.  Hm.  Sunday is our long bike ride.  50 miles.  I'm trying my best not to dwell on it.  If I do I'll get nervous.

So, to distract myself from thoughts of Sunday I'm going to leave you with five random tidbits for Friday, about me.  Some you might know already, some you might not.  Some might surprise you.  If you want to know more about any of them, just ask, I'll tell you.

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is my favorite movie.  Seriously.  I know most, if not all the lines.  "The question isn't 'what are we going to do?' the question is 'what aren't we going to do?'"  I think I'll have to watch that this weekend to distract myself from thoughts of the bike.

Growing up, my mom was kind of famous here in L.A.  People would stop her all the time, occasionally they still do.  Its kind of odd but kind of cool too.

I've never dated someone for longer than 6 months.  And, I don't think its weird, why keep dating someone you know isn't right for you? (I promise in 6 months I have a pretty good idea of this.)  I'd rather be single than with someone I know isn't right for me.

I've had plastic surgery and I know its one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Oh, and I was 17 when I had it, and still I have no regrets about it.

In my opinion, compassion and loyalty are the two most important qualities in a friend.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

Front door

The front door, on the way out for a walk with the dog and on the way back in.  He doesn't like my paparazzi style pictures of him all the time.  Too bad, I'm gonna keep it up.

Sun

Every afternoon this is what the sun looks like from my desk, for like a half hour to 45 minutes.  It practically blinds me and I have to either sit to the side of my desk or squint (lets be real, I'm not gonna squint, I don't want wrinkles).  Its annoying.  The problem was temporarily fixed with some makeshift blinds, but now the sun is setting in a slightly different location and I'm being blinded again.

Button

This is a button that can cause me lots of trouble... if I let it.  It can also make me happy for 10 more blissful minutes...

Griffith Park Grand Prix

...Also known as the tire playing dirty tricks, just when the bike and I were starting to become friends.

Last Saturday our practice was titled "Griffith Park Grand Prix."  We had received an email saying bike/run/?, and told to be prepared to change flat tires.  I am not great at this, so while I knew it would be annoying I also knew it was necessary.  On Friday night I spent some quality one on one time with the bike.  We've had a rough go of it so far.  It's a love/hate relationship.  I'm trying really hard to love the bike, but it seems to hate me and keeps making me fall.  So, I thought we should have a conversation.  Yes, I talked to the bike.  I also cleaned it, ridding it of bad spirits via Simple Green.  I let it know that I just want to stay upright and learn to love being on it.  We came to an understanding.  I would stop being so scared and it would stop trying to kill me.

Its time for us to be friends.

Saturday morning I got to practice and was still a little nervous, but not too much.  We practiced mount and dismount areas and set up transition.  Then we were off.  A six mile loop (just under actually) followed by a ten minute run, repeat two more times.  Triple brick.  So, off I went.  There's kind of a big hill in the middle of the loop and I was nervous going up - not too nervous about the up part, I was feeling pretty strong, but knowing the downhill was coming had me a little nervous.  I got to the top, stopped for a moment and gave myself a pep talk.  Off I went down the hill - sloooowly - seriously I'm not making up any time on the downhill, this is gonna have to change at some point.  

Then there was a part of the road that was kind of shady and kind of sunny, and I was having trouble scanning the road, so I slowed down, afraid I'd hit a pothole or something.  Also, around corners I go pretty slow too, always afraid I'll crash.  I got back in just about thirty minutes (slow) and Coach Erin promptly let the air out of my back tire.  So, I changed it.  I actually did okay getting the tire changed.  I struggled a bit getting it back on the bike, but with the help of a coach I was set.  Off for a ten minute run.

I kept the run slow and easy, not wanting the groin muscle to give me any trouble.  Since I knew I had to repeat this two more times I figured better safe than sorry.  I got back on my bike again and off I went.  I got to the top of the hill, actually feeling a little stronger the second time through than the first, and paused again for a moment.  I needed to give myself another pep talk.  (When I say I felt stronger going up the hill the second time, I was still ridiculously slow - seriously I feel like I could probably have run up it faster - carrying the bike.)

I started down and then less than a minute in, like 20 seconds maybe, I heard a pop and hiss of air.  I knew I had a flat. Crap.  Stopping while going downhill and not falling seemed like it would be next to impossible, but I did it.  I sat on a little stone wall, pulled out my flat tire stuff and got to changing it.  I was feeling a little frustrated and it took me a while to get it changed.  Most of my teammates who rode by asked if I was okay or needed anything (even a number of strangers not on the team asked if I was okay or needed anything), I told them I was fine.  (A couple teammates just completely ignored me - people who I know, which felt a little weird.  I know you're trying to finish as quick as possible, but ignoring people on the side of the road is just plain rude, in my opinion, I wasn't going to ask you to stop, but acknowledgement would be nice.)

Finally, like 15 minutes later the tire was changed and I got going again (I did this all by myself, for the first time with no help at all).  And, no more than about a minute later another pop and hiss of air.  Seriously?!?  This time I had to sit on the dirt on the side of the road.  I was starting to get irritated.  I meticulously checked the inside of the tire and the rim and found nothing (just as I had the previous change).  A bunch more people passed and asked if I was okay - including strangers riding their bikes and runners.  I assured everyone I was good.  This time the tire change did not take 15 minutes, maybe closer to 10.  I am getting better at changing that rear tire.

I rode back even slower this time, cause now I was hearing an odd noise, like a click sound.  And, I had no more tubes on me.  I didn't want to have to call for help.  I finally made it back - moving time was approximately 30 minutes - total time closer to an hour.  So frustrating.  I told the coaches that the bike and I were having a rough go of it.  I told them about the tire situation and after looking at it, said I was done for the day.  Apparently the tire had split, meaning I needed to get a new one. Grr.

So, it wasn't the bike's fault this time!  Evil tire decided to get in on the "lets make Elisabeth nervous" action. Not cool tire.  Not cool at all. (I'm a bad blogger and forgot to take a picture of the offending tire while it was still on the bike - but here it is getting ready for its new home, the garbage.)

Since I couldn't ride the final loop I did a twenty minute run.  The leg was feeling okay at the end, and I did the stretches the physical therapist gave me to make sure I would be okay for the next day's run.  Still feeling good mid-week.

I took the bike to the bike shop on Sunday and got a new tire.  This time I'm blaming the tire 100% and believing the bike did not set out on Saturday to make an attempt on my life - which has happened before (once was a group effort, pothole+bike=concussion).  We will be riding again this week.  And, I am expecting the bike and I to get along.  No more hating me.  We are becoming friends and will stay that way. I have gotten it a new tire and am contemplating a name.  I don't usually name things like bikes, or cars, but I think I need to come up with a good name for it.

taking care of my new friend and getting a new tire.

new tire that will not try to hurt me.  and, the bike is all dirty again.

Total mileage - bike ~12 miles in ~1 hour; run ~2.5 miles in ~30 mins (slow, but not painful, so all in all good for running)

Dinner

The best part of dinner tonight.

First Recovery Week

Last week was our first recovery week.  It worked out well for me, with the pulled groin muscle and all.  I still trained, but less and did no running during the week.  I was trying to listen to the physical therapist so I would be good for the weekend workouts.  And, work was a little bananas at the beginning of the week.  I had some long days, and Tuesday I wound up eating all three meals at work, it was all ordered in because of all day meetings - including bagels and cream cheese (yum, but not really nutritious), Chick Fil A (also yum, but really NOT nutritious, although I did eat a giant serving of cut up fruit to try to counter-balance the fried deliciousness, not sure that's how it works, but I tried) and Chipotle for dinner (could be the healthiest of choices, except it was filled with sour cream and cheese and was enormous - no I didn't eat the whole thing, or anywhere near it).  All of these meals were eaten at my desk.  I got to work at about 6:30 am, so no run before work and didn't get home until almost 9 pm, so no run after work - probably for the best, let the groin muscle heal.  The only thing I really got right on Monday and Tuesday was my water intake.  Yay water!

Wednesday I had physical therapy in the morning and the therapist told me I slouch too much and my core isn't strong enough, and that's why the groin muscle still hurts (I'm not really sure how that works, but, okay).  While I didn't want to hear it, it does make me think about my posture more and be more vigilant about my core and strength workouts.  He also told me that if I did everything he said and was still improving that on Friday he would potentially clear me to return to normal activity (and he knows I'm training for an ironman, so normal activity is a lot).  Sweet!  I did every single thing he said.  Wednesday night was a trainer ride - my average speed?  30 mph.  What?!  That can't be right.  I did have the resistance very low to try to preserve the groin as much as possible.  But still, I feel like my Garmin can't be trusted indoors.  We'll see what it says this week (I have physical therapy in the morning and will not be able to ride outdoors).

Thursday was a team swim.  We get the whole pool to ourselves now for an hour after it closes, so it wasn't as crowded.  And, now the tri team is at the pool at the same time as the Ironteam.  But, even with the added people it worked out to be only about 2 people per lane.  Win.  I was not a big fan of starting at 8:30pm, I was sleepy - but I guess I'll get used to it.  We started doing interval swimming.  While it was tough, it felt like a good workout.  And, one of the tri coaches, Quinton, was coaching my lane, and gave me some more tips to improve my swim.  Thank you!

Friday, mid-day, I went back to the physical therapist hoping to get cleared.  He checked me out and after a quick visit - doing nothing to irritate the muscle, he cleared me to return to bike and run! Yay!  Friday night we had a swim on the schedule, which I wound up not doing.  I was at work until 6:30, and by the time I got home and let the dog out, I would've gotten to the pool about 20 minutes before it closed.  And, I figured better to let the leg rest before the next morning's ride.  So, I was all ready for the weekend's workouts.  Friday night I spent some quality one on one time with the bike.  I cleaned it and had a discussion with it.  We need to be friends, so I made sure it knew that I would be good to it and wanted to be its friend.  I was hoping this would help the next day's ride.

Saturday's team ride will get its own post, tomorrow.  Stay tuned for more adventures of me and my bike.  After practice I headed out to east Pasadena to see my psychiatrist, yes I have a psychiatrist, I've seen him for years, want to know more about why?  Read this post I wrote a little more than a year ago, for the most part it still holds true and explains a lot.  I've been feeling really anxious recently, especially when I have to ride.  And, its not just a normal amount of nerves.  It would be totally normal to be nervous, I've fallen a bunch, got a concussion, pulled a muscle.  The bike and I have had a rough go of it so far.  But, the anxiety I've been feeling is more than nerves, and I know that.  I know the difference.  Nerves I can deal with, the anxiety on the other hand, that takes my brain to dark scary places.  Places I've been before and don't want to go back to.  I've been anxious and jittery and its making me more nervous than I should be.

So, the doctor and I talked about what I can do, and we are adjusting my medication.  Hopefully this will help quell the anxiety monster and stop it from rearing its ugly, dark head.  I have to keep in fairly close contact with the doctor because the medications I take can affect my physical health when training.  One particularly - so we are adjusting that one too.  As the training days get longer and hotter we will probably have to adjust again.  But, thankfully I have a great doctor who can work with me on all of this stuff.  I know I will start to feel better soon and maybe, just maybe, I can gain some confidence on the bike.

Sunday was the last day of the recovery week and there was a 7 mile run, with hill repeats on the schedule.  I was a little nervous about how the pulled groin muscle would feel.  But, I took the whole run slow - slower than normal - by about a minute per mile.  Better safe than sorry.  I had a couple of moments of soreness, but all in all, I felt good during and after the run.  And, I'm not sore at all today.  After the run I had to stop by the bike shop to get a couple things and a running store where I picked up some new running shoes - exact same ones I've been wearing, even the same color, cause I'm a creature of habit and I love them - Saucony Kinvara.

Sunday early afternoon had a swim in store for me.  2700 yards.  Oi.  It went pretty well.  Except for the crazy man who wound up splitting the lane with me.  I was toward the slower end of the pool and splitting the lane with a woman who was done about 15 minutes after I started.  I had the lane to myself for about 15 minutes and then this man came up and asked to split with me.  Of course I said fine.  Mistake.  First, he was really fast and second, he was a total lane hog.  He seriously took up like 75% of the lane most of the time.  And, after about 15 minutes he was taking up so much of the lane that I wound up getting hit in the arm, leg and head no fewer than 10 times.  And, hard too.  I know that this will happen in races, I've heard stories, but really, in a pool where we are splitting a lane?  It was just rude.  I was practically on top of the lane line the whole time.  Finally one of the girls in the lane next to me got out and the other girl suggested we split that lane, as I obviously couldn't keep sharing with that guy.  Before I had even moved the ass had started taking up the whole lane.  Rude.  Anyway, I finished out the swim and felt good and had no pain in the leg.  Win!

So, that was the recovery week minus Saturday.  Saturday in review tomorrow.

10 AM

In the midst of a 7 mile morning run...

Stranger

Busy guarding the baked goods at the grocery store on a Saturday night.

Hands

Words.

Your view today.

Today the best view I had was this one.  Using his new toy as a pillow.  Love.

Exploring February

So, I was reading Danielle's blog and I saw this and thought it would be an interesting way to explore February.  I took my first picture yesterday and will post it right after this one.  But, here's the idea, take a photo everyday based on these suggestions.  Maybe it'll make me a better blogger, maybe not.  But, it should be interesting.  So, let's go.