This Girl and That Girl

Tomorrow marks my five year anniversary of sobriety.  Five years.  A lot can change in five years.  In many I was a very different girl five years ago.  I don't think that girl would recognize this girl, the girl (woman) I have become.

Five years ago I was very wrapped up in myself and my own things.  Understandable for many reasons.  I was a wreck, emotionally and physically.  I was killing myself slowly and didn't want to see it.  I was not an every day drinker.  But, I did drink too much.  One of the last times I drank I blacked out.  That scared the hell out of me.  But, still I didn't completely quit.  I drank one more time after that.  I figured I could have one or two drinks, no big deal.  One or two turned in to 7 or 8, quickly.  I drove home that night.  Yes, I drove home, with two other people in my car.  I thought I was okay.  I got lucky.  I made it home safely.  I woke up the next morning and knew I had gotten incredibly lucky.  By the grace of God I did not get in an accident and hurt myself, my passengers or anyone else.  I always thought I was smarter than to drive drunk.  I obviously wasn't.  I just thought I was okay.  I knew that morning I had a problem and that something had to change.

I have been sober since that day.  December 17, 2006.  I don't know why that incident pushed me in to sobriety, maybe for me that was my rock bottom.  I thought I had seen the bottom several weeks earlier when I blacked out, but obviously not.  At the time I was in weekly therapy, I had been suffering from some severe depression, and had started taking anti-depressants.  I talked a lot to my therapist about my decision to quit drinking.  I talked to him a lot.  I talked to him about my depression, my sobriety, why I drank in the first place.  I talked to him about whether or not he thought I would be able to drink again (short answer - no).  I talked to him about my life choices and the things I had done.  We talked a lot. Without him, I think my sobriety would have been much more difficult to maintain.  (A couple of months later, after more therapy, I got an updated diagnosis, Bipolar II.  The doctor had suspected for some time, but wanted to wait until I had been sober for a bit to confirm.)

I have never been to an AA meeting.  I don't have a good reason for never going to one.  I know AA is an amazing group and does work wonders for so many people.  For me, I just never thought I needed it.  (Although, looking back I realize there are many times in the previous five years where it would have been helpful.)

Back to that girl - the pre-sober me.  That girl would not believe you if you told her one day she would not only run a marathon, but fundraise for a cause while doing so.  That girl would not believe you if you told her that she didn't stop at one marathon, but by age 32 had run 3 full marathons and 13 half marathons.  That girl would not believe that this girl had completed a mud run and a 200 mile overnight relay - with strangers.  That girl would not believe that this girl had gone bungee jumping and faced down her fears.  That girl would not believe that this girl loves being active and getting sweaty.  That girl would not believe how much her life would change and how happy she could truly be.  That girl would not believe the things that this girl is capable of.  Because that girl, that lost girl, drinking to hide her feelings, her topsy turvy thoughts, her anxiety, her discomfort within her own skin, her fears, would never have thought she would have the courage to do any of those things.  That girl was scared of life and hiding behind a bottle.  That girl looked like she was having a great time and enjoying life, but in reality, she was lost, lonely, sad and confused.

Then, I would not believe what I have
accomplished now.

It might have appeared that I was having fun, but really I
was hiding from reality.

This girl that I have become, she is strong, brave, confident and follows her dreams.  This girl is happy.  This girl has big goals and big dreams, goals and dreams that I can and will achieve.  This girl knows that life is short and precious and fragile, and you need to embrace it.  This girl lives her life and enjoys it.

There are many thing about me that are the same now as they were before I was sober.  I was and still am a fiercely loyal friend.  I am still crazy independent.  I am a bit of a homebody.  I am still one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet.  I still love my family and friends and would do anything for any of them.  I still work hard for what I want.  I still have a stack of books on my bedside table and love taking pictures of the world around me (and still don't love having my own picture taken).  I still have the same attitude and spark.  I am still the same person, just changed for the better.

And this girl, me, today, is embarking on the craziest adventure yet.  That girl I was before would certainly NEVER believe in a million years that I would sign up for and train for an Ironman.  Seriously.  That girl probably only had a vague idea of what an Ironman is.  That girl definitely thought people who run marathons were bonkers, let alone training for something of the magnitude of an Ironman.  Marathons alone were such an abstract thought.  And now, here I am, preparing to run a marathon, after first swimming 2.4 miles and then biking 112 miles, all in one day.

Holy shit.  I'm gonna do it.  I'm training for Vineman, July 28, 2012.  That girl wouldn't even know how to comprehend the idea of even considering training for such an event, and here I am, busy training for it.

I am incredibly thankful for my past and present.  Yes, even the crazy drinking days.  Without those days and those experiences I would not be the person I am today.  I know that all of those things are what got me to where I am today.  Some experiences are blessings in disguise, some are straight up blessings.  My days of drinking were in many ways blessings in disguise, because it makes me so thankful today for where I am today and what I know I am capable of doing.

Tomorrow I will celebrate 5 years of sobriety by getting up in the morning and going to run with the IronTeam and then I will meet up with some girlfriends from high school.  It will be a perfect way to honor this day and enter my next year of sobriety.

If you would like to wish me congratulations on 5 years of sobriety, you can do so by supporting me in my efforts to train for Vineman.  I am fundraising, once again, with Team in Training.  And, I need the support of my friends, family, loved ones, and even strangers to help me get there.  Consider not buying a cup of coffee at Starbucks just one day, or giving up just one drink at happy hour.  Every dollar donated will help this girl achieve her goal.  I appreciate every donation, whether its $5, $5000 or somewhere in between.  To everyone who has supported me through my journey (of sobriety and beyond), thank you.  Every time I think about skipping a work out, I know that is what the girl I was before would do, not this girl I am now.  This girl will work hard and show the world that she is capable of anything.

I hope each of you is out there embracing your life and living it to the fullest.  I said it before, and I'll say it again.  Life is short, precious and fragile - embrace it!

If you would like to donate please click this link and hit "DONATE NOW."

http://pages.teamintraining.org/los/vinefirn13/ewallersco

Thank you!